Being Arizona
by Notinmyhead
Summary: Following Arizona from before she moved to Seattle, meeting Callie, all the way up until recently (season 11). Season 12 will be included when it airs in the UK. Update: Discontinued. Sorry!
1. Chapter 1

I groaned and rolled over in my bed as the sharp beeping noise of my pager rang through the room, indicating that I was needed in the hospital, at 2am, for some reason. I buried my head in the pillow and furrowed my brow as though I had any chance in hell that it might stop, but no. The high pitched beeping persisted, and I took a moment before sighing in defeat and rolling out of bed, making no attempts to make it after me.

I flinched at the light which ever so nicely burned my eyes as I entered the bathroom. I took the hairbrush and ran it once through my blonde curls before pulling it back into a hair tie. I then proceeded to pull on the nearest clothes that I could find, grabbed my phone, bag and a granola bar heading out.

"You got paged too?" One of my fellow residents, Emma asked me as I marched into the resident's lounge, grabbing my scrubs and beginning to pull the top over my shirt.

"Nope, I'm here at 2am, when I could be sleeping, because I want to." I replied sarcastically, finishing with my scrubs and moving on to my lab coat. Normally, I loved my job and showed up an hour before I needed to be anywhere, but it was 2am and I'd only just left the hospital three hours ago.

"Jeez, Robbins..." She murmured under her breath, and I resisted the temptation to say something else to her. I instead continued to fold up my clothes and put them in my cubby before our fellow, Dr Evans came into the room and I turned my attention to him instead. Dr Evans was the normal topic of conversation in the lounge these days- mostly by the women. I mean, I was gay, but I could appreciate a decent looking human being if I saw one, and he was definitely one of them.

"Okay, guys. There's an incoming trauma about ten minutes out. Three car pileup, caused by a group of drunk drivers. When you get there, treat each patient as quickly as you can." He announced.

"Dr Morris, I'm on your service today." I said as I approached the General attending a few hours later. Not many of the patients from the trauma had been too serious or surgical, apart from a guy who had a lot of internal bleeding and I'd scrubbed in on, and was in recovery right now. Dr Morris and I got on relatively well.

"Patient in room 102 has indigestion, abdominal pain and a high temperature two days post-op from a cholecystectomy ."

"PCS."

"Exactly. What are you gonna do about it?"

"Do a workup, and if necessary prescribe Loperamide. No reason why he shouldn't be discharged on time."

"Very good. This place is running pretty low today, so round on patients, you know what to do. Anything surgical, page me." She instructed, handing me a stack of charts and walking off. I sat myself down on a chair at the nurse's station, reading through each chart and noting to myself what had to be done. Just as I was finishing the last one, Sarah Wilkins, my intern today apparently, approached me.

"Dr Morris had me run labs on Mr Davies, and he looks all clear for discharge." She reported, handing me the lab work. I read them over and confirmed that he was all clear.

"Tell Morris, then go to the E.R until someone pages you." I instructed. I could see her trying to hide her disappointment at having being sent to the E.R, but there was no use for her up here. At least she could do sutures or something else to keep her busy.

The first half of my day dragged by pretty slowly. I scrubbed in on a coli, but apart from that I spent a few hours in an on call room trying to catch from sleep, which I had gotten precious little of for over 24 hours. I wasn't complaining though- I was working, watching surgeries, seeing patients, well on my way to what I'd been working towards for nearly six years- being a fully qualified paediatric surgeon. I was just over halfway through my fifth year of residency and boards were coming up soon. I'd received offers from quite a few different places, and currently it stood between here, Johns Hopkins, or Seattle Grace.

My parents, of course, had some reservations about me moving across the country so were rooting for me to stay here. I could see where they were coming from- with my brother, Timothy, being all the way in Iraq with the Marines they were obviously hesitant to let another child go. To be honest with myself, I was leaning towards staying here. They had an excellent paediatrics programme and everything I knew was here- my family, my girlfriend Emily, my friends.

On the other hand, Seattle Grace could bring me a fresh start, which might just be the thing I was looking for. I liked my life here, but the idea of a new, reputation and history free life in Seattle was inviting. Seattle Grace did have a great teaching programme, and I'd never spoken to someone who had worked there and had a bad thing to say about it.

"Hey, hun." A familiar voice said from behind me, and I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind. I didn't need to wonder who it was.

"Hey Em." I greeted back, letting myself be momentarily distracted from the paperwork I was doing to give her a quick kiss. "When do you get off?"

She looked at the clock that was on the wall opposite. "A few hours still. I have a valve replacement later on."

Emily was halfway through her Cardio fellowship and loving every minute of it. There was seldom a day when she didn't come home reciting all of the new things she learned. I wasn't really big on Cardio, but I listened intently because I never knew what I would end up facing.

She was great, Emily. She really was. Clingy, and short tempered, which had caused a few bruises that makeup could cover easily, and kinda patronising, but great. But between me, and, well, me, she wasn't 'the one', but I wasn't about to tell _her_ that. What was I supposed to say to her? 'Sorry, but you're no right'? No freaking way.

"I got here at 2am this morning. I got home at 11. I wanna go home." I pouted and she laughed, kissing the top of my head.

"When you get home I'll be there, with dinner." She promised. Last week I'd given her access to the spare key for my apartment, and she didn't hold back in using it.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

After the second trauma of the day, a few patients in the E.R and clinic and a maybe-surgery which turned into a no-surgery, my day was nearly over, and all I had to do was fill in paperwork and I could be on my way. That was, if the luck I'd had so far today didn't continue.

But, of course, it did.

I'd asked one of the nurses, Rose, if Emily had gone home yet. She gave me a smile before checking on the computer, telling me that she had just finished up surgery and was most likely about to leave.

About to leave, my ass! I walked through the halls of her department, looking in every patient room to see if I could see her so that maybe we could head home together. Once I accepted that she wasn't seeing a patient I checked the conference rooms and what I was met with was _not_ what I needed today, or any other day.

My ever so lovely 'girlfriend' was currently sucking the face of some nurse that I didn't recognise, and her hands were roaming too low to be safe. Both of them seemed oblivious to me entrance, let alone my presence, so I took my chance and left before I had to talk to either of them.

Well, at least this way I wouldn't have to appear as a cold, heartless bitch. I headed back to the resident's lounge slowly, reciting the events of the last few minutes over and over again. I was hurt. I knew, as I said, that she wasn't _the one_ , but I still loved her and it hurt. I frowned and pulled out my phone from my pocket, scoffing as I saw the text message I'd just received.

 _Hey pretty lady, you home yet? I'm still at the hospital, we could head home together? - E x_

I considered for a minute going back and facing her, but I decided against it because I'd been up since 2am and I was fried. Instead I started typing.

 _Will that nurse be accompanying us?_

 _Let me explain. – E x_

 _Don't bother, Emily. It's fine. Just leave me alone._

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Over the next few weeks, it seemed that Emily got the message because I didn't hear from her. I saw her a few times at the hospital but I didn't bother acknowledging her, and after a few days I found myself avoiding her. Not like running away every time I saw her, but swapping services with someone so as to avoid Cardio, or taking the stairs so that I could make sure I didn't end up alone with her.

"She was asking about you, you know." My friend Laura told me over lunch one afternoon.

"Good for her."

She rolled her eyes and took a bite from her sandwich. "You should talk to her."

I finished the last of the horrible and very leafy salad I was eating, standing up and facing forward determinedly. "No, I shouldn't. I have no reason to." And with that I stalked out of the place, throwing my trash into the bin on my way.

For the rest of the day I threw myself into revision notes when I wasn't in the OR. Boards were three months away and there was no time for slacking. I, along with all of my fellow residents, found myself staying overnight at the hospital very often to use the library or just to discuss things with others, and there was rarely a night that I spent at my apartment these days.

I knew people were staring at me now. Emily was a well-known doctor in this hospital and there wasn't anyone who wasn't friends with her. Rumours spread like the plague- _I_ had cheated on _her_ , I had slept with a man and gotten pregnant, and, the one that made me laugh the most, which was that I had broken it off and was joining the Marines.

Although I laughed, in the weeks that followed I got so close to actually joining that it was ironic now.

On one of those rare nights were I allowed myself to relax, go to the bar and have a drink, everything came crashing down, and the crush injuries I received nearly killed me.

I had just ended a conversation with an intern who was on a night shift, telling her what to do and to avoid paging me at all costs, when I saw them over her shoulder. Two men dressed in Marine uniform and another one wearing a morbid back suit, all of them wearing grim expressions. This couldn't be good.

I didn't bother excusing myself from the conversation as I walked towards them all, the feeling of dread coursing through my body making my head spin.

"You're Dr Arizona Robbins?" The guy in the suit asked, placing a sympathetic hand on my shoulder which I shook immediately, staring the Marines straight in the eyes. I knew why they were here.

"Tell me."

And at the precise moment that the words 'I'm sorry' fell from the Marine's lips, my whole world came crashing down. It felt like my heart and stomach had switched places, blood pounded in my ears so that everything else that was said was blocked out.

" _Aw, diddum, don't cry." Timothy mocked me as we stood in the middle of the airport, right next to the departure gates. I half smiled at his feeble attempt to cheer me up, but nothing could take my mind from it- he was going back, and I may never see him again. "I'll be back before you know it."_

 _I looked up at him from where I was clinging onto him for dear life. I took in his appearance- his hair the exact same shade as mine, his eyes the same blue. His untidy curls and his sticky out ears. His single dimple that showed even when he wasn't smiling. "You don't know that." I murmured._

" _I don't." He admitted, tightening his hold on me. "But I'm promising you anyway."_

 _After that was what seemed like the hardest thing I'd ever had to do- I loosened my grip and let him go. I could see him struggling not to look back and when he did he smiled at me. A bug, goofy grin that had never changed ever since we were kids._

 _And that was the last time I saw my brother._


	2. Chapter 2

New fic chapter two

 _Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it was  
Turn my grief to grace_

 _Nothing comes easily  
Where do I begin?  
Nothing can bring me peace  
I've lost everything _

_\- Kate Havnevik_

… _..._

I felt far away from everything else, like there was a one way glass wall that was keeping me from seeing things, while everybody else stared at me. But there was no glass wall, nothing that I could break down and smash and get rid of- I was the glass wall, my body was. I was trapped inside my body, unable to move let alone _breathe._

I could've joined the Marines; gotten far, far away from this place and everything that had happened… Where no one knew who I was or what had happened, and wouldn't stare at me like I was about to break at any moment. I could've been a surgeon over there… And save people like Tim who died because there weren't enough freaking surgeons. Kind of ironic, don't you think? The guy with a surgeon for a sister died because there were no surgeons. But I couldn't think of that, I had to think of my parents. What would I joining do to them? What if I didn't come back? I couldn't do that. Not to anyone.

Work seemed like the only thing I had right now. Everyone else around me thought I was going to break, or flee, or something, but I wasn't. . Work took my mind away, so that was me and the patient and none of the mess. After my very close considering of the Marines, I'd decided to take the fellowship at Seattle Grace. I loved it here, but it was all too much. I needed to get away, to a new place where I could breathe and build myself again without people hovering left right and centre.

I braced myself mentally for what my e-mail inbox might hold as I unlocked my phone. Boards were two weeks ago, and the pending results were the only things keeping me from dropping everything and ditching this place. I'd spent the last two days, ever since they were supposed to finish marking them, refreshing my phone over and over again, and even as I repeated the action again I didn't expect anything.

"Nothing yet?" Emma asked me as she entered the lounge, her own phone in her hand.

"No." That was all anybody got from me nowadays, but I was trying. Trying to smash the walls and get back to normality, to breathing, but glass isn't easy to smash when you don't have anything to smash it with.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asked, taking a seat on the bench beside me. I know she didn't expect a reply, because she asked this question every day on the odd chance that I _did_ want to, but so far I hadn't been able to bring myself to it. If I talked about it, and not just to myself, then it made it real. _Too_ real.

"It was a roadside bomb." I started talking to my own surprise. "Everyone else survived..." I trailed off, not daring to say anything more. There, I talked about it. I never admitted that he's gone out loud, but that couldn't be bad, can it? At least I acknowledged what happened. I then dropped my head back down and continued refreshing my phone again; concentrating so hard on the little percentage sign that showed me it was loading.

She seemed to take the hint and left without another word and as soon as she was gone my shoulders slumped. I was just tired of doing this every day.

I forced myself to half smile as I answered the incoming phone call from the number I identified as my parent's one. I put on a cheery tone as I answered all of their questions enthusiastically. Tim wasn't mentioned at all so I was going to assume that my father was sitting in the background while my mother jabbered on. My mother normally talked about him when it was just us. Never of his death, but of old memories. It helped.

"Have you heard anything back from the board?" She asked. I wasn't actually sure who was more nervous about it- me or her.

"Nothing yet. Others have started to get their e-mails so I keep refreshing my phone like crazy." I laughed. I'd informed my parents of my decision to move to Seattle, and while they were a little dubious about it, they actually took it better than I thought they would.

"You better call the second you find out." She said sternly, and I could tell that even though she used a joking tone that she was deadly serious.

"Yes, mom." I agreed, sighing in relief when my pager went off. I loved my parents, but there was only so long that I could keep this act up for.

"Dr Robbins, it was nice working with you."

Today was the day. The day I got a new start in Seattle. I aced my boards and the minute I'd heard that I'd made all of the phone calls necessary, letting the chief of surgery there that I would start as soon as I could. I was dying to get out of this place- hence, I was talking to the chief at this hospital, telling him that I would be gone within the week.

"I enjoyed working here, sir, and it's a great programme, it's just…" I struggled for a way to put it.

"You need a fresh start." He answered for me, nodding understandingly. He was taking this whole thing well, which I was glad for. The last thing I needed right now was for him to put up a fight.

"Thanks, sir." I said before leaving, heading to the resident's lounge to clear out my cubby. My parents had been surprised at how quickly I was doing all of this, but I pointed out that there was no reason for me to stay here any longer when I could be on my way.

"You promise you'll call us every day, right?" My mom had made me promise as we talked about it over dinner one night. Although I had my own apartment and I was more than capable of cooking myself, ever since Tim my mom had been having me over nearly every day. Not that I could blame her- she had already lost one of her kids, and she was spending as much time with me as possible before I moved across the country.

"I promise, mom."

Clearing out my cubby hardly took me any time at all, because I generally kept everything in a bag in there. All I had to do was bin my scrubs and hand in my lab coat before I signed off some paper work and was free to leave. It was ridiculous, the amount of paperwork you had to fill in when you quit working at a hospital. Forms to officially quit, letters of resignation, forms to accept Seattle Grace's offer… Every type of form you could think of and more.

"You're definitely sure about this?" Megan asked me as I finished emptying my cubby. Megan was the closest thing to a friend I had at the hospital, which was saying something, because I hadn't made a lot of friends here. Sure I had friends outside of the hospital that cared, but to most people I appeared as a cold bitch, not that I cared. However, Megan hadn't gotten the hint and had become a friend anyway. She was staying here to continue working in Neuro.

"I'm sure." I said with a note of defiance, making it clear for the thousandth time that this was what I was set on and there was no changing my mind, which nobody seemed to understand.

My apartment was all packed up- wat was mine, anyway. My roommate, Beth, was an intern here, and had tried to convince me to stay so that she didn't have to find another roommate. We weren't really close, but we lived well together because we kept away from each other. My car was currently filled with all of the things I was taking with me (yes, I was driving- there was no way in hell I was taking a plane), and I planned to leave tomorrow morning.

And I did. After a quick round of goodbyes with my parents, which consisted of a lot of tears from my mom, also from my best friend Kirsty, I was in my car ready for the two day car journey. I didn't plan to stop and stay anywhere, but I promised my parents that if I got too tired then I'd pull into a motel. I knew there'd be plenty of service stops, but apart from that it was a straight drive.

So with that, I started my car and drove away without looking back.

 **Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 **Hello, people of earth! I hope you like this! I'm not too sure of the title, I was struggling for a name and it just came into my head… So, if you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them!**


	3. Chapter 3

Being Arizona

Hi guys! I'm not really too happy with this chapter, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!

Chapter three- General POV

First days weren't new to me. Days filled with new possibilities and new people had been a regular happening in my life- so why was I nervous now? After I'd moved states a few times and had several new schools, the nerves of a first day slowly vanished until I looked at them with excitement. So you could understand how frustrating it was that I was nervous. It was just a new job.

"Well that appears to be everything. Welcome to Seattle Grace." The chief of surgery, Richard Webber, welcomed me with a smile. I was currently sitting in his office listening to everything he had to say. What had shocked me was that when I'd gotten here he'd informed me that I could be promoted to department head, because the previous one had died. I mean, it wasn't good that he died, but I was in charge of a department. Cool, huh?

"Are you sure you want me as the head?" I asked yet again, hesitant of my ability to do it. Sure, I'd try, but I might completely fail and then everybody would blame him for hiring a fellow to do the job. I knew I'd done well- Never failed a single test in med school, had been top of my class, ruled residency like a boss and aced my boards. I knew I could do this, but that didn't stop me from doubting myself.

"I'm more than confident you can do it. I read your CV, and I think you're well capable."

"Okay, sir. Well, I'm gonna go…" I trailed off, unsure if he was going to say anything more. I was eager to get to work, to see patients and do surgery. As a resident we obviously got more responsibility than when we were interns, but the increase of responsibility from residency to fellowship was much greater and I couldn't wait to start. It was kinda scary, but it was also super exciting and cool.

"Of course, Dr Robbins. Have a nice day."

My first day was hectic, to say the least. All of these new patients also came with new worried parents, who had no idea who I was or where I came from, and for all they knew I could be clueless. More of my day was spent reassuring them than actually doing surgeries and treating patients. It was all part of the job though, and I had expected it, so I wasn't about to complain. The only parent that I met who trusted me right off was Melinda Prescott, but even then I ran into Miranda Bailey, who was just as worried as the rest of them.

Jackson Prescott, a ten year old Cirrhosis, and his mother Melinda were obviously very close to Dr Bailey, and that's why I agreed to try Dr Kenley's approach one last time. After all, I had no experience with this case or this family, so I was giving some leeway, but I could tell it wasn't going to work. He needed a transplant, it was his last option. I could tell Bailey was judging me- my name, my wheely sneaks, my approach… Everything. But I had grown up with people judging me so I easily shook it off and continued doing what I thought was best.

Apart from that, everyone else here seemed pretty nice. I had only been ere for hours but I could already tell that people here loved to gossip- some of the rumours I'd heard were just ridiculous. And more than once I'd heard nurses discussing their sex lives, which I'd asked them not to. At least not in the middle of the peds ward.

"Guess I'm eating lunch alone…" I said to myself as I exited the cafeteria with my lunch on a tray, heading to my office. I would be very surprised if I didn't end up with food poisoning at the end of this day because this stuff didn't even _look_ like food so much as dirt. Although it did look better than the stuff at Johns Hopkins which I had downright refused to eat. Ever.

Thankfully, I didn't have to think of an excuse not to eat it (because if I didn't eat something now then I didn't know when I'd get the chance) because my pager started going off, signalling that I was needed in room 306, the room which I believed to belong to 8 year old Darcy Newton. She had just been admitted today for a tumour in her stomach, and the page reminded me that she was heading to 0R 3 to have it removed.

The surgery only took about four hours, which for a tumour resection wasn't that long. She was being wheeled up to recovery right now, leaving me with some spare time on my hands to round on patients before I went in on Jackson Prescott. I wasn't at all confident that it would work but I was gonna try my damn hardest.

"You ready?" Bailey asked me as she approached me at the nurse's station. I nodded silently and followed her to Jackson's room.

As soon as I opened Jackson up I wasn't even surprised by what I met. The reason that I wanted to change treatment was exactly because of this- his bowels were dead, at least a good chunk of them, and there wouldn't be much left if I were to resect it. I knew Bailey was pissed at me for closing up without trying, but even she knew that there was nothing that a transplant was his only option. After finally snapping at her for judging me all day, I left her with the second opinion she wanted and told her to call UNOS. I was exhausted, absolutely wiped after today which seemed to have dragged on and all I wanted to do was sleep. I still had to phone my parents, which I knew would take a while, because my mom loved to talk and very often I found myself zoning out while she went on and on.

No such luck. It was 2am in the morning when I got paged into the hospital, and I came rushing in only to find that Bailey only wanted to chat. I get that she was worried, and extremely invested in this case, but there wasn't much we could do until UNOS called. She reminded me unnecessarily that he was running out of time- I knew that. I felt horrible. But with kids, they always were.

Instead of going back to my apartment I decided just to crash in an on call room. I successfully managed to get a good few hours before I was paged into Jackson's room yet again. Although this time it wasn't just an update, Things were deteriorating rapidly- his liver was failing and his ammonia levels were through the roof, despite the shunt that I'd placed. He needed a transplant, and he needed it yesterday. I couldn't help but get attached to this little guy, even though I'd tried not to. With kids, they don't always realise how sick they are, so they go on being cheery and talking about the future they might not have and it broke my heart.

"Rough day?" A nurse who I'd talked to a few times yesterday asked me as I signed charts and thought of every possible way to keep Jackson alive. 'Rough day' didn't even begin to describe it.

"And it's only 11:30." I sighed, glaring at the clock on the wall. I swear it was mocking me, ticking away deliberately slowly.

"There's this bar across the street, want to get drinks tonight?" She asked me, and I contemplated it for a moment before shaking my head. I was already fried and it wasn't even midday yet, and I had so much to do even when I got home.

"No thanks, I'm still in the weeds right now, but thanks for offering."

The rest of the day went the same way. Jackson declined further, more patients were admitted, paperwork kept piling up and I was ready to just drop. It was more than once that I found myself zoning out of paperwork and listening to gossip, which apparently spread as fast as the plague here, and most of it seemed to be about a person named Dr Torres, who I'd never seen around here.

"Hahn just left her, no warning whatsoever. She must be humiliated."

"Yeah, after O'Malley too…"

"I kind of feel bad for her, because she is really nice. I mean, from what I've gathered when talking to her."

That was the general gist of the conversation around here. I actually found myself feeling bad for this Dr Torres, whoever she was, and I didn't even know her. It was ages after that that I finally got to go home, and as soon as I did I dropped onto my bed without even bothering to change out of my clothes. My apartment was a complete mess- I hadn't even started unboxing anything except from what I'd used, and the dishes in the sink were building up gradually, same with the dust. I made a mental note as I slipped into a deep slumber to begin sorting that out.

The next day was the same as the others- wake up, force myself to get out of bed, go to work, treat patients, treat Jackson, pray for Jackson, go home, sleep and repeat. By the end of the next day Jackson had hours left in him, and all I could do was pray for a transplant.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Short, yes, and repetitive, I know. I'm sorry! I had a hard time writing this. You know when you're just typing, and the word count just stays the same and you find yourself writing the same thing over and over? Yeah, I had that.

But I promise the next chapters are better, and a lot happens in the next one. I hope you're still enjoying this!


	4. Chapter 4

Being Arizona

Chapter four

Did someone say that Jackson got a transplant and is now recovering well? Oh wait, I did! I was so happy- I honestly thought, for a few hours that it was a lost cause. We'd had to tell Melinda that there was little to no chance- and then the chief waltzed in with new bowels. Well, news about new bowels. He didn't actually have the… Never mind. Jackson got the transplant!

Bailey had finally lifted all judgement on me and had apologised for ever having it in the first time. I forgave her easily, because I knew what it was like to get so invested in cases like this, and I couldn't blame her for wanting to do what she believed was right. I reckon she'd be good in peds.

However, the hard cases kept coming. They always did in peds. Stacy Pollock had many different heart defects and had had so many surgeries that it was nearly too much on her body. It was heart-breaking to have to tell her and her parents that she'd probably never leave the hospital bed- what kind of life was that for a nine year old? But then Bailey had come in with the genius idea- a backpack! Genius, right? Stacy could actually leave the hospital. I still don't know why Bailey denied that she was good in peds- even Dixon agreed that she wasn't a general surgeon. But I couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to. But I could make her consider.

Anyway, to celebrate Stacy's, and Jackson's success, I decided to go to the bar that that nurse had told me about. A lot of people who worked at the hospital went there, so I arranged with a few new friends to meet up there for some drinks. Of course the first questions my mom had asked on the phone everyday were about the people, so I decided to make a few friends. So here I was, in a bar with a bunch of people I hardly knew who talked about things I didn't know about. It wasn't that great. However I put a smile on my face, like I had been doing for weeks now, and played along.

After a while though, it just became boring. I was bored. Ugh. I hated being bored because it gave me time to think and thinking was the thing that I was avoiding. I noticed someone walk past me, and I identified that someone to be Callie Torres. I could tell she was upset and I swore I saw tears. I acted like I hadn't noticed her for a few minutes before giving up and deciding to see what was wrong with her. From what I heard, she could use a friend. I mean, she had friends, but one more couldn't hurt, right?

"Hey." I said casually as I walked into the bathroom where she'd escaped to. It was dingy and smelled faintly of pee, but that wasn't what I was going to concentrate on right now. Callie hadn't gone to the bathroom0 she was fixing her makeup and had obviously been crying.

"Hey." She replied back, and I could tell that she was forcing her voice.

"Ortho, right?" I asked, trying to make some small talk. Yup, I was trying to make small talk in a bar bathroom. Nice.

"Yeah. Right, hi." She said, obviously not paying much attention. She seemed to be in a hurry to get out of here.

"I'm Arizona Robbins, peds surgery." I announced, rolling my eyes to myself. I could at least wait until she was done crying. "I've seen you at the hospital. Are you okay?" I frowned, deciding to address the fact that there was something wrong. The minute I mentioned that I'd seen her at the hospital her face dropped, making it clear that she was worried about the rumours. But she had no reason to be.

She turned round to face me. "Yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm… I'm fine." She stumbled over her words, making me smile.

"People talk." I blurted out, slapping myself internally. Who says that? Oh, right, me. "Where we work, they talk. A lot. So for the sake of being honest, I think I should tell you that I know things about you." Really? Could I sound any more like a nosy teenage girl? "Because people talk."

Her face dropped more and her shoulders slumped. "Oh. You mean..?" She asked referring to George and Erica and everything that had happened. I nodded. "Terrific." She mumbled sarcastically.

"It is, actually! The talk." I exclaimed, trying to get her to smile. "People really like you over there. They respect you, and they're concerned, and interested… They really like you. Some of them _really_ like you." I whispered, finally getting a smile from her. It was a nice smile, even if it was forced. "It's just, you look upset, and I thought you should know, the talk is good. And when you're not upset, when you're over being upset, there'll be people lining up for you." I finished, and she laughed sarcastically, as if the idea of people being interested in her was ridiculous.

"Wanna give me some names?"

What I did next surprised me. In a dirty bar bathroom, without even knowing her properly, I leaned in and kissed her. I kissed her! I remember one time I'd done that before in high school at prom, and the person had run away. Great. But Callie showed no signs of running.

"I think you'll know." I smiled brightly, and a smile spread across her face. I congratulated myself on the fact that it wasn't sarcastic or forced, but genuine. I smiled once more before walking out. I just walked out! I should've bought her a drink, or… Oh well, it was too late. Wait! What was I gonna do if she came back out here? Awk-ward. Okay. Since I didn't buy her a drink I paid for her tab before saying goodbye and leaving.

The days that passed went slowly. Very extremely slowly. I hadn't seen Callie around at all, and when I finally did see her she admitted to avoiding me, and then asked me out on a date. A date! I hand' been asked out on a date for ages. And me, being the complete asshole I was, said no! What the hell? I had a reason, I guess, What if I agreed, then we got more serious and ten she decided that she didn't want this and went back to men? I'd had too many experiences with that. I'd been ditched too many times and been hurt way too much. Still isn't a good enough reason.

And I'll thank God for very kindly making everything worse. Apparently when you call someone a new-born it really pisses them off, not that I could blame Callie. I'd asked one of the nurses put on a date on impulse, just to rid my mind of Callie Torres. But I found my mind wandering to her anyway, her face, her hair, he lips… Her. To be honest I think me and Julia both knew that this date wasn't going anywhere, and that fact was secured when Callie went all 'say anything' on me. I couldn't blame her. I was an ass. Or a bitch. Take your pick; I'd heard it all before. In school, in med school, during residency, all the damn time.

I really should give her a chance… I mean, I could be wrong. She didn't seem like she was going to run. Maybe I was just being presumptuous. I probably was. Okay… I spent most of the next day trying to find a way to apologise to Callie without begging or making myself seem like an idiot. Too late for that apparently, because I got my ass handed to me by a second year resident. Turns out the patient had ARVC. Today was just not going well for me.

However, things started improving when I found myself in an elevator with Callie. Do I ask her now? Or do I wait? She seems pissed it me. Of course she is. She doesn't say something. Oh crap… Screw it, I was doing it.

"I've had quite a day. Got by ass handed to me by Alex Karev, second year resident. Which is humbling, for a surgeon, especially for a know it all-"

She cut me off. "You don't have to do this. We don't have to friends, or whatever. It's a big hospital, lots of floors, lots of people. I'm okay with doing that for the next few years…" She trailed off, and I found myself getting just a smidge frustrating. She wasn't hearing me.

"You're not hearing me, Calliope. Sometimes I panic in the moment and call it wrong. I misjudge a situation. So, if you're up for it, I'd like to take you for dinner." I said confidently, but internally I was freaking out. I wanted this to work, I really did, oh my god… Panicking. I continued to look at her expectantly.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe." She replied casually, starting to walk out of the elevator. Maybe? What did that mean? Do I ask her? Or do I wait? I was going nutso.

"Maybe?"

She turned round to look at me with her arms folded. "Yeah, my schedule's kind of insane right now, so… I'll get back to you." And with that she walked off. She just turned me down. I'd asked people on dates before but I'd never been turned down. Maybe there was a reason for this. Anyway, whatever the reason was soon left my mind when he stopped the elevator with her hands, his time wearing a smile.

"How's, uh, tomorrow?" She asked nervously, her nonchalant attitude far gone. I just smiled at her, figuring that would say enough. She smiled back at me and I celebrated internally as the elevator started moving. I resisted the urge to fist pump the air and just stood there smiling like crazy.

I spent the next day stressing out. Supremely, completely, royally stressing out. I'd never been like this before a date before, which told me that this one with Calliope was important. There had to be a reason I was stressing over clothes. Speaking of which, what the hell was I supposed to wear? I'd texted her earlier to tell her I was taking her to a restaurant. I'd asked my new friend Jackie if she could recommend anywhere, and she'd suggested a little restaurant right next to the sea, which was really fancy but pretty cheap.

So what exactly do I wear? A dress. What dress? I had no clue. Do I accentuate my boobs, legs, or bum? Not all three, which was trashy. I didn't have a dress that did two. In the end I decided on legs, since it was a fancy sophisticated restaurant- it had freaking live piano music. That didn't sound like the type of place where I'd show off my boobs. I finally chose a dress, which I was proud of myself for remembering.

It was a bright with A-line which fell to just above my knees, and had thick straps. I paired it with a pair of red heels which I didn't even remember owning let alone packing. A lot of stuff that I had back in Baltimore I'd thrown out or given away, and I'd just kept everything I wanted and needed in boxes, which were scattered around the apartment still to be unpacked. What can I say? I was good at procrastinating. I curled my hair slightly and put on a light layer of makeup- just enough that it wasn't obvious.

As promised, it turned up outside of Callie's apartment at 7:55, five minutes early. I was nothing if not punctual. She was looking stunning in a simple black halter dress, with a pair of killer sandal heels. As soon as I saw her my eyes darted to her legs, and when she coughed I blushed and forced myself to concentrate on her face, which was also stunning.

"You look amazing." She complimented as she grabbed her back from a table that sat right next to the door.

"As do you. You ready to go?"

The food at the restaurant was uh-may-zing. I hadn't been at any of the restaurants in Seattle, but if all of their food was like this then I could see myself living here for a long time. Our conversation flowed easily, and little by little I could see her opening up to me, which I patted myself on the back for, and I smiled as she told be stories about crazy surgeries.

"It's a miracle he still even has his legs." I concluded for her as she finished telling me the story of a farmer who'd been crushed under the back wheels of a tractor.

"It was so cool. Well not for him, it probably hurt like hell, but for anyone else." She laughed, taking a sip of wine. We were currently in the middle of dessert, and I was having such a good time. We'd up until recently been playing a version of twenty questions, and I found myself learning little pieces of information about her- she had a pet ferret for nine years, she hate being called Calliope (which of course made me continue calling her it), she though popcorn was stupid, she grew up in Miami, and she had never missed a single Superbowl.

At the end of the night the hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye. We shared a sweet kiss at her apartment door and went our separate ways, and on the way back to my car I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, or her smile out of my head. Ugh, that was sappy. But it's the truth. Maybe Seattle was changing me, because I was never like this before, but then again I'd never fallen for… wait. I wasn't falling for her.

Or was I?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Aloha, people of earth and Mars and aaaaanyyy other place you may come from! Hi! I loved writing this chapter, I love Calzona, and I love FLUFF. Feel free to leave constructive criticism, but no hate (*immediately starts picturing Miranda Sings*). I'm sorry, it's been a long day, I'm in a god mood… Yeah. Hope you enjoyed it!

Happy Existing!


	5. Chapter 5

Being Arizona

Chapter five

 **Okay, I need you aaaall to be patient with me. I'm sorry this took longer to update! I went nutso trying to find out what events happened in which order, and how to write them in without just writing down what happened in the episodes. I hope I did a good job!**

Apparently when you worked at Seattle Grace Hospital, the drama starts piling on top of you until you can't breathe. Callie had coming running into my apartment a few mornings ago, rambling and stressing about Owen had tried to choke Cristina in her sleep. I'd listened in shock- this was horrible. For everyone. I smiled when I learned that Callie had been the one to separate them, because she practically saved Cristina's life. Although it wasn't Owen's fault and PTSD was a real disease that was horrible, if Callie hadn't pulled him away, or he hadn't woken up, then Cristina would have choked to death.

I felt horrible for Callie, I really did. She had too much going on to even think- this whole thing with Cristina and Owen, and Izzie, and there were rumours her dad might be paying a visit and he didn't know about the whole 'dating women' thing, she must be feeling horrible. So, I told her that I'd (try) to cook for her if she came round to my apartment that night. She needed to relax.

"I brought wine!" She announced as she arrived at my apartment, walking over to greet me with a kiss. I immediately noticed the stress on her face and leaned into hug her tightly, taking in the warm coconut smell of her hair, mixed with some kind of vanilla. It was my new favourite scent.

"You okay?" I asked her, taking the wine and retrieving two glasses from a box beside the kitchen counter. I'd actually made a start on unpacking the other day, but then I got paged into work and it had been left unfinished.

"Yeah. How's your day been?" She asked me, taking a grateful sip of the wine that I passed her and closing her eyes. "I needed this." She laughed.

"I needed this too." I agreed. "It just seems like every single case that comes into PEDs right now is hard, or the patient's terminal or little chance of surviving. Jackson Prescott messed everyone up, then Stacy Pollock wasn't any easier, I'm doing a fundoplication tomorrow, and a little girl named Jessica's getting admitted tomorrow. Tay Sachs." I rattled off all of the cases I'd had recently.

"Is it always like that?" She asked, taking my hand.

"Not always." I sighed. "I've only just started fellowship and I'm head of department so I guess I'm just stressed with it all, but no. Some kids survive. A lot of them do. They smile and make wishes, and when they can finally go home, the smile on their faces makes the hard cases worth it." I smiled, remembering all of the patients I'd discharged. Definitely worth it.

"So how often do you have Disney debates? You mentioned it the other day." She laughed.

"I had one today actually. Emma thought Simba was the hero of The Lion King, but just ask yourself – where would he be without Timon and Pumba?" I asked seriously.

"Hmm, I gotta agree with her on that one." Callie replied just as seriously. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

"Really? And why's that?"

She scoffed. "Did you even watch that movie? Simba had a bigger job with keeping them alive than keeping himself alive."

I shook my head vigorously. "Nope. Just nope."

"That's a great argument, you could be a lawyer."

We continued this light joking for a while, interrupted only by comfortable silence as we let our thoughts wander. I found myself leaning closer to Callie, taking in every inch of her face. Her big brown eyes that looked like they were about to close with sleep any second, her big full lips, her raven curls. How'd I get so lucky? She was amazing.

"Calliope, wake up." I nudged her gently about half an hour later when she'd fallen asleep fully, and I decided to go to bed. "Come to the bedroom, that couch isn't comfy."

"Mmm, 'kay." She mumbled and stood up, stumbling without looking back towards the bedroom. I smiled after her and quickly followed, laughing when I found that she had collapsed on the bed fully clothed, having not even bothered to get under the covers.

"Silly Calliope." I murmured, beginning my night time routine. It didn't take long for me to finish and when I did I threw a blanket over Callie before getting comfy under the covers myself. Normally it took ages for me to get to sleep, because my mind was usually filled with so many different thoughts, but tonight was different. Tonight, I just focused on the steady breathing of Callie and I drifted off to sleep easily.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If you asked any of my patients or their parents, they would have said I was acting completely normally, but in reality I was . out. Those rumours of Callie's dad coming to visit had turned into fact within hours, and Callie and I had agreed that I didn't have to meet him since we were still new.

Ha, ha, nope.

Carlos Torres had swooped in on this place like a freaking tornado, pinning both George O'Malley and Mark Sloan against the wall before Callie had let it slip that she was dating someone. Bippidy boppidy boo, I met Callie's dad. I was glad when it appeared that he drew the line at throwing women against walls, but all gladness was wiped from my face when I saw the icy cold glare he gave me in response. I looked round at Callie, asking the question with my eyes. Luckily, Miranda Bailey had watched the whole situation from the side-lines, and swooped in at the perfect moment to steal me for a 'consult.'

"Thank me later." She said when I started thanking her as soon as we turned the corner. "I get to watch you do that fundoplication, right?" She asked.

"Yup, but that's not 'til later. We've got Jessica Smithson until then, she has Tay Sachs. Got admitted after she had a seizure." I informed her and she frowned.

"What age is she?"

"Six." I replied and her frown deepened.

"Robbins…" She trailed off, and I knew what she was thinking. Most kids with Tay-Sachs didn't make it past four, and Bailey had made it clear, although maybe not in words, that she was done with hopeless cases. It may sound harsh, but Jessica was terminal, the moment we'd put off was around the corner.

"She's fine." I assured her, the lie sounding weak even to my ears.

One of the hardest things about this case was her father, Matt, who refused to accept the fact that there was nothing much we could do for her. He'd paid thousands of dollars towards her surgeries, and raised the same amounts through fundraisers for research. My heart broke for him- Jessica was all he had. I agreed to fight until the last second for Jess, but we had reached a point where nothing that we could do would help. But Matt didn't accept that, of course he didn't. Whenever I mentioned it, he'd say it was a shame on me for giving up.

That was honestly the worst things you could say to a surgeon. That they'd given up. That they didn't know what to do. Because we know what to do, we don't give up, we took an oath. To put what's best for the patient first, regardless of anything else. I'd lost count how many times people told me that I'd given up, Matt was just another to add to the list. People could see me moving to Seattle to escape everything giving up, and I hated the thought of it. Had I? Not in my mind.

After I left the paediatrics ward I decided to go and look for Callie. A little bit of sanity. However when I found her in an empty conference room, I couldn't make out a word she was saying, or shouting, because it was all in Spanish. I knew it was about her dad, and she was upset, but the rest was a mystery to me. I tried several times to get her to calm down and stop speaking Spanish, but every single time she appeared not to have heard me and continued ranting.

After about twenty minutes of this I turned to the one person who could actually understand anything that went on in Callie's head- Mark. I didn't like the fact that they'd slept together and he'd seen her naked, but I was willing to look past that because there were very sick children waiting for me upstairs.

Apparently, when Callie had been shouting, she had been mad about the fact that her dad was making her move back to Miami. Mark showed up in PEDs not long after I left them to tell me about it, and my heart sank. I didn't like long distance relationships, I never believed in them. Could we manage this? I hoped so.

It didn't come as a surprise to me when I yet again found Callie yelling in Spanish, this time in an argument with her dad. I wasn't sure whether the words her father was shouting were making her angrier or more upset, perhaps a mixture of the two. I decided in that moment that whatever came from this, I would stick with Callie. If she moved back to Miami, I would try. If she wanted to lie to her father, I would stay. If she wanted me gone, I would go, because this was hard for her. And Callie was a family person.

"He gave me an ultimatum." She announced when she stormed into the room moments later, snapping me out of the trance I'd been in. "He told me to come home, or break up with you, or he would cut me off, so I cut him off." She recited the events of the last ten minutes, her voice breaking.

"You didn't have to." I said. "You could've went, we could still do this. You could have told him we broke up or…" I trailed off, pulling her into a hug. She hugged me back tightly and we stayed like this for a while. Just her and I, in this moment.

"No, no." She said defiantly. "If he can't accept me, then it's not worth giving anything up for."

For the rest of the day I stayed with her as much as I could, although I did go and visit Jessica a few times. She was deteriorating quickly, and it broke my heart to see Matt finally give in. To put aside all of the paperwork and the flights to Mexico and hold his daughter. I performed the fundoplication, it went smoothly. Bailey chose to stay with Jessica, and that confirmed my thoughts that she'd be good in PEDs, all though she did point out that if she wanted to hold her child then she could just stay home with her son.

That night Callie stayed with me again. I looked down at her sleeping form and smiled, thanking my lucky stars that I'd moved to Seattle. They always say that darkness shows stars or something like that, and I never believed it. Just a few weeks ago I'd been in such a dark place that I hadn't been sure if I' ever escape, and then I'd met Callie.

I still missed Timothy, every day, every hour. I thought about him every minute, his laugh, his loyalty, his protectiveness. I missed him so much that it hurt to breathe some days. But with Callie things were a little easier, it was easier to fall asleep with her next to me. We had only just started dating, I hadn't even told her about Tim, but I could tell that she was going to change my life.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope you enjoyed this! I know the order of the events might not be accurate, but I just went on what I knew.


	6. Chapter 6

Being Arizona

Chapter six

 **Hey guys, I'm sorry this took longer to update! School just started back here which means our band performance at the Usher Hall is soon which also means my exam is soon, and then there's this event that we're playing at next month. It's the opening of a railway and the Queen's gonna be there, so things are pretty nutso.**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter, and if you read You can call it Home, the next chapter of that should be going up soon!**

So this whole thing with Calliope's family was a mess. Apparently we had both underestimated the amount of power Carlos Torres had, and now her whole family was silent. I tried to talk to her about it but she didn't want to talk, she just wanted to call them over 20 times a day in the hope they'd answer.

It was times like this when I was glad that my family had taken it so well. Then again, I guess they'd had time to adjust, even if they didn't know it for sure, but as I looked back it wasn't a surprise to know that they'd known before I'd told them. I remember the day I told them. It felt so good to say it and not hide it anymore. With every person I told it was like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders, and I had Tim through it all.

To be honest, Tim had been the one I'd been most afraid of telling. Although my parent's opinions mattered so much, I knew that I would never be able to get through it without Tim. I wasn't sure how I'd expected him to react, but telling me that he was going to dance so hard at my wedding wasn't what I expected. After his reaction I was more confident.

My train of thought (I never really got that phrase. 'Train of thought'. What, did it miss the bus?) was cut off by my pager going off by my waist indicating that I was needed in the ER. Turns out it was a facial laceration on a six year old, which could have easily been seen to by a resident. Although I had to admit that sometimes I liked to be paged for stitches or something simple because it helped clear my mind, and after Cristina's comment about just pretending to break up, I definitely needed it.

Could she do that? Just flat out lie to her family? Maybe she could. What did that mean for us? As I thought about it through the day, I realised my answer. I was staying. She was kind and caring and badass and I loved that about her. And I would keep loving that no matter what.

So, to take both of our minds off of everything, I decided to make reservations for tonight. I figured we both could use it, just some times to ourselves. A chance to dress nicely since we never got to do that as surgeons and eat fancy food which would beat the cafeteria food any day. I texted Callie to tell her I would pick her up at eight.

"Hey, pretty lady." I greeted her with a smile and flashed her my dimples. I easily took her hand in mine and lead her to my car which was parked just down the road.

The car journey was almost silent, which was unusual. Both of us were big talkers and could normally never shut up when we got together, but Callie didn't make any attempts at conversation and I didn't want to push. So instead I took the time to actually pay attention to the surroundings as we drove. Normally when I drove I was going to work so I was thinking about a case, and any other time I just focused on the road and let my thoughts flow. If my dad had found out that I hadn't done any sightseeing or learning about where I lived her would tell me off, because he was big on that kinda stuff. I guess he had to be, since we'd lived in so many different places.

"So what's going on in the world of Calliope recently?" I asked her. We'd barely been able to see each other over the past few weeks since we'd both been working so much, but then again we were always working like crazy. It was part of being a surgeon.

"Not much." She mumbled looking at the menu carefully. She seemed lost in thought as she scanned the different meals so I just left her to it, calling the waiter over for a bottle of wine. Hey, I wasn't working tomorrow and I was making the most of it. I decided on the seafood platter. Normally I was a bit funny about seafood, but since there were no fancy words I didn't understand in the description then I decided to give it a go.

Calliope however ordered the salad. The freaking salad. I was kind of coming to my own conclusion that there was something up with her because she was acting really off, and the Callie I knew would have gone for a chicken dish, which was why I brought her here. The resident I'd had today had recommended it because of their chicken Marsala, which I knew Callie loved. I watched her closely or a while, taking in how she didn't seem to be listening to what I was saying and glancing at the wall every so often.

"Are you okay?" I asked her with a frown after noticing her check the clock for the fifth time within the space of an hour. She snapped out of whatever trance she'd been in and plastered a big, unconvincing smile on her face.

"Nothing, nothing I'm great." She replied and I could tell she was lying. However I guessed that if she was going to lie about it then she must not want to talk about it. I instead sipped my wine slowly while waiting for her to finish her meal. When the cheque came I signed it quickly and gave him my card, which Callie tried to protest to but I insisted.

The rest of the night hadn't gone well either. She seemed to be in a rush to get home so I dropped her off and waited until I saw her apartment light turn on before I drove away, wondering what could've gotten to her. Was it this whole family thing? But then again she would discuss that with me as she had before. Was it Izzie? I knew she never liked her, but she'd admitted to wishing her dead and now that Izzie was dying I'm sure she felt horrible. I guess I would figure out tomorrow.

When I got home I was disappointed to see that it was only 10:30pm. We hadn't even been out three hours. That sucked. I know I could've just gone to bed and gotten the sleep that so often evaded me, but I decided that the boxes were getting on my last nerve and decided to unpack some of them.

It was late before I even considered going to bed. I wasn't really a big sleeper, and since I was a surgeon I had to be able to run on little hours of sleep. Even when I was a kid I would always be up until crazy hours of the morning t thinking, because even as a kid I thought a lot. As a teenager I thought a lot too and especially now that I was an adult and responsible for people's lives.

As I stared up to the plain white ceiling of my bedroom wall, making a mental note to dust, I thought about Callie and tonight. Was there something wrong with her? Or did she simply just not want to go on a date, and all of this was just a fling to her? I hoped not.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Maybe it is."

That hurt. I'd approached Calliope the next day at work and asked her if it was just a fling to her, and she'd replied with maybe. She was picking up extra shifts in the ER which she clearly didn't want to pick up although she insisted she loved it. I'd only seen her a few times throughout the day, but whenever I did I could tell she was _not_ enjoying it in the slightest. There was a massive trauma case involving college students. I wasn't involved in the case since they were all over eighteen, but that didn't mean I hadn't been in the ER. She was shouting and stressing and definitely not enjoying it, which left me the question of why she was acting so weird.

So basically what she was saying that she couldn't get enough of the ER, but she could get enough of me, right? I wasn't just making things up, was I?

For most of the day the paediatric ward was pretty busy. I performed four surgeries back to back and had a kid on life support, but that was normal for me. I also made time throughout the day to spend time buying pudding cups for patients. Normally people questioned why I did it because the pudding cups here were barely edible, but the kids seemed to love them, and whatever it took to make them smile I was willing to do. I liked doing it.

So she loved the ER? Yeah, right. Tell that to her. She was lying on a gurney fast asleep on the OR floor when I found her. She started awake when I started talking.

"I just want you to know that I am hurt. I am hurt, and I am angry. Because, I thought that we had something. I thought that we were going somewhere. And, if you're just sleeping around. If you're just making the rounds on girl surgeons, then I think you ought to know that I..." I rambled but she cut me off.

"We went to a fancy restaurant." She said firmly yet gently. What?

"What?"

"We went to a fancy restaurant, the nicest in Seattle. The salad that I ordered, the salad cost $26.95. The wine that you ordered cost $125 a bottle. I didn't even look at the entrees because I knew I wasn't gonna be able to order one. Because, I was already out 75 bucks, and I don't even like salad." She said, clearly tearing up. I instantly felt bad because I could see where this was going. Why did I have to be so presumptuous all the damn time?

"Oh." Was all I could say. I really didn't know how to comfort her after I'd acted like a bitch all day.

"And then the bill came and you…"

Oh shit. I paid. And she'd even tried to help pay when she couldn't afford it which just made me feel worse. "I paid." I finished for her.

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes. "Do you know what I was doing before they brought over the check? I was counting in my head, trying to figure out how I was going to buy food for the rest of the week if my half was 75 bucks, because I don't have 75 bucks, because my father disowned me. And, has cleared out my bank account. I am broke, and I am exhausted Arizona. I'm working in the ER because I need the money. 6 people died on my watch today and I am fried. I wanted to stay in last night. I thought, I thought that last night would be the night for us. You know? Our night. But, you wanted to go to a fancy restaurant. I can't do that. I can't."

So her father disowned her and I'd been a bitch all day, and six people died on her watch and she was working like crazy and I'd made everything worse. Go me.

I sat down on the gurney beside her and lifted her head up, praying silently for her to stop crying. I hated when she was sad or angry, because all she ever did was for other people and yet she still seemed to get her heart broken. "It's ok. It's ok. Hey, so, we'll stay in, and we'll eat sandwiches."

"You don't even like sandwiches." She pointed out with a half laugh and a smile.

"But I like the girl who has the sandwiches." I insisted completely truthfully. It was true that I didn't like sandwiches; People thought it was weird that I didn't like such a basic thing but I just thought they were weird. However, if it was all we could eat for the next ten years that I'd happily do so.

"Ok. No, you know what... I don't like sandwiches either. I like pizza." She decided, which made me smile.

"I like pizza too."

I was glad that even though I'd upset her I was able to fix it, because there was nothing that I wanted more than to stay inside and eat pizza with her.


	7. Chapter 7

Being Arizona

 **Hey guys, I'm sorry these keep taking longer to update. Instead of apologising all the time, I'm just gonna admit that these updates will be slower than when it first started.**

Chapter seven

"Tough day?" Callie asked, giving me a kiss then pulling me down to sit on the couch beside her where she was watching some crappy reality show. I never understood why she watched these because they were a pile of crap, but she insisted that he only watched because the drama wasa funny.

Calliope and I's relationship, if that's what this was, was going great. There was nothing more that I loved than the little spark of sanity she brought to me, that wave of comfort. Together we were kind of in a bubble. I hadn't told her about Timothy yet, and I didn't know when I was planning to. It wasn't like I was avoiding it, it just never came up in conversation I guess.

"Yeah. I just feel like I'm doing everything wrong." I simplified everything that I felt right now.

It wasn't long after that that things heated up and we took it to the bedroom.

"Torres! You're working in twenty!" The familiar voice of Mark rang through Callie's apartment an hour later, making us both groan in frustration. I mean, I get it that Mark was her best friend but he really needed to learn how to knock before just walking into her apartment.

"Shit, I am." She said with a tone of realisation. She leaned over to kiss me on the cheek before pointing over tot eh chest of drawers beside her bed. "There's keys there, lock the door on your way out. Just give them to me when you get to work or whatever." She mumbled as she stumbled blindly from the bed, hurriedly yanking on clothes and shoving her hair into a ponytail. She gave me a quick kiss before heading out, making a point to slam the door as she went.

I lay there for a few moments, thinking over everything I had to do today. I didn't start wok until noon today, so it was probably best to go over to my apartment and clear the last few boxes. Yes, I know it's been a month. I'm great at procrastinating!

I help myself to some toast before I leave, making sure to lock the door behind me. It felt good, waking up at Callie's and leaving and locking up as if it were my own place. Aside from Cristina, who was rarely there, it was mostly just us over there. I hardly went to my apartment anymore, which was partially why I wasn't fully unpacked, but it was a work in progress.

Three hours later, when I patted myself on the back for finally finishing unpacking, I started getting everything ready for work. I didn't know what time we'd woken up this morning, but apparently it was pretty early given that I still had plenty of time.

On my way out, something caught the corner of my eye. Another freaking box that I'd apparently missed. I sighed and dumped my bag on the couch before picking the box up and walking over to the couch, opening I slowly and gasping when I saw what was inside.

On the very top was a navy blue sweater, just a plain one, but it was heavy with the smell of Tim's favourite aftershave, and also my favourite one. I remember he always 'forgot' to take it back with him so that I could keep it with me, and on nights when it was the hardest I would wear it to bed. I held the soft fabric up to my face and inhaled the scent deeply, closing my eyes and remembering how he used to call me a stalker for keeping things that smelled of him.

I sighed and preceded deeper into the box, smiling slightly when I found Tim's diary, I always remember teasing him for it, saying that he was just like a teenage girl, keeping a diary, but I had to admit it was a good idea. I wish I'd done that, because it would be cool to look back on everything now.

 _March 1_ _st_ _, 2008_

 _I still think it's weird writing in this thing. I feel like I'm talking to paper._

 _I'm being sent back home in two weeks. I haven't told anyone. Not mom, not dad, not Evelyn, not even Arizona. I figure it will be cool to surprise them all, don't you think?_

 _But first we're being sent away in a cart to go and fight people. Sigh. I love doing this but two weeks is looming in my head and I just can't wait to get home._

 _I'm going to propose to Evelyn. I'm totally freaking out and it's completely crazy but I really think we're ready for this. I love her so much, but I need to talk to Arizona about it first. Make sure all of this heat and sand going to my head, but I don't think it is._

 _Anyway, not much else has happened. No rain, no sign of anything. There were a few gunshots the other day but we couldn't find the shooter. Must've escaped, damnit._

 _So, um, bye? This is still weird._

 _Timothy_

By the end of it I was in tears. He was going to come home… Propose to Evelyn… He had no idea. He even mentioned being sent out on the cart that would later be blown up and kill him. He had no idea.

The rest of the box was full of similar things, like his watch and dog tags. Funny, I don't even remember packing this box; let alone bringing it with me. I continued on my way to the bottom and found a single note written on light purple paper.

 _I thought you should have these. I have the ring and a few other things. - Evelyn._

So she knew. She knew he was going to propose. Her heart would be breaking, just as all of ours were. After all, she was the first woman Tim really loved. And last.

Just then I realised that if I didn't move my butt now then I was going to be late, so I hastily wiped my tears, grabbed my phone, purse and keys and headed out.

Once I reached the hospital and changed into my scrubs I began to walk towards the chief's office. After a lot of consideration I had decided to offer Bailey the fellowship. She didn't seem to enthusiastic, but then again not everyone was jumping around and smiling all the time and rolling along in wheely sneaks.

But then again, I had expected there to be more jumping or 'yay's. Especially after being offered a highly prized fellowship. But she had warned me not to take her face personally, so I was gonna. Instead I decided to find Callie and return her key. I however changed my plan of action when I saw Bailey sitting and sulking at the nurse's station.

"Maybe we're bouncier in peds than in general surgery, but I thought there would've been a 'yay!' or some jumping around." I said with a smile. "Cause you look pretty down for someone who's about to start a highly prized fellowship." And then I got a closer look and realised that maybe she wasn't going to. "You are about to start a highly prized fellowship, aren't you?"

This is when Callie highly inconveniently for me but convenient for Bailey decided to arrive and change the subject. "Hey I've got a plan to stop George, you in?"

"Stop George from what?" I asked, now more curious to find out more. A plan may be perfectly normal, but to stop one in a hospital it normally meant drama, and lots of it.

"He joined the army. Yes, I'm in." Bailey said before starting to walk away.

"Bailey, I'm talking to you-" I started but she'd already rounded the corner. Deciding to let it go I turned to Callie. Why was she trying to stop him? "Why're you trying to stop him?"

"Because he joined the army."

"And?" That was actually awesome. He could be a trauma surgeon there, save the people like my brother who died because there weren't enough surgeons there.

"And because he's my ex-husband? Because I know his mom and love his mom?" She started. "And normally Izzie would talk sense in to him but she'd got cancer and kind of a bad mental deficit, so… It's on me to stop him."

I still didn't get it. What was bad about this? "Why would you wanna stop him?"

"Because he joined the army! Don't you think that's a problem?" She asked incredulously.

"I think that's awesome."

The look I received after I said that confirmed my belief that she did not think this was awesome at all. She just gave me that disgusted look and walked away, leaving me confused, so what if George joined the army? He'd be great.

Over the next few hours things didn't get any better. Apparently the reason why Bailey wasn't jumping for joy about the fellowship was because her husband would divorce her if she did, which left me feeling like a presumptuous bitch. It seemed like I'd made a bad impression on everyone here. I'd cried in front of the chief and then tried to steal Bailey, I'd tried to push Bailey into a fellowship that she didn't know if she wanted to do, and I had my ass handed to me by Alex Karev. The only person that I didn't make a bad impression on was Callie, and even she was ignoring me right now. Apparently saying that her ex-husband joining the army earned you the silent treatment.

Maybe I should explain to her, because maybe she wouldn't act like this if she knew my reasoning behind it. I know she'd refused to talk to me about it and had instead gotten angry, but after some thought I could see where she was coming from, even if I didn't agree. She was worried, terrified for his life. Just like I had been with Timothy.

I found her sulking away yet again in a lounge, staring at the wall with a blank expression. I didn't bother to greet her before speaking.

"I don't see things. So maybe I just don't get what's going on with you or why you're so mad, but I do think it's awesome. I think that George joining the army is awesome." I began, and I didn't have to see her to know that she was rolling her eyes.

"Um, shut up."

"Um, no." I snapped back, walking over to face her. If I was gonna do this, completely spill my thoughts to her, then I needed to see her.

"You asked me who I was. I am a person who thinks that what George is doing is dangerous and terrifying and brave. He's going to serve his country. He's going to risk his life to save the men and women who make it possible for you and I to sleep safely in our beds. I'm a person who thinks that that is brave." I took a deep breath, willing myself not to cry as I said the next bit. "And I am a person who stood in an airplane hangar and watched them unload my brother's body in a coffin" I couldn't help my voice from breaking. I could say it in my head all I wanted and I could think about it all the time, have nightmares about it most nights, but saying it out loud was different. It made it too real. "And all we got was a flag."

There was a second of silence as I tried to get myself together. "My brother died over there because there weren't enough doctors, Callie. So, for my money, George O'Malley is a patriot. He's a hero. And I'm grateful that he exists. So yeah, the word I use is "awesome". That's who I am." And that was it as I walked away, just leaving her to think about it. However, she grabbed my hand to stop me.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, looking up at me with tears in her eyes. I sighed and looked down at her, and I could tell that she really was sorry.

"Everyone survived but him." I whispered, barely able to handle it myself. And in that moment I was unable to keep it together anymore, and the tears escaped. Calliope stood up to hug me and I fell into her warm embrace, breathing in her warm scent of coconut and cocoa beans. I stayed in this moment for as long as I could, just let myself be comforted.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"It's George."

My head snapped up from the book I was reading, my head going funny from the dark light. I guess I hadn't noticed it getting dark as I read away in the attending's lounge. Peds had been pretty quiet, and it seemed like trauma were the ones with all the cases anyway.

"What?" I looked up to see Callie standing there with her shoulders slumped, her face stained with tear tracks and her makeup running.

"John Doe. The guy who got hit and dragged by a bus. It's George." Was all she said and it was all she had to. I stood up and pulled her into my arms just as she'd done just hours before.

"Oh, Callie…" Was all I could say. This was horrible.

"It doesn't look good for him… His face isn't even recognisable, his brain could go at any second and his heart is a ticking time bomb. He was on his way to see his mom before he got sent out…"

For the next half hour or so I listened to Callie's stories of George, how they'd met and dated for a short while before eloping in Vegas, which I couldn't believe, because Callie seemed like such a wedding-y person. She told me about the drama with his friends, and how he cheated on her with Izzie. Twice.

Until she had to go into surgery, and I was waiting with bated breath. What was going to happen?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 **Abrupt ending, I know. But what'd you think? It was weird to write.**

 **Happy Existing!**


	8. Chapter 8

Being Arizona

 **Hey guys, so I realised I didn't make it very clear what the point of this story is. Grey's is great, the actors portray the characters brilliantly, and Shonda is amazing. But one thing I hate about films and TV shows is that you never actually see what's going on inside a character's head, or their chain of thought that lead to different things. We can only guess. So, this is basically what I think goes on.**

I stared down at the flat cardboard box in my hands, taking in the bright colours before glancing back up at the door of apartment 502, not sure of what I would be met with. Callie's moods had gone from overly sarcastic to angry to crying over the past few days, and I hadn't spoked to her yet so I wasn't' sure what was awaiting me.

George O'Malley had died. It was horrible. He'd jumped in front of a bus to save a woman he hardly knew, and the bus hadn't noticed him and had dragged him twenty feet before even noticing him. It was hard on everyone in the hospital. His organs had been donated- they'd actually asked Callie to make the decision about it, but she couldn't do it because according to her even thought they were married, she was never the most important person in his life. Izzie was, and it was Izzie who made the call.

Callie was really upset. Meredith Grey had asked me if I was concerned at how upset she was getting over this, but I wasn't. I totally understood. He was her ex-husband, she had loved him. A part of her was always going to love him, but it wasn't enough to be with him. George had been a great surgeon- I'd worked with him all of two times, but he definitely showed potential, even if it wasn't as obvious as with the others. If I was overwhelmed at how much things had changed just since I'd arrived here, then it was impossible to imagine how it must be for her.

"Calliope?" I called out into the quiet apartment, setting the box of donuts down on the coffee table and proceeding into the apartment. I couldn't hear or see anyone or anything so I continued through to the bedroom to see Callie sitting there reading a book, although her eyes remained glued to the same spot so I could tell she wasn't taking any of it in. "Calliope." I said to get her attention, lying down on the bed beside her and wrapping my arm around her shoulders.

She jumped a little then smiled down at me. "You gave me a fright." She said, kissing me softly and setting the book down.

"How was your day? I barely saw you." I asked her, laying my head down on her shoulder.

"Um… You might go mad if I tell you." She said unsurely, beginning to chew her nail which was a nervous habit of hers. I lifted my head and gave her a closer look.

"Tell me, Callie." I said, not caring for all of this putting off crap.

"Well, I kiiiinda, maaaaybe, sooorta, yelled at the chief then got fired and now I got a job at Mercy West and he also announced the merger which means I'm probably gonna get fired again." She said at top speed, and I was only just able to make out what she said, but when my brain caught up I frowned.

"Why did you yell at the chief?" I asked, finding the thought of it amusing. The chief was very laid back and calm so it was hard to imagine someone yelling at him.

"He said I pretty much had a secured fellowship here, and then Chang decided to put off his retirement so guess what that means?" She fumed. "So then I got really pissed and told him that I was a superstar with a scalpel and that he would regret it." She finished.

"Well, you are a super star. You're great. And you might like working at Mercy West. And maybe Webber won't fire you again." I tried to convince her, but she was having none of it.

"Yeah, whatever." She muttered, making me sigh. I'm guessing that there was no way to lift her spirits.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Doctor Arizona's here!" Six year old Emily yelled in excitement when I entered the room. Emily had stage three lung cancer and was here for her next round of chemo, which was apparently side effect free so far. She'd been my patient ever since I got here and she and her parents were becoming friends of mine quickly. Today, I brought good news.

"Hey Em! Where are your mom and dad?" I asked, looking around but seeing no sign of them. I did see lots of Disney movies and stacks of different children's books, but no parents in sight.

"Mommy's in the bathroom and Daddy's in the cafeteria. He doesn't like the food here but I like the pudding." She said pointing to the door of the joined bathroom which as if on cue opened to reveal Mrs. Harris.

"Arizona, hi!" She greeted me. One thing about this family is that they were all very cheery. Like unusually cheery. I guess just like me then, according to others.

"Where's Andrew?" I asked, because this was news that I really needed to tell them together.

"Right here!" A voice said behind me and I jumped and turned around to see Andrew standing with a chocolate pudding cup and a smile.

"I have good news!" I announced, pulling Emily's charts from the file and holding them up. "The cancer's going away!" I exclaimed cheerfully. It had been about a month since I'd started to see difference, but I hadn't wanted to say anything. However, it had been a month and it showed no signs of stopping so I think it was safe to inform them.

For the rest of the day I had a relatively good day, everyone seemed as happy as they could be when they were getting surgery, and there were several good outcomes on surgeries I performed. Just an overall good day and I planned to take Callie for drinks when my shift finished to celebrate. In peds, it was nearly every day that you encountered hard questions or tough moments, but you just had to push through them because the next kids was always waiting.

"So what do you think about this merger?" I asked Callie and Mark as I sipped at a red wine. Very sophisticated, I know. But I had work tomorrow so I wasn't here to go nuts.

"Hate it." Callie grumbled as she took a drink, glaring at her half empty glass.

"Can't say I love it." Mark added.

"It's worse for the residents though, since there's gonna be lots more of them." I chipped in.

"You guys are both ranked as some of the best surgeons in the US, though, I'm just a nobody so they won't care about me." Callie sulked which made me laugh. She was in the process of making cartilage from scratch, for goodness sake!

"Don't be stupid, silly girl, you're amazing." I smiled, kissing her hand which was in mine. She smiled back at me and kissed my forehead in return.

Mark made a face similar to a five year old's. "Ew, get a room."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 **Hey guys, sorry it was shorter! But I'm currently writing the last chapter for my other fic, You can call it Home, so if you wanna read that then go ahead!**

 **Happy Existing!**


	9. Chapter 9

Being Arizona chapter nine

 **Hey guys, so I was really excited to write this one! I love 6x08, I just feel like we get to see a different side of Arizona and what a great surgeon she really is. Because to be honest, her first few episodes on the show made her look like a complete bitch.**

 **And I also decided to put this chapter into two parts, since part one already took me ages to write and I didn't want to not update any longer.**

 **Anywhooo, happy reading!**

I loved this bubble Callie and I were in. It was the first time in my life when I completely didn't care what anybody thought, and it felt amazing not to. We were progressing with this relationship nicely, and I'd even confirmed the 'girlfriend' title when she'd been contemplating moving to Portland. Crazy, right? I missed her when she was at Mercy West, never mind all the way in Portland. I wasn't a big believer in long distance relationships.

Anyway, that's not relevant now. The merger took place a few weeks ago and I can't say I love it. The new residents were good, but they seemed way to confident and full of themselves considering it was only, like, the second week they were here. Our residents were also going nuts, and I could understand. The battle for surgeries was intense nowadays, and I'd had several of them come up to me and beg to scrub in. And if that wasn't intense then I don't know what was, because everyone thought peds was babysitting and fluff. Yeah right.

Wallace Anderson was a perfectly good example of why peds wasn't always babysitting and fluff. We'd been doubtful that he'd make it to his 9th birthday, considering he had a disease with no cure. I say that now, and he's turning 11 on Friday. I'd been with him since day one, and now I was working with him and his parents and had become good friends with them all. They all had hearts full of hope that this disease might be cured, but as of lately his scans and lab results were concerning me. Things were starting to deteriorate.

"Arizona! How ya doing?" Bethany, his mother, greeted me when I walked into the room. Parents of patients and patients themselves were becoming my only kind of real friends nowadays. I mean, yeah, I had acquaintances and what not, but I couldn't really call them friends. I also had Mark, but to be honest he just got on my nerves. And he stared at my boobs when I was talking to him and it made me really uncomfortable.

"I'm great! You?" I asked as I began a quick check up on Wallace, who wasn't paying attention and was drawing what appeared to be a human heart on a drawing pad. It was actually pretty decent.

"Good, good. You excited for your birthday?" She asked, and my heart sank a little.

Ah, my birthday. I remember every year when we were kids; Tim would always be more excited than anyone for my birthday. He would take on the role of the parents and wake up early to help decorate, he would make sure he found the perfect present and he did everything he could to make it the best day ever, because he knew I got a hard time for being gay at school, and this was a day where I could ignore all that.

However, when he joined the Marines, it kinda stopped. There wasn't time for big celebrations and I found myself not enjoying my birthday anymore. Over the last few years I didn't actually even celebrate it, because without Timothy they just weren't something I like or enjoyed any more.

"It's just a day, like every other day." I laughed, just as I had done with every other person who had asked me that question. Well, those of whom who knew about my birthday, and that was only really the people back home. Nobody here knew, not even Callie. I knew that if I told her she would make a big deal and that really wasn't what I wanted. Because I was telling the truth- it was just a day like any other day, only that I happened to be born on that day too. It was probably a lot of other people's birthday too, like Wallace's.

"Oh, come on! You're not even gonna celebrate it?"

"Celebrate what?" I smiled as I reviewed Wallace's charts. Bethany then decided to give up and change the subject.

"So, any updates?" She asked, and I contemplated whether to tell her about this morning's results. To be fair, it was the first time results like these had come in and it could just be a onetime thing, a bad day. I decided to play it down.

"His stats were a little low last night, but I don't think it's anything to be concerned about." I admitted and her face dropped, making it clear that she was concerned anyway. "Just a bad night." I said again, mostly to convince her but partially to assure myself. This boy had had fifteen plus surgeries in his nearly eleven years of life and I'd be damned if I lost him.

Oh and also, Bethany and Paul were donating 25 million dollars. They just randomly called in for a meeting, and offered the money. Half for research, half for the peds department. I mean, I knew Wallace's parents were rich, or well off, however you wanted to put it, but not 25 million dollars wealthy! It was so crazy. Who just offers people that? It also put a lot of pressure on me, because that money towards research for short gut syndrome wasn't for some other kid, it was for Wallace. And as I said, things were deteriorating.

"Hey, what's going on?" Callie asked as she entered the empty room where I was staring at Wallace's scans. Today, on one of the most hectic days ever, just as I was trying to save an already critical baby, Charles Percy had approached me with the news that Wallace's labs were bad. And they were.

"What am I supposed to do?" I barely whispered. Bethany and Paul both wanted me to operate on him, and I wanted to be able to, but his body couldn't take it, especially after fifteen surgeries and a bowel lengthening procedure. I did not think that it was at all a good idea to operate, but I found myself facing no other choice. Even though it would only give Wallace a few more months, Bethany and Paul wanted the surgery, and you couldn't exactly say no to people who held so much power.

"Listen to me." Callie said. I'd already told her about the situation with Wallace over text message, so apparently she felt the need to come see me in person. I was grateful for that. I needed her now. Everything was going crazy around me and I needed, as what I'd said was, the spark of sanity she brought to me.

"You can do this. I told you before, you are great. You are outstanding. You are ranked as one of the best paediatric surgeons in the country. You will do this." She said, and that was all she needed to before leaving. I smiled slightly for a second as I watched her go but frowned as I turned back to the charts. I guess it was now or never.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The waiting room was deadly quiet. I never normally noticed this, but today I did. I also noticed the way every single person looked up as we entered, obviously hopeful that it was news for them, and looking disappointed when our news wasn't relevant to them or their families.

"Arizona." A quiet voice said from behind me and I turned round to see Bethany and Paul standing there. Bethany had a look of half hope and half fear on her face, and I decided to break the tension by smiling. Once Bethany saw my smile she enveloped me in a tight hug.

"He's weak just now, but he pulled through. You want to see him?" I offered and they both nodded eagerly, clearly bursting to see their little boy who had just had a life threatening surgery.

Over the last few days it had gotten so crazy to a point where I hadn't noticed that it was Thursday evening, and that Wallace would be turning eleven tomorrow. I just wished he could pull through the night so that he could see it and I could celebrate with him like I promised.

It was an extreme understatement to say that today had been a long day, and I was glad when I could finally go home, well, to Callie's, at the end of it. I was disappointed, however, when she was nowhere to be found. It pissed me off slightly, because she told me she'd be home and she knew how big of a deal this surgery was, and yet she wasn't here. On one of my biggest crisis's she wasn't here, after everything I'd helped her through.

So I decided to wait for her. I sat down on the couch, called her a few times and left voicemails each time, then gave up and let my thoughts drift towards Wallace's surgery, retracing every step and every cut I'd made, wondering I there was anything I could do better. I believed that I'd put everything I knew and had into that surgery, and all I could do was pray that it Wallace could hold on.

It wasn't long before she finally came through the door, her mind clearly on something else.

"I left you messages." I said quietly, and she sighed.

"I'm sorry; I was in surgery that caught up…" She trailed off and I stood up.

"I don't care okay? I operated on Wallace tonight even when I knew better. I keep retracing every step, every _suture_ , I keep going over it and _over it_ -"

"He didn't make it?" Callie asked sadly, a look of worry on her face.

"He did. He's in recovery. That's not the point- what I needed from you tonight was a little bit of support, for once, and you weren't here and-"

She cut me off again, which ticked me off. "Okay, you're scared. So you're picking a fight. You get that, yeah?" She asked me as if I were a two year old.

"Yeah, yeah, fine whatever." I said dismissively. "But I have helped you through crisis after crisis, and once I thought I could come here and get something-"

And I sighed as I was cut off again, only not this time by Callie, but by Cristina who stormed into the apartment closely followed by Owen who seemed to be having an argument of their own.

So what I gathered from the next few minutes was that Yang had gone rogue in a resident and Callie hadn't told me, and then she tried to tell me that I'd distracted her my telling her to tell me I was great. Hunt was going nuts at her and Callie and I were arguing and it was too much for me to handle, which made me relieved when my pager went off, giving me an excuse to leave.

Turns out it was a trauma, an eleven year old girl who had fallen while at gymnastics and hit her head pretty hard. Shepherd told me that he wouldn't have paged me if it wasn't for the fact that she had passed out for quite a while and he suspected a brain bleed, and turns out he was right. I spent a few hours in the OR with him operating on her and didn't even notice when Thursday turned into Friday.

"Hey." Callie greeted me as I entered my office to find that she'd been waiting for me there. I took one look at her and engulfed her in a hug.

"I'm sorry for picking a fight. You were right, I'm terrified." I admitted through watery eyes. "It's his eleventh birthday today and I just want him to make it through the day."

"Hey, it's okay." She soothed me, rubbing slow circles in my back as I cried. Just then my pager went off, and my heart sank horrible when it was Charles Percy paging me, 911 for Wallace. I looked up at Callie and ran out of the room, sprinting towards Wallace's room which was a source of pure chaos right then.

"What the hell happened?"


	10. Chapter 10

Being Arizona chapter ten

Minutes flew by. Hours flew by, and before I knew it, I'd been operating on Wallace for six hours. He'd gone into septic shock because his body wasn't strong enough to handle the surgery like I'd said in the first place. Over the last six hours in the OR he'd gone in and out of shock while I tried to find a way to prevent it from happening again, and failing every time.

This time, he'd gone into shock again, but his stats were lower than ever before and they weren't stabilising any time soon. I, along with all of the other doctors and scrub nurses in the OR tried desperately to bring him out of it. It was when he finally started to code that I started to panic. I tried to bring him back for over an hour, pushing so many rounds of epi that I lost count and shocking him many times, and I could tell that the others in the OR had given up a long time ago.

"Dr Robbins." Dr Percy said from beside me, trying to get me to stop compressions, which I had started taking over about ten minutes ago. My hands to shoulders were aching, my breath burned in my chest and throat but I refused to stop. This boy was supposed to be celebrating his eleventh birthday today, not lying in a morgue.

"No!" I refused, keeping the compressions going and tuning out anyone else who tried to talk to me.

"Dr Robbins, he's gone."

"No!" I repeated.

"Dr Robbins."

I looked up; noticing that everyone else had stopped working, and it was just me left working. They were all staring at me, a few of them giving each other 'what do we do?' glances, and that was when I realised they were right. He'd been coding for over an hour so far and there was no sign of him coming back, and I should've known that when I began this surgery in the first place. The only thing I was doing by keeping him alive was making him worse.

I felt my arms slowing, and eventually stopping. I sighed and hung my head resignedly and let my breath catch up to me, before looking up at the clock and calling time of death. I then walked out of the OR and went to find the chief and that asshole Jennings, who everyone hated but he was too powerful for anyone to actually say anything about it.

On the way to wherever they were, presumably in the surgical waiting room, I couldn't stop thinking about Bethany and Paul. Jennings had forbidden me to be the one to tell them the news, because if they asked me I would tell them the truth. I just killed their son. I am a liability. They should sue. And that would be bad for the hospital so I wasn't getting to speak to them, and apologise for killing their son.

"Dr Robbins, are you okay?" Alex Karev asked me as I did my last check on the peds ward before heading home to Callie. I had only seen her seven hours ago but I already missed her, and I couldn't wait to get home and just lie with her, and forget everything that had happened.

"I'm great." I replied, although I could tell by my tone that I wasn't convincing. However he seemed to get that I didn't want to talk and nodded before walking away.

Everyone thinks that surgeons are used to it. Losing patients every day must seem like a normal thing to us. That we automatically knew how to deal with it and moved on easily. But that wasn't true. As I said to, we move forward to the next kid because they needed us just as much as the ones before, but losses still hit us hard. And this was just an example. It left me feeling like I'd failed.

I walked slowly home, not caring that it was a freezing cold November night or that Callie was probably waiting for me. I let myself wallow in my thoughts and I found that it wasn't long before I reached home anyway. I took the keys from my bag and unlocked the door, and when I did I got the fright of my life.

"Surprise!" Everyone yelled simultaneously, and I looked up. Practically everyone I knew was there, each wearing a party had or holding plates of food.

I struggled with words for a few seconds, tears threatening to overwhelm me, and when they did I was sure I looked like an idiot. I tried to say something but all that came out was a few strangled syllables. My mind jumped to Timothy and all of the times he'd surprised me on my birthdays when we were kids, and then that reminded me of how much I missed him when he was gone, and now how much I missed him when I'd never see him again.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled barely distinguishably before running back out and hurrying all the way back down the stairs. I needed to go, I needed to go see Bethany and Paul and explain to them, despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to. I needed room from all of this to clear my head and miss my brother, and I couldn't do that when people were smiling and yelling and shoving food in my face.

After briefly talking to Callie and apologising for my behaviour, I walked quickly back to the hospital and changed back into my scrubs. I walked slowly towards the peds ward, building myself up for what I was about to do. I took a deep breath and stood outside the door for a moment. I could hear Jennings with his usual ass kissing and if it was annoying me then it was bound to be annoying them, so I decided that then was a good time to make myself noticeable and entered the room.

Bethany looked up from where she was folding up Wallace's blanket, her eyes full of tears and a look of heartbreak on her face. "Arizona." She sighed when she saw me, and I looked to Jennings who did not look at all pleased to see me.

"Dr Robbins, this is a very sensitive time..." He tried to tell me but the chief cut him off. I hadn't actually noticed Webber standing there until he spoke up.

"Let her be." He said simply, and I nodded my head in thanks to him.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, let her be." Webber repeated, firmly in a stern tone that made it clear that Jennings wasn't to argue back.

With a nod from Webber I proceeded into the room, not even sure what I was going to say, or if I was even going to say anything at all. I walked over to stand opposite Bethany.

"It just doesn't feel real." She barely whispered, and I could hear the pure heartbreak in her voice. Paul stood at the back, his grief apparently beyond words or tears. He just stood there, observing the situation quietly, although I'm not sure if he was actually taking any of it in. "I mean, it just doesn't feel real." She repeated, taking a look around the room which still contained many off Wallace's possessions, as if expecting him to show up in his scrubs ready for rounds at any moment.

I then had an idea. They never got to say goodbye to him. He was taken so quickly that they couldn't even say goodbye. So why not let them?

"Bethany, would you like to see him?" I asked, praying for my voice not to crack. I'm pretty sure there was some kind of rule that families of patients weren't allowed near the morgue, but right then I didn't care.

I saw Paul move from the corner of my eye and Bethany barely moved her head to nod yes, and I turned to the chief who just nodded. Apparently he was choosing to ignore the rule too.

The walk down to the morgue was painfully slow and quiet. I could hear every footstep we took echoing off the emptier than normal hallways. I would try to talk to them, to prepare them for what they were about to see, but nothing I could say or do could prepare for this. As I opened the door to the morgue, and lead them in, I was met with a sight that I'd seen too many times in my life.

It was silent for a few moments as they took in the sight of their dead son. I looked upon Wallace's body with a feeling of failure flooding through me. I was supposed to save this boy. He had been here for seven months, and as he'd pointed out that was longer than anyone on this floor. I had promised that I would celebrate his birthday with him, and now he was lying in a morgue. I had failed him.

Bethany held her hands out over Wallace's face, her tears threatening to spill. "Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away, good dreams, good dreams, here to…" And she couldn't make it any further before she broke down in tears, Paul wrapping a protective arm around her.

"Good dreams, good dreams here to stay." I continued for her. "Bad dreams bad dreams go away, good dreams, good dreams, here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away, good dreams, good dreams, here to stay." I finished before looking up at them. "You have to say it three times"

"For it to work." Paul chimed in, looking deep in thought. "She is the reason," He said, turning to face Jennings and Webber. "That we will still be giving Seattle Grace Mercy West twenty five million dollars." He announced, surprising me. I hadn't even given the money a thought. "Not because of you or your ass kissing. Because of her." He finished, gesturing to me. Bethany let out a sob and nodded at me, and I was completely speechless. Their son had just died while _I_ was operating and they still wanted to donate twenty five million dollars because of _me?_

And with that, Bethany completely broke down and Paul joined her, so I looked towards Webber and Jennings, indicating that we should leave to give them some time alone.

A few hours later I finally found myself sauntering back home, although as I thought of Callie and how I'd left her I walked quicker, eager to apologise and be in her arms again.

As I entered the apartment I immediately quietened down when the whole place was silent. All over the place were empty plates and cups, occasional bits of confetti and someone else's jacket was lying on the couch. They'd obviously gone ahead with the party.

That was when I noticed Callie, lying there asleep on the couch, a look of pure peacefulness on her face. She had obviously been waiting up for me to get back, and I felt guilty as it was nearly eleven. I also couldn't help but notice the extremely sexy lingerie that she wore, and I smiled to myself.

"Hmm?" She said as she began to wake and sighed as she saw me standing there. "I'm awake! I-I'm see? I'm totally awake!" She rambled as she sat up and lifted up a plate and a hat, jamming it on her head. "There's hat, and gifts, and donuts!" She exclaimed enthusiastically.

And as she was rambling away, that's when it hit me.

This woman, this crazy, strong, funny, caring, beautiful woman was the woman that I loved. I loved her.

"… and lingerie." She smiled seductively, gesturing down to what she was wearing. I laughed and raised my eyebrows as she tried to blow the noise maker to no avail, getting frustrated. I decided to end it.

"I love you." I said, what must have been suddenly for her. There, I said it. All she had to do now was follow the script.

"You do?" She said as she stopped what she was doing and her eyes widened, as if it was a complete shock to her.

"I do."

It was silent for a few seconds before finally, "I love you too."


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay guys, bit of a time skip! Or episode skip… I don't know… Enjoy!**

So you know that saying, 'too good to be true'? I never actually experienced that until now.

From that day I'd met (or cornered) Calliope in that dirty bar bathroom, it was clear that we were perfect for each other. Not in the way that we were exactly the same person, but that it seemed like that. I felt so happy with her, so whole and content. Christmas had been the best Christmas I'd ever had, spending it with her, and falling asleep in her arms every night was something I could do every single day for the rest of my life. Ever since the night that I'd first said 'I love you' I'd known that she was the person I wanted to spend my whole life with.

Until she mentioned kids.

Ever since I was a little girl, while other kids were pretending to be mommies or stuff like that, I was always fixing my dolls and making them bandages from wet paper towels. Having children was a big sacrifice for every aspect in my life and it never really appealed to me. I never saw myself as a mom, and I'd always thought there was something wrong with me. However as I grew up I realised that there was nothing wrong with me and that some people didn't want kids and that was perfectly normal. It didn't make me cold hearted or uncaring, just normal.

And working in peds had only justified my reasons. Every single day I saw dying and sick children, whose parents were beside themselves with grief or who stayed day in and day out by their kid's side, who never gave up hope even when it was gone. More than a handful of times I'd had to break the news to them that their child didn't make it and the look on their faces and the heartbreak… I couldn't do that. I couldn't live in fear that that might happen to my own child.

I couldn't do this to Callie. She was too maternal not to be a mother and I couldn't be the one to keep her from having a baby. She'd tried to change… Tried to convince herself that she didn't want a baby and that having a baby would be horrible but it was completely unconvincing. And I couldn't change myself. I'd freaking jumped at the chance to go to Fiji, where we couldn't go if we had a baby, and booking flights was what I was doing when she came in and started this conversation again.

She cut me off mid rant about Fiji by holding up her hand, which had numbers written all over it. "What's that?" I asked.

"It's this cute girl's number. And I can't get it off." She sighed, only looking half guilty. I felt my face drop. "I'm not gonna use it. I don't wanna use it. B-but I _can't_ stop wondering if maybe she wants a baby one day." And there it was. No matter how much she tried to convince herself, I could see it coming. She wanted a baby. I sighed and looked down. What was I supposed to do? Lie? I couldn't change who I was. But I didn't want to lose her.

"I love you." She said, looking me in the eye, her voice breaking. I could feel the tears in my own eyes threatening to spill over. "Everything about you… But there's this one thing that I need… And I can't change it and I can't ask you to change- I don't _want_ you to change-"

I cut her off. "I can't be the one who keeps you from having a baby." I said simply, whether to her or myself I wasn't sure. No matter how much I loved her and never wanted to lose her, this one thing was clear. I couldn't be the one to keep her from having a baby. "I love you too…. And we can keep going…" I said, trying to convince myself also.

"But I don't know where we're going."

And that was what did it for me. Calliope was right. Where were we going? Was this it? Were we just going to keep going and ignore this issue until it became relevant and let it destroy us? Would we live always knowing that neither of us agreed? I couldn't do that. Calliope couldn't do that. We couldn't do that.

"Come here." I sighed, setting my laptop aside. Once she sat down beside me I kissed her with everything I had. All of the love. All of the pain. All of the passion. Everything. She kissed me back just as passionately and I could feel the tears on both of our faces.

"What are we gonna do?" She cried once it was over, and voicing what had been going through my head for the last few weeks. During all of this chaos with Mark and Sloan and Sloan's baby and Lexie, during work and surgery, during free time, while I tried to sleep, while I walked down the corridors… What were we gonna do?

As much as I hated it, I knew the answer.

"Well, I'm gonna get my stuff together…" I started, and we pulled each other into a hug. I breathed in for the last time her sweet scent of coconut and coffee beans, memorising the smell and holding her close to me.

"I know, we'll just…" She trailed off, clearly not having an answer either.

"We'll see each other at work." I assured us, thinking of the kids that broke bones and how I would see her then. How was I supposed to do that every day? To see her face, to work with her closely but to never be with her, to know what could've been if I could only change who I was…

"I'm so sorry." She cried. "I love you."

"Me too, me too." I cried back, and I was. I was sorry that I don't want kids and I was sorry I couldn't give her what she wanted.

We stayed in this tight embrace for a long time, neither of us willing to break it. It was only when Cristina came barging in did we break apart, both of us drying our eyes.

"Oh, sorry…" She mumbled, and then got a closer look at our faces. "Oh." She repeated more seriously.

"It's fine, it's fine..." I mumbled, standing up and rushing around to collect all of my things that were at Callie's. Toothbrushes, clothes, shoes, makeup, shampoo and conditioner, phone and phone charger, everything. I couldn't have done this at a different time because if I came back here then I wouldn't be able to leave.

Once I had everything in a box and was ready to leave, I looked around at Calliope, giving her one last look. I memorised what she was wearing, a red top and a black leather jacket and black skinny jeans and converse. I memorised her hair, how it was up tightly and out of her face how she liked it. I liked it down so I could play with it. I gave her one last look and tried to put as many words into it as I could. 'I love you', 'I'm sorry', were only some of them.

The walk back to my apartment was quick. I would have driven but my car was at the hospital where I'd left it when I headed to Callie's after the work. In all fairness, I could've went to get it as the hospital was just across the street, but I really just wanted to get home.

Once I got home I dumped the box on the floor and headed straight to my room, not even bothering to undress before getting into bed. Through the night my pillow was stained with mascara as I cried myself to sleep. I felt horrible.

As I lay in my bed I recounted the events of the last two weeks. We had been so happy… Callie had finally mastered the cartilage thing and people were actually coming to us for relationship advice. That was only two weeks ago. Just two weeks ago everything had been perfect and now… It just didn't feel real.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 **Pfft, no, I didn't get emotional re-watching this scene. At all.**

 **Feel free to leave reviews, or constructive criticism!**

 **Happy Existing!**


	12. Chapter 12

Being Arizona chapter twelve

 **Hey guys! I loved writing this chapter. The shooting episodes are my favourite ones.**

 **I also have a lockdown story. A few weeks ago the end of lunch bell rang really early and all the teachers told us to go straight to our next class, and to stay inside and no dare to go outside. When we got to our classes we weren't allowed to leave or go out into the corridors and we had to get escorted by staff to our next classes. They let us go eventually, but I still to this day have no idea what happened.**

 **Anyway, not relevant. Enjoy!**

This could not be happening. Not now. Not today. Not ever. I stared down at my pager in fear and annoyance and anger and confusion. Lockdown, apparently.

"Okay, it's no joke." I corrected my earlier statement that it was indeed a joke. I sighed, looked over at Callie briefly before putting on my head of department head and gathering everyone in. "We're sealing the floor. I don't know why and it doesn't matter why, but nobody goes in or out past the double doors. You go check on your own patients and then come back and check if there are any others in the que. We don't have a lot of hands on deck." I took a breath. That was the biggest issue here. "And people- do **not** alarm the maker of the tiny humans. They will eat you alive."

And with that I finished being all bossy and took a deep breath. I could do this. Even if Callie was ignoring me and all I wanted to do was kiss her all the time, I could do this.

"I really thought that was a joke." I sighed after every one had dispersed to go and do as they had been told. I didn't see how we would be able to keep it quiet from the parents for long, but I didn't want to tell them. They were already worried enough about their children needing surgery that they didn't need any more stress. Then again, neither did I or any of the rest of the staff, but we didn't have a choice because it was our job. I sighed and picked up the phone to see if I could figure out what was going on.

"Sick joke." Calliope muttered from where she was sulking on the opposite side of the nurse's station.

"Excuse me?" I said, although I heard exactly what she said. Was she not professional enough to be able to be stuck on the same floor as me? Was it that horrible?

"Uh, nothing."

"What, you can't be stuck on the same floor as me? That's a hardship for you?" I half snapped. If this was how she was going to act then it was just plain childish.

"Uh, yes, frankly, it is." She replied in the exact same tone before closing the chart and walking off. I scoffed in annoyance as I watched her go, wanting nothing more than to follow her. But I couldn't, this was a crisis here. A pretty bad one too, as I found out what was going on.

"This is Arizona Robbins, head of peds surgery, what's going on?" I asked the person at the other end of the line, who I believed to be the hospital's designated police officer. In the background I could hear sirens and yelling, and I can say safely that that did not ease my worrying.

"Is everyone safe up there?" He replied, avoiding my question.

"Well I don't know, because I have no idea what's going on. Can you help me out with that?" I snapped. Today was not a day that I was being polite. I had to run an entire department with limited staff and supplies and forty two kids who needed their help and Calliope had turned on me so I wasn't having the best day.

"There appears to be a shooter in the hospital, Dr Robbins." He replied in a flat tone, and I felt my heart sink. What would a shooter want with a hospital? Why was he here? Where was he? Did they know who he was? These were only some of the questions that I began to rattle off at him.

"Look, ma'am, we don't know much. After the initial report of a shooting we automatically instructed lockdown, and we've had two more reports. We don't know who or where the shooter is, we don't know what he wants, but we know that you have to stay in your department. Stay there, and don't move." And then the line cut off. Whether he'd hung up or the connection got lost I didn't know, but I could feel myself starting to panic.

"You cannot panic." I told myself firmly. "You will not panic." And with that I took a deep breath and began to attend to patients.

It was complete and utter chaos. There were hardly any doctors, hardly and nurses and tons of patients. We simply didn't have enough hands to care for them all and the parents were going mad. Apparently word had gotten out about the lockdown thing and I was being bombarded with questions.

"What's going on?"

"Why are we on lockdown?"

"What do we do?"

There was no way I was going to tell them about the shooter part. No way on hell. They were panicking at the lockdown so there was no way I was adding to that. Maybe they had a right to know, maybe they didn't. But I wasn't telling them.

"Yes, we're on lockdown. We don't know why, but we can't leave and nobody can come here. I'm asking you all to please remain calm until we have a reason to panic; we're doing as much as we can with what little we have. Thank you." Was pretty much what I told every group of parents who approached me. I guess I saw this coming since I was head of department.

I sighed as I ran about collecting supplies for 7 year old Jenna who needed her feeding tube changed. People were looking for charts, kids whose parents weren't here wanted their mommies, some of them in pain and most of them needed surgery.

"We have, what, 42 kids? 4 doctors, 9 nurses?" I thought out loud. "That's not enough." I stated the obvious as I continued to rush around collecting supplies.

"Okay, why don't you put all the kids in the playroom?" Callie suggested much to my surprise. My head snapped around to look at her. "I mean, we don't have enough staff for one floor, so at least they'll all be in one place, one big room, we can keep an eye on all of the kids at once."

Huh. That was actually a good idea. Go Callie. "You can't just put a bunch of sick kids in the playroom with their beds an everything-" That intern, or resident, I don't even know but he annoyed me started to say.

"Uh, shh!" I cut him off. "Sure we can! Stable ones can walk, and we have wheelchairs, so let's do it! Move." I instructed before turning to Calliope.

"Whatever." She muttered in the same childish attitude as before. I mean, I know we agreed to be friends whatever but she had a right not to talk to me, but thus? This was silly.

I sighed as I watched her go yet again, before shaking my head and going to retrieve wheelchairs. Parents obviously had a lot of questions and I answered them all, and most of the kids thought that it was some fun adventure. Thank God Calliope had that brilliant idea, or I don't even know what we would've done. It was hectic.

I made a mental note in my head to pull Callie aside and talk to her about this, because more than anything I wanted to know what was going on. However when I did finally talk to her she told me that she had tried being nice, and now she was 'going on the more traditional route' of completely hating my guts. Nice.

"Woah, woah!" I confronted her after I dropped another kid off in the playroom. I wasn't going to let her treat me like this. "I don't deserve this! I have treated you with nothing but respect and love-"

"See, you think you have but you haven't!" She cut me off. What was that supposed to mean?

"I'm sure it feels great to act like I'm the bad guy but that's the biggest load of you-know-what I've ever heard." I said plainly. I hadn't done _anything_ wrong here! So I didn't want kids, how's that my fault? What was even so bad about that?

"I have spent the last month trying to convince myself that I don't need kids to be happy. Really trying. Giving lecture to myself, saying it out loud to you and to Mark and turning myself _inside out_ to want what you want, and then I actually stopped for a second and thought, did you ever try?" Oh. That's what this was about. That I wasn't willing to change who I was and she was? Again, how was that my fault? What a bitch I was.

"To imagine what it would be like to change for me because I don't think you did! What you did, was you dismissed my ream. My _dream_ , which says to me that you don't give a rat's ass if I'm happy. You know I never understood squad about you, and now I do I don't like it." She said before moving off. That hurt.

Did she not know about Emily? Who tried to bend who I was, who hurt me multiple times trying to force me to want kids? That's why she wasn't the one. Did she not know about the times where I'd had to use makeup to cover bruises left over after our fights? No, she didn't. But I wasn't going to tell her, because she wasn't Emily. She was kind and caring a loving and gentle, but not now.

"Oh really?" I raised my voice slightly, but not enough that it would draw attention. "Really? _Really?_ I'm supposed to change for you? Why? Cause we're in love? Because you fall in love all the time, men, women-" Just as I was about to voice one of my biggest fears, we were interrupted by nurse Graciella, who was wheeling Ruby towards us. She looked like she was in a lot of pain.

"I don't feel good..." Ruby groaned, clutching her stomach tightly. Of course she didn't. Appendicitis was extremely [painful. I would know. I had my appendix removed when I was thirteen.

"Go get a portable ultrasound." I instructed Graciella, who nodded and ran off. I checked Ruby's vitals and they were plummeting, ad quickly. I quickly scoured my brain for ways to take the pain way with what little we had. At least if she wasn't in so much pain it would be better for her.

"I want my mommy…" She cried.

"I know, but have you ever played the game red light green light?" I asked her and she nodded. "Well, right now the light's at red. Once it's green again she'll come back up." She nodded.

I checked her blood pressure again and shook my head. This was not good. "Blood pressure's 190 over 60 and dropping- let's hang some more fluids."

"I have the portable ultrasound!" Graciella announced as she came running around the corner holding the ultrasound.

"Alright, check her appendix and I will be right back!" I said as I ran off, Callie on my heels.

"When are you gonna forgive me for not being a good enough lesbian for you?" She demanded as I began to rummage through the supplies. I sighed

"When you do something to convince me that you're falling in love with me and not with being in love. When you do something to convince me that I'm different that George O'Malley, Erica Hahn, Mark Sloan. Or the girl at the coffee cart!" Mark was the one who I worried about the most. They were best friends, and they had a hell of a history. "You have a big heart, and I love that about you, but I don't trust you. Why would I?"

She was silent. Apparently she had no reply for that one.

Graciella came running around the corner. "Doctor Robbins! Her appendix…" She mimed a bursting motion with her hands, mouthing the word 'pow, obviously not wanting to alarm Ruby. I ran past Callie and went straight to Ruby.

"We need to get her into a room, just not out into the hallway. People are gonna start wondering what's going on." I said, clicking the breaks off of the gurney and pushing the bed into the nearest room, hoping and praying that there was some form of pain relief there that I could give her. I felt a small wash of relief when I saw a needle kit, because that means I could inject some anaesthetic into her spin. It would hurt for her, and it wasn't the most ideal procedure for a child, but it was all we had.

"Okay, we're gonna inject the anaesthetic into her spine. It'll hurt her but we have no choice." I told Callie and Graciella, who both nodded. "Graciella, I need you to go and get me some cooling blankets, if they have any, because she'll get warm." Graciella nodded and took off while Callie and I got started. It didn't take us long to prep her, which we did in silence, and soon enough it was time to begin.

"Okay, Ruby, this is gonna hurt, but only for a little while, and no squirming." I warned her as calmly as I could while I pushed the needle down.

"It hurt!" She cried, squirming anyway as I tried as best as I could to keep my hand steady while she moved.

"Alright, squeeze my hand! Tight tight tight!" Callie exclaimed. "Wow, you're strong."

"Okay, got it." I sighed in relief; at least this part was over. I smiled at Callie. She really was amazing. However the smile was wiped straight off my face when her whole face went blank and she stared blankly over my shoulder. Although I had a funny feeling what, or who, she was staring at, I couldn't help but look around.

He was standing there- right outside the door. His face screwed up in a mixture of pain and frustration. Blood soaked through his big tan jacket and his grey shirt and it was clear he'd been shot. My eyes naturally dropped straight to his right hand and my heart sunk when I saw the dark metal gun resting in his palm, his finger barely hovering over the trigger.

"There are only children here." I said as calmly as I could, trying to keep my voice from shaking at all. I then turned around and shielded Ruby with my body. She was only a child; she was not going to get hurt. There were only children here. Only children. I repeated that to myself as I closed my eyes and prayed for him to leave, feeling the tears build up and spill over. Ruby seemed to have sensed the tense atmosphere build up immediately and had fallen as quiet as she could while in this much pain.

"They shot me." He gasped out, and I saw Callie stir out of the corner of my eye. I kept repeating the words 'there are only children here' in an almost silent plea. My heart nearly stopped when Callie stood up and walked over, but there was nothing I could do. If I did, he would shoot.

"Mr, um…?"

"Clark. Gary Clark."

I wanted to stop her as began to walk closer to him. I needed her to stay away, to stay alive, and not get shot. I loved her.

"Mr Clark. Uh, here are some… bandages…" Callie said from behind me. I hated that I couldn't see what was going on but I didn't' dare move. "Press them to the wound, it'll stop the bleeding." She said, her voice shaking slightly.

"I want my mommy…" Ruby repeated and I gripped her tighter.

"Okay? Just take them." She repeated, and out of the corner of my eye I could see her hand the bandages to him. I closed my eyes and kept pleading silently that he would leave. "Take them and go." This time, her voice was much steadier.

It was silent for a second, and relief flooded over me when he next spoke. "Thank you." He said shakily, and I heard his footsteps fading off before Callie slammed the door shut. I relaxed my hold on Ruby and let the tears fall, but didn't waste any time in getting back into action. I would have to sedate Ruby as she was in so much pain.

The rest was a blur. Callie told me she was phoning the police and I very nearly kissed her when she put her hand on my cheek. All I could think was about how much I loved her.

And then it clicked.

As I thought into the future, I saw Callie standing next to me in a white dress in front of all of our friends and family. Then, to my surprise, I saw us running around the backyard of a big house while a mini Calliope followed us around, and for the first time in my life, I smiled at the thought of it.

So we' have kids. I could do that. If it meant I could be with Callie, then I could do that. Only with Callie. I still didn't know what kind of a mother I would be, but now I was willing to try it. With Callie, I was willing to try it ten times over, because she was my future.

It was one of the biggest reliefs that I had ever experienced when uniform clad SWAT team members came barging into the room, ordering us to evacuate immediately. Callie and I secured Ruby into the gurney before pushing her out of the room and all the way outside, where her parents were by our side straight away thanking us for keeping her alive.

I smiled as we loaded Ruby into the ambulance, glad that she was finally going to Seattle Pres. to get the surgery she needed. Callie turned round to me and I was just about to say something when I realised that she probably didn't want to talk to me.

"I'm gonna go see if kids need help finding their parents." I told her. Everything must have been chaotic with people finding their family members, so I was bound to be able to help.

Just as I was turning away Callie stopped me by speaking. I my head snapped around and I stopped walking immediately.

"People died. People are dead. I don't wanna have kids if it means I can't be with you…" She trailed off.

I decided to say it. To jump of that hypothetical cliff or whatever. "No… No. We'll have kids. We'll have all kinds of kids… And I always thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom, but you? You'll me a great mom, and I can't live without you and our ten kids…"

And she kissed me. She ran forward, cupped my face and kissed me, and I kissed her back with everything I had. It wasn't until we needed air that we pulled back.

"And we have to get chickens too." I told her through my happy tears. The happiness that I felt right then was indescribable.

She smiled wide and laughed, wrapping her arms around me. "Of course we can get chickens."


	13. Chapter 13

Being Arizona chapter thirteen

"So you're not just saying this? You mean it?"

Callie and I sat across from each other in an empty conference room. It was about a month after the shooting, and I had been surprised at how quickly the hospital reopened, only about a week after that day. Logically, I knew that there were only some bullet holes to cover and blood to wipe off the floors, but emotionally I knew nobody would ever get over this. I'd talked to everyone else who was there that day and I could see in their eyes that emotionally, none of the doctors would be okay for a long time. If they were anything like Callie and I, anyway. We still woke each other up with nightmares, even though we'd both spoken to the trauma counsellor and had been cleared for everything.

I sighed and looked her in the eyes, taking her hands in mine and squeezing them tightly. I took a deep breath. "Having kids was not my dream. But you were. And as I saw you stand up to Gary Clark and the thought that I could watch you die right then and there, I saw it. I saw us standing up in front of all our friends and families dressed in white, saying 'I do'. I saw us running around the backyard of a big house with a mini Calliope running after us. I'm not lying. I'm not just saying it." I concluded. Callie had many insecurities about this matter, even if we had moved in together (eventually) and I couldn't blame her. Even I was still trying to understand how my dreams had changed so rapidly in such short time.

"Okay. I trust you."

"You trust me?"

"I do."

Today marked a month since the hospital reopened. Back at the hospital and many of the patients were desperate for details. It had been all over the news and the internet- I'd given many interviews myself for different news reporters who were lingering around the parking lot on day it happened, but they were desperate for details that couldn't be given by edited news reports- what was it like? How did you feel? What did you say? Were you scared?

I wasn't sure how to answer these. I couldn't deny their questions. Most of the younger kids were completely clueless, so it was kids from about 12 and up who were asking these questions, so I told them as vaguely as I could. It was horrible. I was terrified. I told him that there were only children here. And yes, I was very scared.

"Robbins, can I talk to you?" Richard asked as I walked out of the room of nine year old Micah Jenson's room. I nodded and he pulled me to the side, handing me a stack of forms.

"What's this, sir?" I asked, looking through the papers and sighing when I saw boxes to tick and places to fill out. It would take me ages.

"There's a film team who want to make a documentary about the shooting. It should be filmed in about a month and aired in six." He began and I raised my eyebrows. "It only happens though if everyone is one hundred percent okay with it though. So are you?"

"What'll they be filming?" I asked.

"Everything. There'll be interviews about that day, following your life after it, how you've recovered and how you look back on it now. How it changed you."

"Was that what they told you?"

He nodded, looking half guilty. "Word for word, actually."

I laughed, looking down at the papers. A documentary was definitely longer than a news interview, but it should be okay. "Okay, well okay. Yeah. I need to sign these, right?"

"You do."

"I'll have them in as soon as possible then sir." I said the walked off, heading off to find Teddy. I would have found Callie but she was in surgery for a hip replacement. And I'd dubbed Teddy as my friend before she had time to say no and I found her becoming my best friend. We were very similar.

"Hey, you get them too?" I asked her when I found her near the nurse's station. As of lately I'd heard her talking about the trauma counsellor Andrew Perkins and apparently there was **stuff** going on with them.

"Yeah. A documentary, pretty cool."

"Yeah, it's a first."

"I've only ever done an interview before and I'm not even sure if they aired it, before this." She revealed. "When I came back to the states so did a whole bunch of others so there was quite a scene at the airport, but that's about the only thing I've ever done."

"Yeah." I nodded. "It is pretty weird just turning on the news to see the hospital on it, to see us on it."

She nodded. "Yeah, well I can't talk for long, I have a valve replacement. Without Yang." She sighed. Although there had been issues between her, Cristina and Owen, nobody could deny that Cristina Yang was an outstanding surgeon. I mean I'd only worked with her once where she had lied to me, but that didn't take away the fact that she was a brilliant doctor. It was strange to think of her as not a surgeon, especially when we'd been at her wedding to Owen just a few weeks ago.

"She quit her job. She served us at Joe's last night."

I gasped. "You're kidding me?!"

"I'm not." She said seriously. "I have to go. Valve replacement. Without Yang." She repeated before walking off. I sighed as I watched her go.

I found myself more often than not just being amazed over how much everything had changed since the shooting, and in such short time. Yang got married, had a breakdown in the OR and quit her job. Derek, Alex and Owen had recovered and were back at work; Lexie Grey got admitted to a freaking psychiatric facility and according to Callie Mark still had feelings for her. And now Teddy was seeing this new guy and I'd moved in with Callie. Everything was so different now.

"You have literally no idea how happy I am to see you." Callie said when I got home that night, dumping my keys and my bag unceremoniously on the couch, melting into her welcoming arms which she held out for me. I loved being able to come home here, going to sleep in her arms every night and wake up that way in the morning. I could never make it through the craziness of day to day life without her, and I don't know how I even considered it.

"Cristina quit her job."

"And we rushed her to move out."

"But she got that place with Owen."

"But still."

I turned round to look at her. "Stop worrying, Calliope. She'll be back. She's Cristina Yang. And Mark will figure it out with Lexie and Teddy and Andrew will work out and Derek will stop getting arrested and Alex will ride elevators again. It'll be fine."

She smiled down at me. "I love you."

"I love you too."

 **Hey guys, I know it's short! But the next chapter covers a lot and I promise it'll be long. Happy existing!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys, I'm really sorry it took so long for this to be updated! I actually wrote this while watching Grey's…**

"Can you tell us more about what happened?"

So it turned out this documentary crew were rather quite annoying. I mean, I get that they just wanted information but they were constantly filming and trying to get in our faces. I'd just found out that Lily's tumour would kill her whether we operated or not and I did not want to be filmed right now.

"We were treating a patient whose appendix had burst when he came in. I told him that there were only children there. Callie stood up and gave him bandages because he'd already been shot. He said thank you and then left and we slammed the door behind him." I said quickly, turning back to my chart.

"And how did you feel during all of this?"

I was quiet for a second. "Terrified. Callie Torres is the love of my life." And that was all I said before I walked off. I still had mixed feelings about this whole thing. Sometimes it seemed like a good idea, but other times it was just people crowding you and bugging you for information.

When I reached my office I decided to look over Lily's charts to see if there was anything I could possibly do, but I kept coming up blank. I was at it for an hour before I opened my e-mail to check it, and gasping when I saw the first in my inbox.

 _Miss Arizona Danielle Robbins,_

 _We are delighted to inform you that we have reviewed your application thoroughly and have come to the conclusion that yourself will be the winner of the prestigious Carter Maddison grant._

 _This is a three year placement in the villages of Malawi, as you know, and you will be given unlimited supplies and budget._

 _Please make sure to confirm this e-mail as soon as possible and await further details._

 _Yours Sincerely,_

 _Pamela Sturgeon_

 _The Carter Madison Foundation._

I sat there in disbelief for a few seconds, rereading and rereading the e-mail over and over.

I actually won!

This was crazy. Hardly anyone ever one that award and I'd applied for it knowing in the first place that there was a very small chance of me winning it, considering only the great people won that.

But the biggest thing going through my mind was: _I can make a difference._ These sick children in Africa didn't have much hope left for them and by going there, I could help them. I could change the fact that vaccinations didn't exist for paediatric patients. I could change that.

"Calliopeeeeeeeeeeee!" I sang as I skipped to her office like a five year old running to the ice cream van, waving a freshly printed copy of the e-mail in my hand as I did so. I found her sitting at her desk pouring over the files for the rare arm transplant she was doing tomorrow. Looks like both of us were rock stars!

"Arizooonaaaa!" She replied in the same sing-song tone, spinning her chair around to face me.

"So you know that super cool award, the Carter Madison?" I asked casually, leaning against the desk and running my finger of the photo of her and I that sat on her desk. It was taken at Joe's one night by Teddy while Callie and I danced- we looked so happy.

"I know it." She replied. "And that's relevant because…?" She asked, walking over to me and wrapping her arms around my waist from behind.

"Look!" I exclaimed, handing her the letter. She read through it and as she did her face broke into a big cheesy grin.

"We are delighted to inform you that we have reviewed your application thoroughly and… Oh my God, you won!" She exclaimed, jumping up to hug me tightly, also kissing my passionately. She pulled back and continued to read it, but my heart sunk when her face dropped.

"So you have to move to Africa?" She said, not nearly as enthusiastically as she had been before, and I could tell why. For me to move continent especially at a time like this, when this entire trauma was still fresh, was unprecedented- but what was I supposed to do, turn down the Carter Madison grant?

"Well-yeah." I said awkwardly, not what sure what to say.

"Did you not think of what that would mean for us?" She said, setting the letter down on the table in such a manner that I could clearly tell that she was pissed, which was not a good thing. Callie was a relatively calm person, but if she got pissed of then she wasn't getting over it any time soon.

"Of course I did!" I exclaimed, stepping closer to her. "I can't just turn this down, Calliope."

She was silent for a moment. "No, of course you can't." She muttered before walking out and leaving me standing. I sighed as I picked up the letter, my hands shaking slightly, and reread it, and even given everything that had just happened, I smiled slightly.

"Wow, this is a big thing." Teddy said after letting out a low whistle just after I told her. Her, Callie and I were standing at the coffee cart with the team filming us. Callie hadn't said anything more about the Africa thing, but was putting on a smile and being quite forcefully happy about it, so I guessed she was just trying to cope with it.

The rest of my day went pretty slowly, most of my time spent trying to find a cure for Lilly. This tumour on her trachea was blocking her airway, but if we took it out it would involve removing a large portion of her trachea which we obviously couldn't do.

"Hey." Callie said tiredly as she walked into the room where I was pouring over Lilly's scans and labs and multiple textbooks trying to find a way. She set her coffee down on the table but didn't sit down. "So, did you email the foundation back?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I replied, looking up at her to see that she looked shocked. She did, but I wasn't sure why. I told her I wasn't turning it down, even if I was confused about what it would mean for us. It was a major advancement in my career.

"So you're leaving? Just going to pack up everything and go? Now?" She said, obviously getting straight to the point. I sighed, not sure how to reply to that.

"Not 'just leaving', Calliope." I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "You think I haven't thought about this? You don't think I hate the thought of moving thousands of miles away from you?" I demanded.

"Yeah, it certainly seems that way!" She pretty much shouted back. That hurt. Did she really think that I just wanted to pack up and leave her?

"It isn't Callie!" I said exasperatedly, slamming my hands against the desk. "You know, you're the one who's just throwing your hands up, so maybe you're the one just giving up or-"

"It's not me who's moving to Africa!" She yelled, and I could feel the tears building up in my eyes and threatening to spill over. So that was the attitude she was going to have? She was going to make me out to be the bad person, that I was just ditching her and leaving? Was she going to make me look like that again?

"Moving to Africa, so that I can advance my career and perform surgeries I could never imagine! To help cure dying children who have no hope otherwise!"

"You're a brilliant surgeon, Arizona! That's what you do every day!" She yelled, and I took a deep breath to calm down. I wasn't changing my mind. I was going; all she had to do was decide how she was going to be about it.

"I just appreciate it if you could at least be happy-"

"I thought that were happy!" She exclaimed, and before I got the chance to argue back we were interrupted by Karev, who was followed by the entire camera crew. Callie said something that I didn't quite catch before storming out. I sighed, shaking my head to get rid of this before turning to Karev.

"You have Lilly's charts?" I asked, him taking them from him.

Hour later I was scrubbing into Lilly's surgery, having finally found a way to help her. If we put in a temporary stent to help her breathe, we could take a part of her rib to harvest the cartilage from them so that we could grow a new trachea from a mixture of her own cells, so that we could remove the mass and her current trachea, give her the new one and never have to operate again. Pretty cool, right?

"Just to warn you, Webber's in a really weird mood." Alex warned me as we scrubbed in, glancing to Webber who was already in the OR. With the entire film crew.

"Yeah, I spoke to him earlier. He's acting very… Optimistic." I smiled, causing us both to laugh. More than twice had I heard Webber going on about the 'prosperity' and the 'greatness' of the hospital and its doctors.

After a long day, a successful surgery, a million and one questions from a documentary team (who were gone for another month now) and people asking me about the grant all day, I finally arrived home, dumping my coat and bag unceremoniously on the couch before looking around to find Callie sitting at the island in the kitchen. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but at least we both came home. That was good sign.

"Hey." I greeted her.

"Hey." She replied vaguely, clearly immersed in what she was doing.

"Watcha doing?" I asked which made her look up. I was confused to see that she looked nervous and she swallowed before speaking.

"Well, I was, uh, trying to book vaccinations for us." She revealed. "I just figured that if we're going to Africa to help people then it would be kinda inconvenient for us to catch deadly diseases."

"Wait a minute. We? Us?"

"Well, yeah." She smiled shyly. "I know you don't believe in long distance relationships, and either do I. So why do it? I could get a job at the Malawi clinic. We could be really happy."

I contemplated it for a minute, a smile growing on my face slowly. Callie was right. I could bet anything that the people at the clinic had a job that needed doing, and we could work together every day and actually be really happy.

"Yeah. That could happen." I smiled. There was no need for us to be thousands of miles apart. "I love you."

"I love you too."


	15. Chapter 15

Being Arizona chapter 15

 **Hey guys, I was so excited to write this chapter and I'm pretty proud of it! I realise that the actual airport scene doesn't last long, but for me that's how it was. I didn't see it coming. I was like 'woah!' and then I cried. A lot. So I hope you enjoy!**

I felt like the most horrible person in the whole entire world. I took a quick glance around the usual hustle and bustle of Sea-Tac airport, wishing very much that I could be one of those regular people, getting excited for a family holiday or trying to find the right gates so they could catch their plane. I did _not_ want to be standing in the middle of the airport with my heart threatening to burst past my ribcage. I certainly did _not_ want to be making the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.

I looked Callie straight in the eye from where I was standing just a few feet away. The decision I wanted to make was just to continue as we were, but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't make her do something that would make her unhappy, even if she was the one who suggested it. I'd very nearly done it with having kids and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it now.

But what if I stayed? Could I let myself do that, and be just as unhappy here as Callie would be going with me? I couldn't do that to myself. This was an amazing, prestigious and rare award that I couldn't just turn down. It was a major advancement in my career.

So, I was faced with the question I'd faced too many times already. _What was I supposed to do?_

"If you get on that plane, if you leave, we are done. We are over, do you hear me?" She yelled. I looked her straight in the eye again and I knew that there was only one thing that could be done. Practically, I knew that neither of us could be happy when we were apart, but there was a possibility that we could at least be happier than we would be trapped in a country we didn't want to be in.

"We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming it each other." I pointed out. I could feel the stares of the few people who had stopped to observe this situation. I had a point- if I didn't go, what would we do? Break up anyway? Live knowing that we weren't happy? "We're already over."

I took one last look at Callie and, with every fibre of my existence yelling at me to turn around and kiss her and not leave, I turned around and walked. I didn't look back. If I did, I wouldn't keep going, and I needed to keep going. For us. For me. For my career. For Callie. For the better.

I didn't say a word to anyone as I handed my boarding pass, apart from informing them that there would be a seat vacancy, and as I told them my voice very nearly broke, but I managed to control it. I kept my head bowed as I entered the plane and didn't bother touching the outside of the plane for luck, which was a childhood tradition that had stuck with me through adulthood. I quickly put my bag in the overhead carrier before taking my seat next to a middle aged woman, the seat next to me where Calliope was supposed to sit heartbreakingly empty.

' _Ladies in gentlemen, the flight will begin taxiing in approximately seven minutes. Please feel free to continue use of electrical devices until then. Thank you.'_

Upon hearing that announcement I sighed and pulled my phone from my pocket, only to find it flashing like crazy. I pressed the circular home button at the bottom and it lit up, and I saw that I had 9 missed calls and five texts from Callie and four missed calls from Mark already. Without hesitating I swiped the screen to dismiss them, because this was heard enough. I couldn't be convinced to go back. I wouldn't be. However, with dismissing the notifications came the clear view of my lock screen picture, the same one of us at Joe's that Callie had on her desk in her office. I looked intently at it and smiled before breaking down in tears.

How could I be such a horrible person? I left her. I just left her standing there in the middle of the airport with no idea of the battle that was going on inside my head or how hard it was for me to turn around and not look back. I promised her I wouldn't break her heart and I'd just done it. Again. First with the kids thing and now with this. As hard as I'd tried to do what was best for both of us, I'd failed and now I was the bad person. That's what caused my hands to shake.

Would I ever see her again? I knew this placement was only for three years, but that was a long time. She would probably move on, get a boyfriend or girlfriend and move and get married and have cute little mini Calliopes running around, and I resented the thought. I resented the thought of her with anyone else, and I resented the thought of her kids calling anyone 'momma' that wasn't me. That caused my head to start spinning.

Oh God, what if she moved on with Mark? It wouldn't surprise me. They knew each other perfectly and they were best friends, and he had a penis and he always wanted kids and he didn't have to move to Africa. That's what caused my knee to start bouncing.

But what if she never moved on? What if she just resigned herself to the thought that she'd never find happiness again? What if she became broken and wounded as she had been when I kissed her that night at Joe's? What if she moved back to Miami, away from all of her friends and her hospital family, to where she wasn't happy anyway? That caused my breathing to quicken.

"Miss? Are you okay?" I was brought back to the quiet scenery of the plane, where I was sitting with my head slumped to my chest and with quite a few people looking at me. One of the many things I hated about planes was the quiet buzzing you could always hear from the engine, and that noise right then was louder than normal to me and drilling into my eardrums. The weak morning Seattle sun from outside was painfully bright through the small windows and it burned my eyes.

I looked over to the woman next to me, who had a comforting hand placed on my arm, an expression of concern upon her face. I looked round the other people who had ever so politely stopped to look at me, and most of them looked the same. Apart from a few of them who just looked bored, and one guy who looked annoyed.

I hastily wiped my eyes and clasped my hands together to stop them from shaking. "Yeah." I said, trying desperately to keep my voice from breaking. "I'm fine." I said determinedly, to convince both myself and her, because I needed to be fine. When I arrived in Malawi there would be sick children who needed my help and I couldn't be crying when that time came.

The rest of the flight went slowly. I didn't sleep. I couldn't. The woman sitting next to me, who I later learned whose name was Audrey, was very nice and spent the flight talking about anything and everything. I learned that she was only stopping off in Malawi on her way to Australia. 'It's the longer way round, but I just thought I'd see what it was like.' She told me matter-of-factly. She had two children, Eric and Natalie, and Natalie lived in Australia with her husband Nate and their two kids Emma and Caden.

"So what brings you to Malawi?" She asked.

"I'm a doctor, a paediatric surgeon to be specific. I won an award that gives me a near limitless budget to go to Malawi and help sick children there." I revealed and she smiled.

"Well, I have my doubts about people, but you're one of the good ones. You're going to make a difference." She said seriously which triggered my first smile for hours.

"Right. A difference." I repeated vaguely, and 'a difference' soon became my inner mantra to stop myself from going crazy. I just had to think of all the kids who otherwise didn't have a chance that I would help. The difference I would make.

When I finally got off the plane in Lilongwe, the first thing I noticed was the heat. I'd been braced for the idea of no air conditioning, but I hadn't expected it to be this hot. It was the middle of January an it was freaking freezing in Seattle. The first thing I did when I stepped off of the plane was shed the hoodie and shove it into my rucksack which was slung lazily over my shoulder. As I walked towards the baggage claim I forced myself to concentrate only on what I was doing so as to avoid another public breakdown.

After I retrieved my bag over the desk (there were no carousels at this airport) I simply followed the people and signs until I walked through the international arrivals gate. The airport was pretty small so it wasn't hard to find where I was going. When I got there I looked around to find the person who, according to the person on the foundation board, Carrie, was called Imamu, and I easily found him as he was holding a sin bearing 'Arizona Robbins, welcome to Malawi!'. I smiled and waved at him, approaching him with a handshake.

"Dr Robbins." He greeted me warmly, his accent thick and his voice comfortingly deep. "I'm Imamu. I'll be guiding you, introducing you to people, basically just teaching you the ropes of our clinic."

I smiled and laughed quietly. "Great, because I have no idea what I'm doing." I said and he laughed.

"As long as you help the children, we'll do the rest." He said graciously before leading me out of the airport.

The ride from the airport to the village where the clinic took us about an hour and after a while I got used to the heat. When I was nine we'd lived in Hawaii for a few months and the heat there was pretty intense. We travelled in what closely resembled a golf cart and along the way Imamu pointed out different things to me all of the different animals and which ones were safe to approach and not, the different villages we passed by and the fruit trees. I also learned that the people in Malawi were extremely nice. Our driver, Lerato, spoke no English whatsoever but was so excited to see me and talked animatedly in rapid Swahili while I nodded politely, happy that so far I'd been accepted.

Once we reached the clinic I was welcomed warmly, presented with multiple handmade gifts from the children such as bracelets and necklaces and sunhats. I was given a bowl of what they called Sima which basically just tasted like plain porridge. I was given a backpack containing sunscreen, special sandals that would keep any unwanted bugs or insects out during the day and a mosquito net which I saw was covered in holes. I was shown where I would stay, in a little hut about five minutes from the clinic. It was fairly nice and the people I shared it with were lovely. I was with a family of three- The mother, Kunene, her husband, Sultan and their son Syo were very welcoming and didn't hesitate to show me the ways of the village, introduce me to the people, and teach me their daily routine.

It was needless to say that I was beyond exhausted when I finally lay down on the bottom bunk of the bed joined to Syo's, but no matter how much I tried I just simply couldn't fall asleep. I lay awake thinking of all the events that had flashed by. How Callie and I had gone from so happy to opposite sides of the world in just a few hours. How Teddy had told me that she'd had to remind everyone that I was leaving to, so they'd quickly written my name on the end of the 'goodbye Callie!' banner at our leaving party a few days ago. They wouldn't miss me. Would they?

I cried myself to sleep that night. I don't know if Kunene, Sultan or Syo had heard me, but if they did they didn't say anything. I missed Callie terribly. But I was the one who left. Who just left her standing in the middle of the airport, and whether it was best for both of us or not was still undetermined. But this was my decision, and I was sticking with it.


	16. Chapter 16

Being Arizona chapter sixteen

My first week in Africa was a mixture of extremely good and heartbreakingly sad. On the one hand, I was treating patients and making them better, and everybody was so nice to me and within only a week I was pretty much one of them. On the other hand, however, I couldn't stop crying. No matter what I was doing, there was always one part of my mind that kept floating back to Seattle where Callie was, and I'd remember everything I'd lost, no, given up, and it just brought me to tears. And I missed Teddy. She was my best friend, and the only real friend I really had here in Seattle. I guess I had Alex, but he was my student and he wasn't exactly someone you spill your guts to.

The people at the clinic were so nice about it. I'd explained to them time and time again that it had nothing to do with being here, it just had to do with who I'd left behind. Some of them just ignored it because they didn't know what to say, and honestly that was better, because every time someone would ask me I would have to explain as briefly as possible without crying again, which after a while became one hell of a task. It was quite a surprise to me that not many of them actually knew why I was crying, but I realised that when they'd asked me I'd probably been too brief for them to figure it out.

But I still loved Africa. The diseases were horrible and the way they had to live was wrong, but nearly every night there was a sort of party in the nearest town which was about thirty minutes away from our village. There were choirs and soloists, some of them playing instruments I'd never seen before. Their dancers were brilliant, and the kids from the school would always be eager to share what they'd learned. They could sit and talk for hours about math or science. I'd only been here a week and I'd already learned so much about their culture.

I looked down at the phone in my shaking hand, flipping it over and over in my nervousness. I was just about to click on Callie's name when the door to the hut opened and Kunene walked in with a basket full of fruits she'd picked from the nearby trees. I'd gone with her the other day and it was a lot of fun.

"You're crying again." She said in her warm voice which always made me feel more comfortable.

"No, I'm not." I lied easily since I had my back turned to her, and quickly wiped away the few tears that had escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I turned to her an gave her an only half convincing smile but quickly dropped it when she gave me that sceptical look she used on Syo when he tried to cover up for the neighbour's kid breaking her plant pot with a homemade soccer ball. It was very hard to lie when she gave you that look.

She walked over and embraced me in a warm hug. "It'll be better soon." She told me as if I was a small child and she was trying to get me to fall asleep.

The phrase 'It'll be better soon' was what kept me going for the next few weeks, but at the end of them I just kind of crumbled and couldn't take it anymore. The point where I realised this was when I didn't even make it completely out of an examination after giving a baby injections before I started crying again. I'd shared a phone call with Teddy the night before and she told me that she suspected Callie and Mark. I'd automatically changed the subject and she'd told me all about her recent, and rather huge, drama.

" _Hey, Teddy." I sighed as I picked up the phone. I was just walking out of the clinic with Imamu when she'd called._

" _I think Callie and Mark are sleeping together." She blurted instantly, making me stop dead in my tracks and completely freeze. "Oh my God I just blurted that out and I was gonna wait 'til you asked but…"_

" _What?!" I demanded in a fierce tone, already feeling my eyes burning from tears. I knew it. Callie and Mark. They were prefect for each other, like I said, because he didn't leave her at airports like the selfish bitch I was._

" _Well I'm not completely sure, but I'm pretty sure, cause I just have a feeling..." She trailed off._

" _You have a feeling." I repeated._

" _Well yeah." She said._

" _Let's just change the subject. I don't want to picture them together. How are things in Seattle?"_

" _I'm glad how asked."_

" _Oh yeah, why?"_

" _Cause I kind of maybe sort of might have married a patient." She spilled nervously._

" _What?!" I found myself demanding yet again, hardly able to believe this. When I'd left she was still sorting out her issues with getting over Owen, and now she was married?"_

" _Not like, love married. Just legally. He didn't have insurance." She revealed._

" _You married a patient for his insurance?"_

" _You kissed a girl in a dirty bar bathroom. We all have ways." She argued back, which made me smile slightly. To each her own, I guess._

" _Okay, okay." I said defensively, just as Imamu came back out of the clinic holding up a chart, signalling that we had another patient. "I have to go, tiny humans and all, but keep an eye on Callie for me?"_

" _I will." Was the last thing she said before hanging up._

After that phone call I'd barely managed to hold it together long enough to consult on an 11 year old named Nya who had was showing symptoms of Malaria. Back home, if someone contracted Malaria, it obviously wouldn't be good, but it would be treatable. But here, with limited medical supplies and the severity of the cases, a lot of the poor people didn't have the chance they would in America. So I really hoped she didn't have Malaria, because she was only eleven years old. It wasn't fair. None of the cases I ever dealt with were fair.

"Why are you so upset all the time?" Imamu's daughter Zuri asked me one day at the clinic, about a week after the phone call wit Teddy. Zuri was such a sweet little girl, but she definitely asked a lot of questions, ones that I didn't always know how to answer.

"That's Dr Robbins' personal information, Zuri. Why don't you go and visit Sefu?" Imamu said from across the room, and Zuri seemed to completely forget about the question she asked me, a bright smile filling her face as she skipped off to visit the boy who was in a bed down the hall. "You never did tell us." He said once she was gone, walking over and setting all of his paperwork down.

I hesitated for a moment. "I just… I miss my girlfriend."

"Ah, I see. She must've been very great to cause you this much heartbreak." He said sympathetically, patting my shoulder gently.

"Yeah, she was great. An amazing orthopaedic surgeon. She was kind, and selfless, and brave, a little bit crazy, mind you, but miraculous. Breathtakingly stunning." I repeated the same thing I once told Lexie Grey while watching Callie lie in a hospital bed covered in chicken pox, and even then she had been just a beautiful to me.

"You love her." He said. Imamu was good at saying the things that were on your mind without you having to even say them. He knew what to say when and sometimes nothing needed to be said at all.

"I do, I really do. But I really screwed up. I just left her…" I trailed off. This was the first time I'd told anyone in detail what had happened and who I'd left behind. They all just assumed.

He was silent for a full minute before he spoke, a look of deep consideration and seriousness on his face. "Do you want to go back? There are people here, who can take over."

What? I couldn't just leave. I made a promise. A promise to all of these sick kids that I was supposed to operate on and their parents, their families, and Teddy who was rooting for me, and my parents who were so proud of me and Tim who was always proud of me in the first place, and myself. My career. But as quickly as all of these thoughts went through my head, new ones came in. Callie. I could see her again even if she didn't speak to me for the rest of my life. I could apologise even if she wouldn't listen. I would have a chance to explain myself and maybe, just maybe, have a chance of getting us back.

I shook my head. I opened my mouth to say no.

"Yes."

So apparently crying on a plane was a new thing for me, because now whenever I was on a plane I ended up having deep meaning of life conversations with residents or crying my eyes out over all of the promises I'd failed to keep. Imamu, Pamela Sturgeon from the foundation and everybody told me they understood, but as I left all I could think about was all of the sick kids I was leaving behind.

But I had to think of Calliope. Of me. Of us. As sad as I was about giving this up, I would be damned if I was just going to leave Callie for three years in hope that she might not move on, because if I truly did believe that then I would just be kidding myself. I'd only been gone for a month and she was sleeping with Mark, so I didn't want to imagine what it would be like after three years, even if I could face going back.

I took deep breaths to calm myself as the plane came in for the final landing, for the first time in m life not concentrating on how high up we were in a piece of metal with wings. No, this time I was thinking about what was on the ground- who was on the ground. I'd exchanged a quick phone call with Teddy just before I'd left, and even though she'd been shocked she'd agreed to pick me up at the airport. I didn't know where I was going to live if Callie didn't forgive me, but that wasn't the first thing on my mind.

I could barely keep myself from running off the plane when it stopped moving, whether out of fear or excitement I wasn't sure. Every medium loud noise made me jump and was more than impatient as I waited for my luggage to appear on the carousel.

"Well you got one hell of a tan!" A familiar voice called from behind me and I swivelled round to see Teddy walked towards me, all bright smiles and hugs.

"Well hello, Mrs Burton." I joked easily, more than glad to be seeing my best friend again. She was the only one in the world who I could think of who probably wasn't judging me right now, and it felt good to just be able to talk to tease her.

"Oh, hush." She laughed, releasing me from the tight hug we'd been sharing.

"Callie doesn't know I'm coming?" I checked. I'd told her not to breathe a word to anybody, because if Callie found out then she might run before I had a chance to chase her.

"She has no idea."

Most of the car ride to Callie's apartment building was filled with talk about either Africa or Henry. We both carefully avoided the subject of anything that had happened at the airport and instead talked about good things, like about how hot Henry was. I mean, I didn't swing that way, but I could appreciate a good looking human being, and he certainly was one, judging by the pictures.

"I'll wait here, just in case." Teddy told me as I stepped out of the car, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for what I was about to do. I'd already formed a plan in my head about what I was going to do and what I was going to say to her.

I took my time, taking the stairs as I climbed the floors to the fourth floor, going over and over in my head every possible outcome. My hands were shaking and my throat went completely dry as I approached the familiar blue door of apartment 502. I brushed non-existent dust off of my clothes and ran my fingers through my hair in a hopeless attempt to tame the mess that had formed on the plane.

I took a deep breath. Raised a shaking hand to the door. Almost chickened out and ran, but forced myself to do it. I knocked the door slowly three times, and waited with bated breath for Calliope to answer.


	17. Chapter 17

Being Arizona chapter seventeen

 **Hey guys, I had a really hard time writing this chapter. I wanted to include the shooting and everything but I wanted to get to the elevator scene at the end, and get it uploaded soon, so I'm sorry if it's all a bit messy!**

 **Anyway, I had a really good week this week, and I hope you are too! If not, I hope it improves!**

 **AZsgirl- I totally agree!**

 **.3- But… Did you never watch Grey's?**

I stared once again at the blue door of apartment 502, the golden numbers nailed to the door going blurry from the tears that filled my eyes and made my vision swim in front of me. Only seconds ago had the love of my life been standing there looking as stunning as ever, listening carefully to what I was saying. Then she had given me one look over and slammed it shut in my face. I had watched close and there was nothing I could do about it but stare wordlessly at the door, as though I was waiting for her to reopen it and automatically forgive me for all I had done.

Even I knew it was a long shot.

I sighed and looked around the cold and empty hallway, setting my bag on the floor and sitting myself down beside it. I know that I probably looked drunk, or high, or just crazy, but if waiting for Callie and giving her time was what I needed to do, then I would sit out here every night, freezing my but off until she came around.

"You're back." Meredith Grey stated as I walked towards the chief's office, ready to beg and grovel and get down on my knees to get my job back if that's what it came to. So far I'd not had the warmest of welcomes by the hospital staff, but I couldn't really say that I expected anything but a cold shoulder.

"And you're judging me." I said in the exact same tone as she had as we rounded a corner and the catwalk came in to view. I'd become well aware of the fact that everyone who I'd looked at or talked to today was judging me, but there wasn't much I could do about it except suffer in silence, because it was completely my own fault after all.

"Not judging you." She smiled slightly and I stopped in my tracks. "You don't owe me an explanation. You did a bad thing, and I'm not going to be as stupid as to presume that you did it for no good reason. I'm just glad you're back so Alex can stop throwing a fit over this new guy Stark." She said before walking away leaving me speechless. Well okay.

The rest went downhill.

"I know I'm a bitch. A presumptuous, selfish, asshole!" I fumed as I sat with Teddy in her office, just having been told that I couldn't get my job back and Callie wasn't talking to me. "But can't they at least give me a chance?"

"Just give them a chance to give you a chance." Teddy told me as her pager went off. I sighed as I watched her leave, trying to think of a new plan of action. So the chief wouldn't give me my job back and everybody hated me. What could I do about that?

Teddy had been gone for all of two seconds when she came running back in, and my heart sunk as I heard her shout something about a school shooting. I had to take a deep breath to calm myself, the pain of the fresh trauma gnawing at my insides. True, the day had ended with Callie and I together, but I would never forget that moment when I thought that I'd lose her.

It didn't take long for us to get to the ER, which was absolutely flooded. The worst thing about it was that they were all young, and there were many children.

There wasn't much I could do, since I technically wasn't a doctor here. I gave advice to Karev on what to do while he came to me with many complaints about that asshole of a guy Stark, who genuinely thought that was God's freaking gift to medicine when really everybody hated him. I had to bite my tongue many times, reminding myself that when I got my job back he'd be my boss and could easily make my life a living hell.

"Are you joking me? He wants to amputate?" I exclaimed exasperatedly at Karev, who had just informed me that Stark now wanted to unnecessarily amputate a fifteen year old girl's leg. Maybe if she had been older he could take it into consideration, but this girl was 15 years old, and there was no way I'd let him do this.

Callie could save the leg- I knew she could. She was an outstanding orthopaedic surgeon and this would be an easy fix for her. I know she owed me nothing, but this wasn't about me. This was about Kelly and her leg and trying to give her as good a life as possible. It didn't take much persuading for the chief to give me privileges and once I did I ran to get scrubs, all whilst Karev was physically blocking Stark from amputating.

When I was scrubbing in I was joined by Callie who didn't say a word to me. I wanted to say something but I figured now was not the time. We successfully manage to save Kelly's leg an she would make a full recovery, and I spent the rest of the day checking over patients and pretty much begging Callie to give me a second chance.

But, as she'd pointed out, there were two of us the relationship. I'd left her, she hadn't left me, and even though I came back I still went in the first place. It wasn't just how I saw it- and I could understand.

I had made a rash decision to buy out the sub letters for Callie and I's old apartment, because although Teddy had made it clear that I always had a place on her couch, and there were plenty of on-call rooms in the hospital, I had nowhere to live and this apartment was home. I kind of knew that Callie would be pissed, because I'd be moving back in when she didn't want anything to do with me. But it wasn't as if I was forcing her to forgive me or to even talk to me. I just needed a place to live. And plus, if she as angry, then it meant that she cared, right?

The next day was far more peaceful, the whole hospital recovering, once again, from a shooting. Victims of the incident were pretty shook up but I could easily sympathise with them, and from my own experience I'd learned that it was better just to talk about something else. Experiences in which you had almost died at the hands of someone with a gun in their hand didn't exactly make for small talk.

"Henry's going into surgery." Teddy revealed as we stood by the coffee cart that morning. I had just finished telling her the story of my confrontation with Callie this morning in the hallway and had begged her to change the subject.

"Really? Why?" I asked.

"Massive tumour." She replied grimly, smiling at the worker at the cart and taking her coffee.

"Oh. Not good."

"Not good at all. Webber's so pissed at me for marrying him, but what was I supposed to do? If they'd just given them those alpha blockers and sent him on his way and he would have died." She rambled and I smiled.

"Aw, you care about him."

"Just as a patient!" She said way to quickly before walking off quickly and briskly, leaving me with a smirk on my face.

I spent the rest of the day working on a case with Mark, which was a mixture of awkward, uncomfortable and slightly helpful. When he wasn't being a complete asshole and thinking with his penis, he was actually an okay person. Well he definitely helped me get to the root of my problems, and when he did it was like a revelation. I'd spent the whole day admitting to all my flaws, thinking each of them over and trying to make myself a better person, so that Callie would take me back, but to no avail. It only made me hate myself for what I'd done more.

But, after a long, stressful ay of trying to improve a young girl's life and succeeding, he'd told me. And when he had it'd been like a revelation:

I bail. When things get hard, I bail. When things got tough at the airport I bailed. When Tim died and I couldn't deal with it I bailed. I had just ran away from everyone and everything in order to get a clean start- only except moving to Seattle had been a good call, but Africa hadn't been, and now I was paying the price. I may never get Callie back but I was going to fight like hell.

As I was heading towards the elevator, ready to go home and probably drink wine to help clear my head from the incessant buzzing, I saw the back of Callie's beautiful, dark haired head entering the elevator, and I found myself running to catch up with her. I took a deep breath as I stuck my arm between the doors to stop them, knowing that this was my last chance.

"I bail." I blurted out as soon as I got in, and I watched her roll her eyes, ready to disregard me, but I had a whole speech lined up and I wasn't giving in. "Okay? When things get hard, I walk away, and maybe it's because I grew up an army brat, we moved every eighteen months, maybe I never learned to commit,-" I took a deep breath, looking for any signs of emotion on her face but being left with nothing, so I persisted. "But I'm here now, and I'm staying. And I'm gonna fight to make sure you know that I'm committed to this thing.

"And I'm not perfect, but neither are you. And you wanna talk about faults? How about not being able to forgive?" I said as she started to turn around to face me. I locked my eyes on her to make it perfectly clear that not one thing I was saying here was dishonest, or rushed, or a lie. I was committed, I wasn't leaving. "At some point you're going to have to forgive me, and it might as well be now, because I am in love with you Calliope, and you are in love with me, and all I'm asking for is one more chance." I begged, having to push the words out because my throat had one tight.

I watched her facial expressions, but there weren't many of them. I could nearly see the cogs turning in that beautiful head of hers as I waited patiently.

"You want another chance?" She said quietly, turning fully around to face me and giving me an expectant look.

I smiled and breathed. "Yes- more than anything, I want another chance."

She looked at me for a second, casting a nervous glance at the wall and swallowing. I felt the smile dim from my face as I thought that I wasn't getting that second chance.

"Today that I found out that I'm pregnant." She said simply. I felt my heart sink then begin to beat unnaturally fast, because I knew what was coming next. "With Mark's baby. How about now?"

I dropped my head in deep contemplation, trying to get everything to stop spinning as I took in this news. I eyed the elevator door carefully as it opened, more than well aware that I could run. Just run and never come back. I glanced at Calliope, and as I looked into her eyes I realised that that wasn't an option.

I'd promised her that I was here to stay. That I was committed and that I wasn't going to bail when things got hard any more. I loved her more than anything and I promised her that I wasn't leaving.

So leaving wasn't an option.


	18. Chapter 18

Hey guys, so I got some hate for the last chapter, and I want to address it.

Did I not make it clear that this is not an AU fanfiction? This is everything that happened on the show, how when and where it happened, all from Arizona's point of view, because I feel like we never get a good look at what the character thinks through a TV show, only what they do. If you're looking for an AU fanfiction, then I suggest you read my other fics- they're all AU.

Did I clear that up? Good.

Happy Existing


	19. Chapter 19

Being Arizona chapter eighteen

 **Hey guys, so I'm sorry it's late, and on the shorter side, but it's less than a month's now until prelims and I have thirteen rehearsals for music in the space of 3 days. Plus I'm currently going through a breakup, it's my sister and best friend's birthday and it's nearly Christmas!**

 **But you'll be happy (or you might not care) to know that I'm working on something else! I'm not uploading it until I've written all of it, just to avoid late updates as much as I can.**

 **Who else is excited for Christmas?**

I stared down at the row of teeny, tiny baby onesies that were all neatly hung up in a row on the racks of the store. I sighed as I traced over the picture of the giraffe on the one in my hand. I must have looked quite strange, standing there in the middle of the aisle, completely frozen and deep in thought. But this aisle was relatively empty- so were all of the aisles. Because it was pretty much the middle of the night.

"Ma'am, can I help you?" A voice said from behind me and I wheeled around to see a relatively young boy with a friendly face and glasses standing behind me. I forced a smile and nodded my head reassuringly.

"Yeah, I'm fine… Just deciding." I said.

Deciding what to do.

Deciding what kind of person I wanted to be.

Deciding whether to stay.

"Okay. Take your time." He smiled genuinely and I smiled back before going back into my land of contemplation.

Of course I was mad at Callie, and for good reason. She slept with Mark. After all of those times I'd worried and she'd assured me that she had no feelings for him, that he was her best friend, and everything that had happened between them was history, she had slept with him. And now he was going to be the father of the child that I could or could not accept- in approximately seven months.

But then again, I'd gone to Africa. I'd just ditched Callie in the middle of the airport without looking back. Then I'd waltzed right back again expecting her to forgive me, which in retrospect I realise was a presumptuous presumption. So did I really have a right to me mad, considering what I was mad about was caused by the hurt that I'd caused her?

I snapped myself back into reality and turned my attention again into the soft white onesie with the cutest little animals on in. I pictured it for a moment, a little tiny Calliope wearing it. A little kid running around our apartment, laughing the sweet baby laugh. I saw murals on nursery walls and a house with a swing set. And most of all, I saw Callie and I.

But then I saw Mark. I liked Mark, but this was not the way I'd imagined him being in my life. I was just starting to cope with the fact that he was a big part of Callie's life and so he would be a big part of mine, but this definitely was _not_ the way I planned it. People got to know each other by going to lunch, or having conversations at work over coffee, not raising a child together.

But then the image of the tiny Calliope came back into my head and it confused me. How could I run? How could I just give up and bail, when there was a future in this? If despite all of the difficulties, we could make this work? I couldn't give up on that.

Once I got home I had planned to keep unpacking all of these boxes into my apartment that I'd got back, but the exhaustion and all of the emotions of the last day and a half suddenly caught up to me and I collapsed not even slightly gracefully onto the couch. I tilted my head back a breathed deeply, letting a few tears escape from my eyes as I let it all overcome me.

I picked up my phone that was lying on the table, turning the cool metal of the device over and over in my hands as I thought over what I could do.

I needed Timothy right now. He gave me the best advice when he was still here and that advice had helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. I felt several more tears roll down my face when I realised that that wasn't an option here, and I seemed to be left this dark, cold pool of thought until I made the decision which was completely mine.

Before I could stop myself I dialled my mom's number, seeking the warm motherly tone of her voice which was sure to calm me down.

"Mom?" I choked out when I heard the line pick up at the other end.

"Hello? Arizona? What's wrong, sweetie?" She said, concern laced through her voice and I could almost hear her frowning through the phone.

"C-Callie's pregnant." I wept. "She s-slept with M-Mark and she's p-pregnant and I-I don't know what to do."

It was silent for a moment as she thought through my words, "Oh, Arizona." She sighed sadly, her voice full of sympathy. But I didn't need her sympathy. I needed her advice.

"What do I do, mom? I love her. But I don't know what to do."

It was silent for a considerably longer time. I listened to the soft crackling of the other line and her steady breathing as she thought. I thought of all of the times we'd done this before, when my residency got hard or when I first moved here and was having trouble coping. No matter what happened I'd always phone her on a Sunday night.

"You need to be a good man in a storm."

I almost rolled my eyes for a minute, having heard this many times as I grew up, it being applied to whatever I did in my life. But I stopped as I realised what I was going to do. I was going to be a good man in a storm.

Not long after I hung up with my mom and I'd calmed down a considerable amount, I was sitting on the couch just thinking about how I was going to go about this when Callie walked in, all warm and beautiful.

"You ready to talk now?" She said carefully from behind me.

"I wanna say some really not nice things, and I want you to listen without saying that our relationship is over or walking out." I warned her, because although I was in, and I wasn't planning on leaving, and I loved her more than anything, I was still angry.

"Okay?" She said uncertainly, closing the door gently behind her and taking a step forward.

"I'm mad that you slept with someone else, and I know that we were broken up, but still, you slept with someone else. And I'm even madder that that person has a penis, and I _know_ that you're bisexual, I know that, but still-"

"Would you rather I slept with a busty redhead, because-"She started to cut over me which made me just a little bit more pissed off. Okay a lot. She wasn't even going to let me explain myself?

"You have to give me a chance to process this, okay? I'm processing." I exclaimed fiercely.

"I didn't plan this. Okay?" She said forcefully, walking over so that I could see her. "I didn't plan any of this. But there's a... Mighty Oak, or whatever, showing up in our lives in about seven months, so… Now I have to plan. And I don't know how long I can wait for you to process."

While she was speaking I realised what she was saying. I didn't plan this, but neither did she. I didn't have time to process it, and neither did she. But she didn't have a choice. She needed to plan and she needed to know if I was going to ditch her. I sighed as the cogs in my head started spinning all over the place.

"But, I… I want you in my plan. I want you to be a part of my plan." She said, looking me straight in the eye. "So are you in, or are you out?"

In that moment, I knew all of the uncertainties and issues that we would face. I could think of a hundred reasons why I should run, just get up and leave.

But I could think of a thousand reasons to stay.

"I'm in." I said and she smiled really wide. "But I'm just… I'm still so mad, and I just need a minute to process… Because I'm still so mad at you, and you need to let me..."

She nodded understandingly and stood up. "I'll be at the hospital if you need me."

The steady _swoosh-swoosh-swoosh_ of the familiar sound of an unborn babies heartbeat filled the room. I stared disbelievingly at the screen where this baby- _our_ baby- was, and I smiled.

The first day of co-parenting and adjusting to this pregnancy thing had been hectic. I'd been paged more than once because Callie was convinced she was miscarrying, and it terrified me each time. She confided in me her deepest fears that she thought I was going to run, and even though I'd reassured her time and time again that I wasn't going to bail because I loved her that she wasn't quite certain yet.

I'd even been unsure about it all myself- until now. As I studied the blurry background and the tiny white blob that represented a human life, an image which I'd constantly looked to as someone else's baby,- just a ball of dividing cells- I realised.

This wasn't just a ball of dividing cells. This wasn't just another out of focus blob on an ultrasound screen.

This was my baby. _Our_ baby.

"Oh."


	20. Chapter 20

Being Arizona chapter nineteen

 **Hello Honeybees! So I realised recently if I keep doing nearly every episode then this fic is going to be extremely long, so I've just decided to comment on the big thing, you know? You guys good with that? Let me know!**

 **Also I'm sorry this one is shorter, I wanted to give the musical episode a whole chapter.**

 **I hope you all had a very Merry and Fabulous Christmas, I know I did!**

 **Happy Existing!**

Who ever said planning baby showers, or any other kind of part for that matter, was easy? Oh, right, no one. I loved Callie and baby so much, but I swear if I had to decide between helium or regular balloons again I swear I was going to go mad. The only thing that kept me sane through this whole ordeal was Callie's radiant, glowy smile whenever she talked about baby, because it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

"I just don't see why we should have to drag a helium tank around the hospital for the sake of a few balloons!"

"Yeah, but it's just better."

"I can't even believe I'm having an argument over balloons."

"Arizona, just go with the helium."

"Fine."

I bit the side of my mouth to stop myself from saying anything else. Of course Callie sided with Mark again, because that's how it went now. And now I was in a bad mood over a baby shower and a helium tank. Great.

I loved Callie, and I loved our baby so much. And I could totally understand why Mark would want to step up to his role as the father and be a part of this three-way parenting thing- I got it. But a three-way parenting system did _not_ involve him practically being in our relationship, even when he wasn't Callie was always talking about him or texting him or not paying attention to us, and Callie siding with him over every single thing that we ever brought up. And whenever I thought about it I felt like the most selfish person on the earth because _I_ was the one that left, and _he was_ the baby's father and he was her _best friend._

I sighed yet again as I watched them move the scrap book station table in, an indication of yet another argument that I had lost. What even was a scrapbook station anyway? I decided to just take a break to calm down before I had a breakdown over a thank you card or something.

I looked around the room of happy, chattering people eating cake and gossiping about anything and everything. I glanced over at Callie and smiled when I saw her laughing with Nurse Jackie while they decorated tiny little onesies. Even after all of the stress and the arguments and the conflicting ideas with Mark, I had to admit the part had been a success. Even if I had been forced to play silly games and I didn't really care for the whole party thing, seeing Callie look so happy and so glowy and beautiful made the whole thing worth it, so much so that I nearly forgot about all of the arguments about and with Mark and the overall stress of the day. Although Callie knew that I didn't really like parties, I'm pretty sure she made me play those games for the coffee ban and the green sludge, which by the way was absolutely disgusting and would never drink even if it was the last drink on earth.

Once the shower was over and most of the people had left, excusing themselves for surgeries or children in day care, I was relieved to have it over, but we still had quite a lot of tidying to do.

"Soo, there is one more gift left to open." Callie said as she walked up to me with a smile on her face. She held up a sealed envelope and I frowned.

"Oh... I… I didn't get you anything." I said, instantly feeling bad.

"You got me a shower."

I sighed and took the envelope. I opened it carefully and smiled when I saw the logo for Ramsey's Bed and Breakfast. "You didn't have to…" I trailed of, feeling my smile widen.

"Oh, but I did."

"But work…" I said uncertainly.

"Is taken care of. I spoke to the chief and he cleared our schedules." Callie informed me before putting an arm on my waist, obviously sensing my uncertainty. "Just let me take you to the bed and breakfast."

"Okay." I said, pulling her in for a kiss. It was a soft one full of love and in that moment I knew we could be okay.

Our bags were packed, our schedules were checked and double checked several times and we'd filled the car up to a full tank of gas, and now we were well on our way. I had no idea where this place was, but from the directions on the GPS it seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.

One annoying thing was that Callie kept texting Mark. And I know he had a right to check up every now and again, but we were only gone for the weekend, couldn't she just wait to talk to him? My selfish feeling wasn't quite as strong as I bit my lip to refrain from making a snide comment. However, when I found out that all they were doing was gossiping about Lexie and Jackson I got kind of mad. I reached over and grabbed the phone out of her hand and threw it to the back seat.

"Hey, what the hell?"

"This is time for us- it's just for us. And the first thing you wanna do is talk to Mark, so-"

"You just said it was okay!" She exclaimed angrily. "Okay, right, you know what? Screw it?" She said as she unbuckled her seat belt, I immediately started driving slower, in disbelief at the danger she was putting herself in.

"What are you doing? Don't you dare call him!" I exclaimed, biting the inside of my mouth in irritation as she grabbed her phone from the back seat and resumed he position in the front, pulling her phone out, obviously to text Mark.

"Okay, this is jealousy, Arizona. You're jealous of Mark. Get over it." She said and I could hardly believe that she told me to 'just get over it.'

"Do you blame me? I man, he gets most of you. The straight you, the Catholic you, the you that loves baby showers. I just get the gay you, which is really only about twenty minutes a night , not even, since you just feel too fat to even let me touch you-" She cut me off again, before I could even get my point across. Yet again, she wasn't listening to me.

"Look, I am doing my best here! To make sure that you're happy, and that Mark's happy, and that the tiny person growing inside of me, is happy! I don't know what else I can do, to be honest. Please tell me, because I'll do it. Whatever will make you happy, I will do it!" She shouted and I went quiet for a second as so many different things filled my head.

Suddenly a thought came to my head, and with a swoop of realisation I realised that to have Callie for ever, to get up and tell her how much I loved her so that everyone could hear, to know that she'd be there always and that I could call her wife, is what would make me happy.

"Marry me." I said, turning to face here and watching as she raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"What?" She laughed, shaking her head and continuing to text.

"I mean it. I love you more than anything- and I want more. I want commitments, and I want rings…So… Marry me." I said, looking straight into her eyes and saying exactly what I was thinking. I watched her face change as she realised she was being serious. She turned away from me.

Suddenly, a look of fear and shock came of her face and I snapped my eyes back to the road just in time to see a big truck coming right towards us. I turning the steering wheel with all my might, desperately trying to avoid it, but it was too late.

A deafening crash shot against my eardrums and I felt a lurch, a jerk and glass shattering all over me. I closed my eyes to protect them and the air bag on my face was the last thing I felt before everything went black.


	21. Chapter 21

Being Arizona chapter 20

 **H** **ello people of the internet! So, before you read this, or after, or whenever you please, I would highly recommend checking out the fanfiction Heart Rhythms by amcfan000. What? No, I didn't cry… What're you talking about? Oh wait, you're not talking. Um…. Just go check it out?**

The first thing that my brain processed when the darkness lifted was the eerie silence that fell upon the scene. I could smell smoke, blood, and dirt. I could feel my lungs begging for air as I released my face from the airbag, preparing myself to take in the scene that surrounded me.

There was glass _everywhere._ Along the seats, in my hair, on the floor- everywhere. I felt like time slowed down and everything was in slow motion as I looked up to see a pair of feet sticking through the windshield. I felt my heart sink into my stomach and my head start to spin as I realised that they weren't just any feet.

They were Callie's.

I could feel the panic build up in me as I pulled the seatbelt off of myself. I ran around the side of the car to see the scene better and very nearly passed out when I saw Callie sprawled across the bonnet of the car, eyes staring straight ahead as her body shook with haemorrhages. There was blood all over her and my mind zoomed at a million miles per hour as I thought of the thousands of possible things that could be happening to her and our baby right now.

I heard myself start to scream for help. The man from the truck who had hit us had no idea what he was doing so I whipped out my phone and dialled 911 with shaky fingers.

"This is 911, what's your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance. There's been a car crash. My girlfriend… She went through the windshield, she's 23 weeks pregnant. Please!"

"Okay, ma'am, we'll send someone out. Where are you?"

"I don't know! We were on our way to Ramsay's bed and breakfast. We're about ten minutes left from the turnoff at the South 27."

"An ambulance is already on its way. Please remain calm. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you until it arrives?"

"No, no… I'm fine." I told her before I hung up, turning my attention back to the scene behind me. I walked over and gently placed my hand on Callie's. "You can't die okay? I-I love you! Y-ou cant. W-we're gonna have a b-baby and I can't d-do it without you!"

It took roughly ten minutes for the ambulance to reach us. Immediately people started assessing her injuries and began to move her off of the car. One of them took me aside and started asking me questions.

"I'm a doctor… A surgeon… This shouldn't have happened." I mumbled, feeling myself sway as a blanket was wrapped around me. I watched over the paramedic's shoulder as they began loading Callie into the ambulance.

"We're going to take very good care of your friend, miss, if you'll just-"

"Girlfriend. She's my girlfriend. That's my baby. I asked her to marry me and the truck came out of nowhere." I snapped at him and he simply just lead me into the ambulance.

It was pure chaos. I took notes of every single thing they said, my heart sinking and sinking further as each vital was announced. All I could focus on was Callie, lying there looking so broken and vulnerable. I gently took her hand and squeezed it in mine, the only thing I could do to assure her that I was by her side no matter what.

"What the hell happened?" I looked up to see the panicked face of Mark looming over me, watching them rush Callie towards the trauma rooms.

"It came out of nowhere! I- I asked her to marry me and the truck came out of nowhere." I stuttered, staring blankly to where the gurney carrying Callie had just disappeared. I followed Mark as he ran back into the hospital. "Will they let us in?" I asked weakly, wanting nothing more to just be able to be with her.

"Yes." Mark said with a hint of defiance in his tone. As we ran behind the group of people pushing Callie's gurney I could just hear Owen assuring Callie that everything was going to be okay.

"Get those IVs on!"

"Make sure the lines are packing."

"Compressed skull fracture with a probably bleed!" I heard Derek diagnose from the other side of the trauma room that we had just entered and I felt the tears continue to flow down my face.

"I'll call CT to get ready for her!"

"Checking reflexes!"

"No obvious spinal deformities."

"Hang to bags of 0-neg!" I heard Bailey shout but Mark interfered.

"Uh, she's A positive." He declared.

"Yeah, she's A positive." I agreed, recalling the time when Callie and I had donated blood for the blood bank during a massive trauma.

"Scratch that, type specific A positive!"

During all of this, all of the chaos, I was carefully watching Lucy's actions. I watched her work quickly but carefully but I had yet to see her find a heartbeat. I needed there to be a heartbeat.

"Is there a foetal heartbeat?" I asked only to have my words drowned by the other voices in the room.

"No breath sounds on the right set up a test tube!"

"I'm on it!"

I sighed, taking a step forward. "Lucy, is there a foetal heartbeat?"

"Lucy!" I heard Mark shout before the chief came over to us and moved us out of the way.

"I want an answer!" I exclaimed in protest as he begun to push us against the wall.

"Against the wall and silent. You hear me?" He said in a voice that vaguely reminded me of my authority issues, so I fell silent, knowing that it would be too easy for him to kick us out considering we weren't even supposed to be in here in the first place.

"Upper left quadrant clear!"

"I need those trays to pump her chest!"

"I need a 36 French tube."

"Keep the warm fluids up so she doesn't get hypothermic."

"There's blood in the right upper quadrant!"

"Uh, rapid infuser!" I heard Bailey shout before I saw her leave the room to go and get it. I watched in horror as all of my friends, who suddenly in this moment felt like family to me, tried their very best to save the love of my life's life.

"Call upstairs and tell them to prep an OR, and where's that blood?" I heard the chief command.

I watched closely as I saw Callie stretch out a severely shaking hand towards Bailey who had just returned with a rapid infuser as they began to insert a chest tube. I felt some comfort at the fact that Bailey grabbed her hand and held it tightly, although I did wish it could be me.

"This monitor's not picking up."

"Derek, please." Mark quietly begged Derek. I saw that Derek had heard his words as he turned to Lucy.

"How are we doing with that foetal heartbeat, Lucy?" I heard him ask.

"Her systolic's down to fifty!"

"If I'm gonna find a heartbeat I need everyone to shut up for a second!" Lucy exclaimed and I waited with bated breath to hear the longed for sound of a heartbeat. The whole room fell silent, besides the beeping of the monitor, as we all waited.

Then, a brilliant sound filled the room. The quick, train-like sound of the sweet heartbeat that I was privileged to hear for a second time. The heartbeat of our baby.

"Foetal heartbeat!" Lucy announced and I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me. However all traces of happiness were gone as the dreaded beeping of the heart monitor started going off and I heard Jackson announce B-Fib. My heart started beating so fast I swear it was going to burst out of my chest and fly across the room. I felt the tears rolling down my face as I watched them start CPR and begin to intubate her.

"This is my entire fault…" I cried quietly to myself as I watched them. No one else heard me. If I hadn't taken my eyes off the road…

"Charge to 120! Clear!"

Nothing.

"Okay, charge the paddles to 200! Clear!"

I breathed a sigh of relief and shook the tears away from my eyes as I heard her heart rate stabilise. I was now full on sobbing but I didn't care.

I stumbled after them as they ran with Callie towards the elevator to the OR floor. I stayed back because I knew there was no chance I'd be allowed to go with them. As I stood there and watched as the elevators closed and Calliope was screened from my view I felt everything catch up to me until I could barely stand anymore.

"I… I asked her to marry me and the truck came out of nowhere." I choked out before collapsing into a chair that was near me. I put my head in my hands and began to sob. I stayed like this for a few minutes before I felt I soft hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see the worried face of April Kepner looking down at me. She took my hand and I let her pull me up gently.

"C'mon. They're in OR three. You can watch." She said gently before we began to walk quickly towards the OR. I barely payed attention as we made our way down the familiar hallways that I'd walked so many times before.

I smiled at April and nodded to her as we entered the OR gallery, signalling that it was okay for her to leave. I watched closely, never blinking as I watched them prep Callie for surgery and I panicked when I saw how many people were rushing about and shouting. I hoped they didn't think that I'd missed the close call with the Anaesthesia; I would definitely be bringing that up later.

I was on the edge of my seat as I watched them begin to operate on Callie's brain and her abdomen at the same time. I knew that if she made it through this surgery then it would be barely. I sighed in relief as I saw Owen tell everyone to breathe and for any non-essential people to vacate the OR. I was glad Owen seemed to be in charge. I watched as Derek looked up at me.

"Someone needs to be with Mark." He said, and I looked away, trying to hide what I'd just heard him say. So he blamed me. Everyone probably did.

I just sat and observed and took everything in through blurry vision as they continued to operate. It made my head spin, trying to catch their every move when there was so much going on at once. I found myself craning my neck to see past people and half standing out of my seat just to get a better view. I locked eyes with Teddy a few times and she gave me a reassuring nod.

 _Just breathe, Arizona._ I told myself firmly but as soon as I heard the foetal monitor beep indicating that Callie was contracting, any thought of breathing or calming down was washed from my brain. I felt myself breathe and a rush of oxygen to my head as the contractions stopped and I collapsed back into my seat, feeling highly dizzy. I it was probably from the nasty cut I had on my forehead but I could hardly feel it now.

I closed my eyes as I heard them agree to temporarily close her up. I knew the next twenty four hours would be touch and go, but at least she'd made it through so far. And so had our baby.

I barely noticed Alex entering the gallery as they closed Calliope up and began clearing the OR. He sat down beside me and nudged me with his shoulder to get my attention.

"What do you need?" He asked. "I could stitch up that nasty cut you've got going on there." He offered and I shook my head slightly, swaying in my seat.

"I'm okay, I-" I said to him, nodding my head. "I'm fine." I repeated weakly and I could no longer prevent my voice from cracking and the sobs took over my body yet again. I lowered my head to my chest and let myself cry. Alex wrapped a strong arm around me and I felt glad to know that he didn't blame me. Or, at least he wasn't showing it.

It wasn't long before his pager went off again and I snapped my head up. He grabbed it from his pocket and sighed in relief when there were no 911s. "Addison will be here soon, Webber called her. We've got 45 minutes. I've to go greet her. You clean yourself up and I'll get someone to stitch up your cut."

I sighed and nodded my head, shakily standing up and heading towards the Attending's lounge. They probably wouldn't let me see Callie yet and they definitely wouldn't let me see her if I was covered in blood and glass and all types of things that could affect the sanity of her room. I figured if I changed into new scrubs and got this cut stitched up I would at least be allowed near the ICU.

However as soon as I reached the attending's lounge I collapsed on a couch near the door and just let myself cry it out. I couldn't believe that this had happened. I was supposed to keep her safe. I was supposed to wait to propose and I was supposed to keep my eyes on the road. It was my job to keep Calliope and our baby safe for one weekend and I'd failed and now I didn't even know if they would live.

After a while I looked up to see April standing there again, this time holding a suture kit. I smiled. Apart from Karev obviously, she was my favourite resident.

"I'm under strict instructions to do a good job of it." She half smiled, walking towards me and beginning to work. "They're in a conference room right now, figuring out a plan. The Attendings. They're gonna work it out."

I smiled. Although I had plenty of doubts and I was scared shitless of what was going to happen next, whatever that was, I knew that Calliope and our baby had an excellent team of surgeons on their team. "We were supposed to be at a bed and breakfast, but instead…" I trailed of, another wave of shame coming over me.

"You can talk to me, you know. Rant, cry. Whatever." She said softly as she continued to work. "I know Attendings don't generally talk to residents, especially not me, and we barely know each other, but you can if you want. I won't say anything." She said and I smiled at her.

"Half of them don't even think the baby should be my baby. Cause Callie and Mark slept together and I didn't originally want kids. I've heard the rumours." I half spat.

"They don't." April lied quickly before sighing. "Well, some of them do, but not all of them. I for one think it's amazing what you're doing. Alex thinks it's, in his words, awesome. Meredith said that although she and Callie never originally got along well, she cared about her happiness and she's happy to see that you make her happy. "

"They still blame me. I can tell Derek does. I took my eyes off the road and we were fighting and I was being selfish and I proposed and I should have just waited but I didn't and now I could lose them both…" I trailed off, feeling the tears build up once more.

"One time, when I was eight, me and my sister Libby were arguing in the car. We'd been bickering on and off all day and my mom had enough of it. She turned around in her seat to tell us off and a car went into the front of us. We were all fine, just a bit of whiplash and soreness, but my mom never stopped feeling horrible for it. And Libby and I both felt horrible because we were the ones arguing. But it was no one's fault. Just like this." April reassured me, drawing back from my forehead and examining her handiwork. "Perfect, if I do say so myself." She said with a smile.

Just then, Mark came barging into the room. "Robbins, they want us in the ICU." He said simply before walking back out.

"Thanks, April. Really." I said sincerely before following Mark. By the tone of his voice I could tell it was nothing emergent, but I still wanted to get there quickly, because in my books everything that was going to happen today and in the next few days would be emergent.

"What's going on?" I asked Bailey as I watched April, who had followed me, go into Callie's room and start looking over her drain sites.

"Well, it would appear that we found a way to possibly improve Callie's cardiac status." She began slowly.

"Well tell us then!" I urged and she frowned.

"It's… If we deliver the baby." She said and we both went silent for a second.

"But the baby won't make it. It's barely even viable." I said, stunned.

"Why are we even talking about the baby?" Mark butted in and I felt my whole body stop in shock.

"Did you even just say that?" I asked in shock, shaking my head. He knew as well as I did that Callie wanted this baby more than anything, and she wouldn't get this baby if we delivered it now.

"We'll just make another baby." He exclaimed and I felt sick just to even think about it. The fact that Callie and Mark had already slept together already made me sick, but to suggest they do it again? Oh hell no. "If delivering this baby means that Callie gets a better shot, then I say that we give her the best chance she'll get!"

"It's not that simple, Mark!" I exclaimed, raising my voice.

"I don't like it! It's horrible, but it is that simple!" He retaliated. "We can have another baby, but we can't have another Callie!"

"Oh, so what, you're just going to screw my girlfriend again?"

"Oh, for goodness sake, just get over it! We screwed, it's no big deal!"

"It is, Mark! It is a big deal!" I shouted firmly.

"Well if that's what it takes to make a child, MY child, we'll screw again!" He said as if it was the most simple and brainless thing ever. But it hurt. Because I knew, deep down, that if Mark got his way and this baby died, that Callie actually might sleep with him again to make a baby together.

"No, you won't!"

"Yes, we will!"

"You are out of your mind! Just because you're too much of a man-whore to make a relationship actually work, doesn't mean you get to make the life of my children how you want it!"

The arguing continued and I kept ignoring the warnings from the nurse as we continued to shout, the insults getting more personal every time. After a while we had given up on the resolve of actually figuring this out and now we were just shouting harmful things at each other, which was not what I wanted to happen, because I knew I'd say something I would regret, but I was not backing down from this. I _would not_ let our baby die.

"A baby born at 23 weeks risks Encephalopathy, ROP, Cerebral Paulsy, Developmental-" I began rattling of a list of every risk I could think of, which was endless, which was exactly why I wanted to wait.

"I know the risks!" He shouted.

"Oh, do you? Because you're acting like you don't care about the baby!"

"I'm thinking about Callie! You don't think I care? This is my baby!"

"You're not being rational, Mark!"

"Oh you never wanted this" He began and I just stood back for a second in semi surrender. He was seriously playing this card? "You never asked for this, so why the Hell are you giving some opinion on-"

"No, no!" I shouted. "You know what I didn't ask for? I didn't ask for _you_ Mark. And you know what you are, you're basically a sperm donor, I mean this is me, and Callie, and we're together so _I say-"_

"No! You don't get a say! This is my family! I'm the father. _I'm_ the father! You're- not- anything! You're nothing!" He shouted and I drew my body back from my defensive stance and let those words sink in. They really hurt. I know I called him a sperm donor, but at least he had an actual argument against that. I didn't, really. Apart from unconditional love, legally, I was nothing.

"You know what? I'm done here." I said. "Done." I said before walking off. I decided to go and calm down somewhere far away from here.

As soon as I reached a private place, however, I found myself longing to go back and see Callie. So I did. Derek had already told us that she might not wake up, although it was too soon to tell, and after a bombshell like that I needed to just see her and hold her hand and promise her she'd be okay.

I walked past Bailey who nodded to me as I entered the room, closing the door behind me and walking over to the bed where my Calliope lay. I collapsed into the chair, bewildered at the sight of her lying there, motionless, and as white as a sheet. None of the Calliope warmth that I remembered and loved so much was there anymore. Just the dull clicking of the ventilator and the persistent beeping of the monitors that were attached to her.

I took her hand in mine, gasping when it was cold. I knew that that was expected, and it was actually just a regular temperature, but Callie's hands were always so warm and it was horrible to feel them anything but that. However I continued to grasp her hand in mine, as if keeping it warm, and I began to talk to her. I knew she couldn't hear me, but I still told her everything that happened.

"Mark's kind a right, you know." I sighed sadly, speaking what was on my mind. My biggest fear. "I mean legally, I'm no one. Which is kind of crazy." I continued through a sore throat, the result of spending much of my day yelling or crying. "Because I feel like your wife. I feel like our baby's mom." I said, trying to clear my throat so that I could continue through my tears. As I looked down at her broken body, it all came flooding to me, that even if Mark was still here, we could make it work. Because I loved Callie and we were going to have a kid soon who I would love just as much.

"Can you just… Live?" I pleaded and my voice broke, a sign that another inevitable break down was coming. With no resolve left in me to fight it, I just let myself say everything that I'd bundled up. "Can you live, for me?" I repeated. "Please? Live for me?" I said before no more words could come out of my mouth and I just sat there staring at her. The number of different thoughts racing through my mind was endless, haunting my brain and stabbing at my heart and gnawing at my tear ducts. It was overwhelming, the feeling of utter insignificance I felt as I thought over everything Callie was and stood for in my life.

She stood for change. When I left Maryland, I was a completely different person than I was now, because she'd changed me- in the best way possible. She stood for happiness- before I came here, my life was okay, but I wasn't necessarily happy, and the moment I'd kissed her in that dirty bar bathroom I'd felt the happiest I'd been in a long time. And, above all, she brought love. My love for Calliope and our baby was nothing like I'd ever experienced before and it scared the crap out of me, yet it was the best thing I'd ever felt.

In that moment, I knew I was being merely hopeful. If I were in doctor mode right now I would have faced the facts and realised that there was a slim chance that Callie would live through the next twenty four hours, let alone wake up- and that was without the numbers of surgeries and endless recovery sessions she would have to go through if she did.

The thought of living without her, raising our baby and bringing it up to be the right person without Callie made me feel sick. How was I supposed to do it? Would our baby even live? Of course that was what Callie wanted. It was what everyone wanted. But could I live without Callie? _What was I supposed to do?_

My contemplations were cut short by the shrill beeping, whirring, and chiming of machines. My heart sunk thousand feet as I saw her vitals in the monitor drop. I stood up and backed off, suddenly and unnecessarily scared that _I'd_ done something to cause this. I noticed Mark, Addison, Bailey and a whole entire group of people run into the room, but I couldn't register anything but Calliope lying there on the bed and the noise of the machines. All I could utter, quietly and a thousand times over in a silent plea to whoever was watching up there, were the words _Please, live for me._

 **So I decided to split this chapter, because it's over 4,000 words already and if I kept going then it would last forever. Don't worry, though, the next chapter will be up soon enough- I'm on a random writing streak and I literally wrote this in two days. So, please read and review?**


	22. Chapter 22

Being Arizona chapter twenty one

That feeling of being trapped was back. Just like after Tim died, I could hardly breathe let alone move. My mind and vision were a blur of people and voices, shouting incoherent words as we ran down the hallway, pulling Callie's gurney along with us. I urged my feet to move faster, for my brain to catch up with real life. I felt like we were going in slow motion.

" _Please, live for me."_ I repeated quietly to myself. Reluctantly letting go of the gurney, I watched as they wheeled Calliope down the hallway, into the elevator and out of sight. Without another word to Mark who was standing silently beside me, staring at the spot where they'd just disappeared as if they were about to come back, I turned on my heel and headed for the stairway that lead straight to the OR floor.

I burst into the OR gallery just in time to see them finish prepping her. They held a quick discussion over what they were planning to do, and it was agreed that Meredith and Derek would operate on her brain and Bailey and the chief on her abdomen, while Cristina and Teddy would operate on her heart. I felt my eyebrows knit in worry because I knew that it was a lot for her body, and our baby, to take. However I trusted the surgeons in the OR bellow me with my life. More than that- with Callie and our baby's life.

I briefly noticed the clock on the wall of the OR; shocked when it read that it was eleven in the morning. It had said that the last time I checked, too. Had it really been a while day since we were last here? I quickly shrugged it off and turned back to the events of the OR, it briefly registering in my mind that Mark had also entered the gallery.

"We should pray." I stated blankly, my throat screaming in protest. "Callie would want us to pray."

"I haven't stopped praying since yesterday." Mark muttered and I sighed, bowing my head and clasping my hands anyway.

 _God. You can hear this, right? It's strange, but… Please. Show up because we need you now. Please save Calliope and our baby and please give me strength to support them. Help us. Please. Amen._

I flinched and was snapped out of my prayer as I heard the heart monitors start to go off, and I diverted my attention instead from the abdominal surgery to Teddy and Cristina's work, where they appeared to be having an argument over whether to do a percutaneous repair or not. Whatever they decided to do they needed to do it fast, because Callie's vitals were tanking and they didn't have much time.

I brought my legs up to my chest and slowly began to rock myself as Teddy stabilised the heart and Cristina took over. I could barely watch. She was just a resident. An extremely talented one, I know, but still just a resident.

I heard the flat lining of her heart and my whole world froze. Throughout this whole ordeal, no matter how bad it had gotten, never once had Callie's heart stopped beating. I hated to let my thoughts veer towards the fact that she might be giving up on us. They were massaging her heart. They were pushing epi. Her brain was bleeding and Addison was about to deliver our baby.

Without thinking, I automatically followed Mark and ran down to the scrub room, shoving a pair of surgical gloves on and grabbing a mask. I entered just in time to watch Addison walk over with our baby, who was no bigger than her hands. I stopped in my tracks as I watched them struggle to get a heartbeat both on our baby and on Callie.

As soon as Mark turned round to me, looking me in the eye and silently pleading for me to step in, I snapped out of it and began working on what I learned was our daughter. My hands worked automatically as I watched what I was doing with blurry eyes. As I went through the routine I knew so well, of pushing medicines and performing CPR, I hoped and prayed that this tiny life in front of me would pull through.

It was pure music to my ears as I heard the dull beeping of our daughter's heart monitor pick up, nothing else but the sweet sound of the heartbeat that I was truly privileged to hear for the third time filling my ears. "I have a heartbeat!" I choked out, my face stretching into a smile that ached my muscles. In the background I vaguely heard the chief announce that Calliope's heart was strong too, and I glanced up at Mark, communicating with my eyes a silent apology for everything I'd said.

I felt all eyes on me as my knees went weak and emotions overcame me, and without warning I collapsed to my knees in the middle of the OR, clasping my hands in prayer once again.

 _Thank you._

I didn't once take my eyes off of my eyes off of my daughter as we set her up in an incubator and rushed her to the NICU. I had basically taken over as I barked orders at everyone, not caring about the harsh tone in my voice. My daughter's life was on the line.

I stood back and took a deep breath once we had her stabilised enough to breath, and took a deep breath. The nurses and other doctors slowly cleared off to give us a minute as Mark and I walked forward to admire our beautiful baby girl.

"She's beautiful." Mark breathed as we peered down at her tiny form. Although she was all tubes and wires, and she was fighting for her life against so many different complications along with possible ones, she was fighting. As I looked closer I saw a small tuft of beautiful black hair smoothed against her tiny head. Her little hand was moving back and forth, as if she was waving, although I knew it was probably the medicine.

"I think her name should be Sofia." I admitted to Mark, looking up to meet his gaze, which was obviously curious due to my random outburst. "Calliope really liked that name. Her face lit up when she read it from the book. It was the number one on her list."

"It's perfect for her." Mark agreed, standing straight. "We should go see Callie." He said and I agreed before we walked together to Callie's room, for once not arguing or competing with each other, just walking.

Once we reached the ICU, which was only a small while away from the NICU, we found Derek watching Callie. He turned to us as we walked up to him.

"We've done everything we can; now we just have to wait for her to wake up." He said solemnly and we both nodded.

"Well, the fact that she barely responded when you weaned her off the paralytics before…" Mark trailed off and I cringed at the memory of Derek telling us that she didn't respond the last time and that she might not wake up.

"Might have meant that she wasn't ready to wake up." Derek finished for him.

"Or…" I began.

"Her brain may have been compromised and she may not wake up." He said. I felt my eyes fill with tears. Sofia was barely hanging on and Calliope might never wake up. I wasn't sure if I could handle this.

Derek walked off to give us time to think and I continued to gaze at Callie's unconscious form, my thoughts with our daughter in the NICU.

"You're not nothing." Mark said suddenly and I looked at him in confusion. "We have a kid together. You're a mom. I'm a dad…. I'm sorry." He added, a trace of hope in his voice that I would forgive him. But the fact was that I had already forgiven him. I gave him a long look and let that look communicate my apology.

"She's gonna wake up." I said certainly. "She has to wake up." I repeated. We stood there for a few moments before Mark excused himself, saying that he was going back down to the NICU. I nodded and decided to go and sit with Callie, my mind given peace that Sofia wasn't alone.

I collapsed in the chair beside her bed, an overwhelming sense of de ja vu washing over me as I stared at Calliope Iphigenia Torres, the love of my life.

"We have a daughter." I began. "A beautiful daughter. You're a mom. Mark's a dad." I said. "I'm a mom." I added, a tone of realisation in my voice. I let out a small laugh. Never, not once throughout my teenage years or my adulthood would I have every though I'd be uttering those words. But now that I was saying them, they felt natural. Amazing. I was a mom to that beautiful baby girl lying in the NICU and I couldn't be prouder.

"We named her Sofia." I told her. "I know you really liked that name, and once you see her you'll see that it fits perfectly. It really suits her."

"She's really small. She's one pound one ounce of… strong." I smiled. "Fighting against all the complications… She's got beautiful black hair, Calliope, beautiful hair. She's… She's beautiful." I said, knowing that nothing was ever going to make me smile bigger than talking about my daughter. Our daughter.

"She can't open her eyes yet, but I can tell- she's looking for you." I told her, my smile fading and tears reforming in the corners of my eyes. "Okay? She's looking for you. So you have to wake up.2 I said, before sitting back in my chair. I closed my eyes for a second and felt the sleep that I had neglected for close to three days pulling at my body. It took all the effort I had to lean forward and let my head rest on the bed beside Callie so that I could keep her hand.

I was woken hours later by the soft jolt of something hear my right ear. I stayed still for a minute, just about to pass it off as my imagination when I heard an undistinguishable grunt above me. I snapped my head up, stuttering through the dizzy rush from having sat up to quickly.

"W-What?" I stuttered, breathing heavily. "Oh my God. Callie?" I asked carefully, holding my breath as I watched her beautiful soft eyelids flutter open.

"Yea…mmm…"

"What? What is it?" I asked, my hands shaking as I clasped hers tightly. I felt my heart rise to my throat and watched in anticipation as the worked to from words.

"..I-I'll marry you." She grunted and I felt my heart leap. An automatic smile burst over my face and all I could do was laugh. In relief, in shock, in happiness- I laughed. I heard a few people come over to stand by the door and watch the scene unfold but I had eyes only for my beautiful brunette fiancé lying before me.

"I love you, you beautiful, smart, honourable, amazing, and kind person." I said firmly, planting kissed on her forehead and all over her face as I spoke each word. I realised now that I probably didn't tell her how much I loved her often enough how much I loved her, and I'd be damned if a single minute went passed when I wasn't telling her how much I loved her and our daughter.

"The baby…" Callie said through a cracked voice. I helped her drink some water as I replied.

"Our daughter is one pound, one ounce of strong. Little Sofia has a long road ahead of her but she's fighting like hell."

A small smile appeared on Callie's face and I had never realised how much I missed the sight of it. I leaned in and kissed her again, this time a lot softer. "I love you." I told her, using a hand to caress the side of her face softly.

"You do?" She said as her eyes widened, and the memories of the first time I confessed my feelings for her replaying in my head.

"I do."

"I love you too."


	23. Chapter 23

Being Arizona chapter twenty two

The next few weeks were weeks filled with happiness, anger, relief, frustration and firsts of pretty much everything. Both Calliope and baby Sofia seemed to be holding up pretty well, both of them fighting against all of their complications. I rarely left the hospital, constantly running between Callie's room and the NICU, watching over my girls.

I'd gone back to work part time. Mark had gone mental at me when he'd found out, because he couldn't understand how I could work at a time like this. Bu he didn't understand- they would let _him_ in to see his daughter, there was no reason why _he_ couldn't see her as much as he wanted to, and there was no hospital policy against _him._ I'd been in utter denial the first time that they'd told me I couldn't go and see my own daughter- they quickly jumped in and explained about hospital policy and all of that crap but I didn't care for what they had to say. If going back to work was the only way I could see my daughter, then so be it.

Her full name was Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres, and she was absolutely beautiful, just like her mother. It terrified me how much I loved her, that I would do absolutely anything, including give my own life, for her to be safe and happy. He love that I felt for this tiny human who had entered our lives so early and quickly was nothing like I'd ever experienced before. Whenever I went to see her I would talk her ears off even if she couldn't hear me, telling her all about the world that faced her, and mostly about her beautiful mommy whom she had yet to meet.

Calliope was beyond frustrated that she wasn't allowed to see her, but deep down we all knew, that even as much as we all wanted to see them meet for the first time, that Callie was too dangerous for Sofia right now. Callie had already undergone two more surgeries to repair the internal damage and Sofia was just shy of her third. The risk of infection that Callie would bring to her was not one that could be treated quickly, so for now we just had to keep going with recovery and looking forward.

Both mine and Callie's parents had flown over for a brief period of time. After hearing the news of the crash they'd all been on the first flight to Seattle. But they couldn't stay for long- they were busy people. They had been incredibly supportive and my mother had been very useful for whenever I had a near breakdown. These came very often, because I knew that so far all that was keeping my daughter alive were steroids and miracles. And the group of amazing surgeons who had done a fine job of operating on her every time.

Unbelievably, Mark and I had also grown closer in these last few weeks. There was a newfound respect between the two of us that I was the mom of his daughter and he was the father of my daughter and that Callie was the mother of _our daughter_ whom we both loved unconditionally. We worked together to make sure that neither Callie nor Sofia where ever alone, and we both put our full effort into making sure that Callie remained as optimistic as possible.

"I just want to see her. It's not fair."

"Callie, you know it's too risky."

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that my daughter, _my daughter_ is fighting for her life. That she's had a brain surgery and two heart surgeries, one of which she barely made out of? Do you not see that that's the exact reason that I need to see her?" Callie shouted at me. We were currently in her room, Callie having just finished her physical therapy where she was working on getting her hand straight.

"Yes, Callie, I know. We're all terrified for her life. But the risk of infection's…"

"Yeah, I know." She snapped, turning away from me and instead focused on her hand again.

"Calliope…" I said softly, walking over to place a kiss on top of her head.

"I said I know." She repeated shortly, and it appeared that she'd shut me out again. I sighed and decided just to give her some space. I ran into Mark just outside of the door.

"Switch time already?" I asked with a smile and he nodded.

"You get through to her yet?" He asked solemnly, nodding his head towards Callie's room.

"Not yet." I sighed, shaking my head sadly.

"We just need to give her time." He said assuredly and I nodded again before walking towards the NICU.

And he was right. Within the next few weeks, Callie seemed to accept the fact that she wouldn't be able to see her and instead focused on recovering faster. But she pushed herself too far, and after the incident with the gurney resulting in another surgery, I made it very clear that she needed to be more patient. She was practically retraining her brain to do simple things like walking, and holding her hand straight, and it wasn't easy. She must have felt so lonely, but there wasn't much I could do to comfort her. All I wanted to do was hold her and promise everything would be okay.

Another problem that I faced was all of the sick kids in Africa that I'd left behind. Not that I regretted coming back, but I felt horrible about leaving. I'd made a promise to help them, to use my knowledge and nearly unlimited budget to help make their lives better, and I'd failed. Imamu and Kunene kept me posted frequently on the patients over there, and with every letter they sent I felt worse and worse. I imagined for a moment bringing them all here, but then I remembered all of the red tape and he money…

In contrast, wedding planning was going well. It was a way for both Callie and I to take our mind off of things and just be us for a while and remember that, despite everything that had happened in the last two and a half months, we were getting married. This fact was one that could make me smile no matter what. If I just remembered that Callie and I would proclaim our love in front of all of all of our friends and family, that we would commit to each other and promise to love each other for the rest of our lives, I would smile like an idiot.

"But it would be pretty!"

"Pink confetti? I don't think so."

"But it has to match the balloons!"

"I was on medication when I agreed to those and you know it."

"But still!"

I could feel people outside of Callie's room watching us in amusement as we argued over our wedding plans. Although we were similar people and often had the same thoughts, we turned out to have a lot of contrasting opinions about wedding details. For example, confetti. I thought it would be pretty if it was thrown over us as we walked back down the aisle, but Callie wanted butterflies. And I mean, butterflies were pretty, but where were we going to get enough butterflies? And how exactly did we plan on getting them into the box?

"Fiiiine!" She sighed when I flashed her my best puppy eyes, looking at me with an amused expression. "You know I can't say know to the puppy eyes. You're evil." She mock glared at me with a pout on her face.

"I'm evil but you love me."

"I do. I love you." She smiled.

"And we have a daughter."

"A beautiful daughter."

"And we're getting married."

"We are."

"I love you." I said, leaning in closer to kiss her softly. It was in moments like these that I knew despite the frustration, tension, and doubts, that we would make it through. We would have an amazing wedding, and our beautiful daughter would attend, because we loved each other and we could do this.

 **Sorry for the late update! And I'm also sorry it's kind of short and unstructured and random. I just finished my prelims and I can swear that half of my brain in still in that exam hall. I can't guarantee that updates will be quicker, but I want to thank you all for reading and reviewing!**

 **Happy Existing!**


	24. Chapter 24

Being Arizona chapter twenty three

 **Hello, people of earth! I'm sorry it's been a while since I updated, but school is cu-ray-zay.**

 **And, if you want to see something perfectly awesome, check out Kelly Clarkson's live cover of Breathe by Anna Nalick. It's AMAZING.**

 **Anyway, this is more of a light and fluffy chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it.**

 **Happy Existing!**

"It's today! Today!" Callie exclaimed in excitement as I helped her stand; although I knew that she no longer needed my help.

"Is it really today? Today?" I mimicked in the same tone, albeit much more sarcastically.

"Arizona. I have been stuck in this bed, in this room, in this hospital for three whole months. I repeat, three freaking months. I am extremely close to going stir crazy." She replied in a deadly serious tone, and I wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug.

"You're going home today." I stated with an excited smile.

After twelve long weeks full of stress, surgeries, tears and recoveries, Callie was finally cleared on all grounds to be discharged. It was a given that she would have to be watched over closely and that she would have to take things easily, but she was finally going home.

The only downside to this occasion is that Sofia was still confined to the NICU. She was doing extremely well though- her brain bleed had vanished, her heart, after the original trouble, hadn't caused any more problems, her lungs were working normally, and her apnoea spells had cleared up weeks ago. She was now thriving at 5 pound 8 ounces. However, she hadn't been discharged, but I wasn't too worried because being a doctor, I could see from her charts that it was only a matter of time before she too was cleared to leave this place.

"I'm going home today!" Callie said before frowning. "You know, but maybe I shouldn't. I'm her mother; I should be here for her…" She trailed off.

"Calliope." I said sternly, looking her straight in the eye. "You know as well as I do that even if you have been discharged, you're hardly going to leave this place. Not until Sofia's discharged. We'll be back here every day, and we both know it's only a matter of time before she gets discharged. I'll even talk to Stark."

"You will?"

"I will." I confirmed, placing a kiss on her temple. "Now, let's stop worrying and go and see our daughter, shall we?"

"Our daughter." She sighed dreamily. "I love the sound of that."

I also loved the sound of it. The first time I'd ever seen Callie hold Sofia was one of the best in my life. When I saw her holding our daughter, I knew that we could do this. I knew that years down the line we'd maybe have more babies, and that we could make it through this.

Once we reached the NICU Callie immediately gravitated towards Sofia's incubator. I shared a smile with Mark and a respectful nod towards Stark as I walked over and started cooing at my baby girl. I watched as she opened her dark brown eyes and started kicking her little legs and waving her arms. Small might she be, but she definitely had a lot of energy. Whenever I was around this little girl I could never wipe the massive smile off of my face.

"I really don't want wanna go until she goes… And clearly, she's not ready, so-" Callie began but I cut her off.

"Shh." I said. We had been waiting for the moment when Callie could go home for weeks now, and there was no way she was being admitted any longer.

"She can go." Stark said casually, never once looking up from her charts. Callie, Mark, and from the corner of my eye I saw April, snapped our heads round simultaneously to look at him.

"What?" We all said.

"Most parents I'd say no, but since she has three doctors at home, so if she passes the infant carrier test she-"

"Uh, the what test?" Mark cut in. I turned to face him.

"She has to sit in an infant carrier test for an hour without any apnoea or bradycardia." I explained. I'd seen many of these throughout my career, and I had no doubt that Sofia would pass with flying colours.

"Huh. She'll nail that, I'll go get it." Mark said proudly, moving away presumably to get the carrier. I turned around to Stark and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I smiled as I saw him blush slightly.

"Thank you." I said.

"Well, it's okay. If she passes the test, it's okay." He said dismissively as he walked off, taking Sofia's chart with him. I smile and turned back to my daughter, my heart swelling. Twelve weeks ago, I would have never in a million years guessed that we'd be taking her home at all, never mind without any long term complications and a clean bill of health. My gaze caught Callie's and we leaned in to share a kiss before turning back to admire Sofia.

"Got it!" Mark announced as he walked back into the NICU, this time with both Bailey and April following him. All of these doctors had watched with their own eyes the progress of Miss Sofia, so it was no surprise that they were all gathered around to see this. As we placed her in the carrier several more nurses left their stances to come and watch it. I took the timer that Sark was holding out to me and pressed start. I took Callie's hand in mine and she took Mark's.

For the next hour all we did was stand and watch Sofia, who stared innocently back at us. At only twelve weeks old she had no idea what was going on, or why all of these people were gathered round just watching her.

"For, three, two one…" We all counted in unison. I smiled wide- the hour was up, she'd passed the test and she could go home.

"That's one hour!" Mark announced proudly, and everyone started clapping and cheering.

"You did it, big girl!" I smiled, heading off to get what she would need to go home.

I rushed around taking pictures for the next few minutes, my heart swelling with pride at the sight of my baby girl all ready to go home.

"Its small features and oversized eyes trigger a hormonal response in humans- it's autonomic. It's what keeps us from eating them." I heard Cristina to Owen from the corner of the room and I chuckled.

"I have got an apnoea monitor in OR two." I said. "Ooh, and Callie- you need to steal one of those NICU blankets because they're the best-" I said but it was clear she wasn't listening. Actually, she looked like she was about to cry. I frowned.

"Okay, everyone just stop! Stop!" She ordered, waving her hands. "She's not ready. No, she can't leave. S-she's been watched by doctors 24 hours a day-"

"Well, she still will." Mark pointed out.

"Okay but what about her lungs, she could get RSV-"

"Any kid could get RSV."

"She's not getting in a car, it's not safe!" She shouted.

"Callie..."

"It's not safe! The last time she was in a car she nearly died- we both nearly died! Get her- get her out of that thing! I'm not kidding Mark, give her to me!" She said, obviously panicking now. I tried to wrap my arm around her to calm her down but it was no use as she brushed me off and moved forward.

"Okay, Calli- Callie!" Bailey said, grabbing Callie's hands gently to stop her. I relaxed on my feet, seeing clearly that Bailey had this. "Yes, you are absolutely right- cars are not safe for children. And neither are bookcases, or squirrels, or strong winds- people who sneeze! They're all gonna get your baby! But honey, you don't feel this way because you were in an accident, you feel this way because you are a parent." She told her firmly.

"Mmm." Callie mumbled, clearly a lot more calm. I smiled, making a mental note to thank Bailey for this.

"It'll pass, mostly. But some of it never will." Bailey assured her, before turning round to redo the straps on Sofia's carrier that Callie had already undone.

Callie turned to me. "We're taking her home." She stated with a wide smile. I walked over to her and wiped the tears that had fallen down her cheeks.

"We're taking our baby girl home." I repeated, giving her a soft kiss on her lips. "I'm gonna get changed from these scrubs, and then I'll be right back. And then we'll get out of this place and be with our girl for a while, okay?"

"Okay." Callie nodded. I kissed her temple before walking away, smiling as I saw April posting the photo of Mark, Sofia and I that was taken yesterday up on the graduate board. She smiled when she saw me and walked over to me.

"So, how does it feel to be going home?" She asked as we continued walking in the direction of my office.

"Amazing. I feel like I can breathe again." I told her with a wide smile.

"You know, Sofia has your dimples." She told me and I laughed.

"You know that's not possible." I laughed but she shook her head.

"You're her mother. Of course it's possible." She sad before walking back the way she came. As I walked her words replayed and replayed again in my head. I was a mother. I had a daughter. She was my baby girl and I was her mom. Holy crap.

"Are we ready to do this?" I exclaimed excitedly as I walked back into the NICU about ten minutes later, o see Callie and Mark having a debate over a wheelchair.

"I am not sitting in that thing." Callie said in disgust, pointing towards it and taking a step back.

"Yes, you are." I said firmly. Taking her shoulders, I guided her firmly but gently into the chair before she could protest. "You know as well as I do that it's hospital policy."

Mark let out a low whistle. "Blondie's gonna make one hell of a mother…" He trailed off and we all laughed. I grabbed the diaper ag filled with everything we needed to take from here in it and slung it round my shoulder. Mark gently picked up Sofia who was wrapped in a pink blanket and carefully handed her to Callie.

"We're doing this!" He exclaimed loudly, handed the discharge forms to one of the nurses and then wheeling Callie swiftly from the room and out through the main entrance. I laughed and followed them.

As we walked out of the door I couldn't keep the smile off of my face, because for the first time since the whole ordeal we were actually doing something normal. I smiled and looked around me at Mark, Callie and Sofia. As unconventional as it was, this was my family, and I found myself thinking that I wouldn't have it any other way.


	25. Chapter 25

Being Arizona chapter 24

Having a baby was hard work. Having a baby while being a surgeon was harder work. Having a baby and preparing for a wedding was the hardest work of all, and it was because of that reason that I was nearly falling asleep as I filled in charts at the nurse's station a week before the wedding.

Alex, the amazing person he is, absolutely kicked ass in his chief resident project- he brought over the kids from Africa. All of the ones I was supposed to operate on but couldn't, were brought over here and all of our doctors were working pro-bono to help save their lives. It was hard, yes, seeing all of these kids with all of these diseases, but it was such a good opportunity for everybody to learn, and save more lives than ever.

As for me, the whole idea of being a mom and a wife was still sinking in. Sometimes I'd wake up when Sofia cried, and I would just sit in the nursery with her and let it all sink in. It still amazed me.

"You need to sleep." Teddy told me with a laugh as her arrival snapped me out of my near-sleep trance. These days with Teddy, it was all news about her hot trauma counsellor boyfriend, her patient husband or her fight with Cristina over Callie's heart surgery.

"I need coffee, that's what I need." I said, closing the file I was working on. "Sofia's not the most soundless of sleepers, and she'll only fall asleep for me."

"That's adorable."

I smiled at her as we began to walk, where to I wasn't sure.

"I'm so glad you two are getting married."

"You're not as glad as I am." I said with a cheesy grin. I looked down at my watch, raising my eyebrows when I saw I only had two hours until I had to pick my parents up from the airport- just enough time to do a final round on patients before I had to leave.

An hour and a half later found me rushing through the airport. Seven year old James was super chatty and my parent's flight landed early, hence making me late, and late was not something you wanted to be when your father was a colonel.

"Arizona, over here!" I heard a familiar voice call out to me and I whirled round to see my parents standing by the arrivals gate, both holding a suitcase and a smile. I walked quickly over to them, and was soon engulfed in a bone-crushing hug by my mother who kept saying 'it's so good to see you' over and over again. This was the part where I felt bad. I hadn't been to visit them since I moved here, and although we talked once a week it wasn't the same. Heck, they hadn't even met Callie in person.

"Hi, mom!" I said happily as I hugged her back, before pulling away to greet my father with a hug. "Hi, dad."

"You look tired. Are you sleeping well enough? Are you eating enough?" My mom immediately began to fuss. My dad and I exchanged an eye roll and a smile before I replied.

"I have a new-born at home, mom. Of course I'm not sleeping great. I'm also a surgeon; our sleep pattern is always dodgy. And I'm definitely eating enough." I laughed.

"Oh, I can't wait to see her! The pictures you sent are adorable! She's the spitting image of Callie! And Callie! I can't wait to meet her!"

That's generally how the conversation went for the car journey home. My mother rambled and asked question after question, while I happily answered them. My dad sat back with a smile and just listened to the conversation, as per usual. My dad wasn't a man of many words, but when he spoke he spoke volumes.

"Calliope!" I called as we entered the apartment, although I kept the call low as I knew there was a good chance that Sofia was sleeping. I waited for a few seconds before Callie came quietly out of the nursery, closing the door softly behind her.

"She just went down, she was fussing all night, she only ever goes to sleep for you." She smiled before turning to my parents.

"You must be Callie! It's so good to meet you!" My mom exclaimed while my dad gave a nod of agreement.

"It's very nice to meet you." She smiled, sticking out her hand for my mom to shake. However, my mom simply brushed her hand away and pulled her into a big hug.

"We hug in this family, dear." My mom smiled, never letting go.

"Okay, as much as we're glad to meet each other and all that, I would like for Callie's oxygen supply to remain stable. I do love her, you know." I said. We continued to talk for a while as we ate dinner, before my dad eventually yawned and looked up at the clock.

"I think I'm gonna hit the sack." He said, standing up. "If I'm going to meet my granddaughter tomorrow I want to have a full bar of energy."

"You do realise she's a new born, right? You won't have to exert yourself too much." I laughed and Callie swatted my arm.

"Shh, new-borns are also hard work. I'll show you guys where the room is." Callie said, standing up.

"I think I'll stay up for a while, I've not spoken to Arizona in ages. I'll not be long." My mom promised, and we both watched them go through with a smile. As soon as they were gone my mom turned to me with a giant smile.

"Is it true Sofia only falls asleep for you at night?" She asked me.

"It is." I confirmed with a big smile. "The first night home, I gave Callie strict orders to go to bed and rest, and me and Sof spent some quality time together before I settled her down for the night, and got up with her after that. She goes to sleep for Callie during the day, but as long as it's night time she won't close her eyes til I'm there." I said proudly. I know it would be much easier if Sof would go to sleep for Callie, and it probably wouldn't last forever, but it just gave me a peace of mind to know that I hadn't completely screwed up yet, and that I was doing at least something right.

"I love Callie. She's definitely your one. I can't imagine you with anyone else." She admitted, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else, either. And your approval means everything to me. Not that it would stop me. I'm marrying her next week no matter what."

"My baby's getting married." She said tearfully, pulling me into a hug, I watched Callie return from the corner of my eye, but she just smiled and slipped quietly into the nursery.

We sat there for a few more minutes before my mom too admitted she too was also tired and declared it time for me to go to bed too. I agreed with a nod and a yawn, following her down the hall. I stuck my head into the room where my parents were staying in to say night to my dad before walking through and slipping into bed beside Callie, whose arm immediately snaked around my side and pulled me close.

"Mm, you smell nice." I said, sniffing her hair which was spilling over. It smelled like Callie- cocoa butter and coconut, a sweet smell which was uniquely hers.

"You always say that."

"But it's true."

"You better sleep while you can." Callie sighed. "Sofia will be awake in two hours and thirteen minutes, promptly."

I turned to face her, placing a kiss on her soft lips. "You're not mad, are you? That she only goes to sleep for me?"

She frowned. "Why would I be mad?"

"Cause she doesn't sleep at night for you, only me." I said.

"Oh honey, I'm not mad at all. I think it's precious. You two have already developed a bond." She smiled and I relaxed, turning back round.

"I can't believe we have a daughter." I said in disbelief, as I had done for many nights in a row.

"I know, it's crazy how much I love her."

"We have a daughter Calliope, isn't that so crazy?"

"Very crazy."

 _*One week later_ *

I stared down at Sofia, who was looking intently at me from in my arms. It was currently two am on the morning of our wedding day, and Sofia had adopted the idea that pretending to sleep was funny. It was slightly frustrating, since I knew I needed to sleep as tomorrow was a big day, but whenever she looked up at me with those big, brown, innocent eyes I immediately broke into a sleepy smile and all of my frustration ebbed away.

"I'm going to marry your mommy today, Miss Sofia! That's right! Yes I am!" I cooed to her as I rocked her gently. "Your mommy is the best. She's outstanding. She's kind, and funny, and strong, and the best person I could ever marry. The best person to be your mommy, too. You won't get a better one than her. Nope, no chance!"

I continued to smile down at her. "I promise I'll always love you, my baby girl. You shouldn't ever be scared to tell me who you are. You mommy didn't deserve what her mommy did to her, but I can promise you that we'll never do that to you." I said, placing a kiss on top of her small head as her eyelids began to droop.

A few hours later I awoke to my mum not so gently dragging me from my bed. I sunk my heels into the floor and shielded my eyes from the light as she continued to pull my arm.

"Mom, chill, I'm moving!" I exclaimed in annoyance, following her through.

"We have to leave! Callie can't see you, it's bad luck! Oh my gosh, my baby's getting married today!" She gushed, handing me a pair of shoes that I began to put on.

"So I've heard." I said dryly. "Where's dad?" I asked, looking around for any signs of him.

"He's at the venue, setting up with Mark. Carlos and Lucia were supposed to be there, but…"

I made a face at the mention of Calliope's mother, who not twenty four hours ago had practically disowned her daughter on the day before her wedding, telling her that she was going to hell because of her lesbian wedding and her child out of wedlock. As soon as I'd heard what she'd said I was livid. Now Callie's own mother wasn't even going to be there for her daughter's wedding. And neither was Callie's father, since Callie had convinced him to go after her.

"Okay, so the plan for today…"

We spent the next few minutes going over the schedule for the day. The ceremony was at five pm, and if all went smoothly, ceremony would melt into reception without any glitches just in time for dinner. Before that, I had a surgery to perform, so I'd go into the hospital for that, before my mother and Teddy would abduct, I mean collect, me to get ready, I believe across the hall in Mark's apartment. Callie would be getting ready here and if all went smoothly we would be dancing down the aisle at 4pm promptly to say 'I do'.

I quickly popped my head in to check on Sofia, who was contentedly sleeping away under a mountain of blankets which she wouldn't sleep without. I quickly checked her apnoea monitor to see it was clear. I smiled. She didn't really need it anymore, but Callie and I were both paranoid so we kept it just in case. I quietly closed the door, knowing that I would see her later. I grabbed a granola bar on my way out, giving my mum a hug goodbye as I began the familiar route to the hospital.

"Da, da da da!" Teddy sung in the tune of the bridal march when she saw me that morning. I shook my head in disbelief.

"We're not doing that. I'm here to perform surgery then leave."

However, things didn't goas smoothly as planned. Of course it didn't. Mark had phoned me a matter of minute sago to report that Father Brooks' wife had been in an accident and they wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding, and now Callie was in give up mode. Although I knew the wedding could still go on, I could see where Callie was coming from. Not only had her mother practically disowned her the night before her wedding, but now the minister that she'd hired especially for her mother couldn't make it- it cast a negative light over it.

"Bailey!" I called down the hall as I saw her standing there. I walked quickly over to her with a frown on my face.

"Robbins?" She asked, never looking up from what she's doing. "Have you talked to Callie yet? Sloan said she's freaking out."

"I haven't. Brides aren't allowed contact before they walk down the aisle and we _will_ be walking down that aisle today." I told her. "Which is why I need a favour?"

"And that would be?"

"I need you to go over there and talk to her. I have surgery in ten minutes so I don't have time but you do, and I know she'll listen to you, because everyone listens to you." I rambled and she just nodded her head.

"I'm on it. What do I say to her?"

"Just talk about love. That's what I do. I just tell her how I love her so unbelievably much, and she loves me, and none of the rest of it matters, and she usually comes around."

"You're sickeningly sweet; you know that, right, Robbins?"

"'Course I do."

A few hours later found me back at Mark's taking a shower. Bailey, the amazing person she is, managed to get Callie to come around, and even offered to officiate. So the wedding was officially back on and everyone was in auto-pilot, following my father's schedule as closely as possible.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, and at the dress that was hanging on the door. I listened to the light conversations of my parents and Mark, who were laughing. I thought about Callie busily getting ready with Sofia gurgling away happily by her side. I thought of walking down the aisle in just over two hours to marry the woman who I loved more than anything in this entire world (except Sofia) and I smiled to myself. My life was perfect; all of my dreams were coming true.

But there was one person missing. My best friend, my protector, and the person I always went to with everything. Timothy was missing and the gap he left in my life hurt me every day. I didn't even have time to miss him, because my dad was so focused on _not_ having time to miss him that we didn't even have a candle to light for him.

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment as I remember the night that I came out to him.

" _You okay, Zona?" Tim asked as he peeked his head into my bedroom where I was sitting on my bed, crying. I'd kissed Joanne Moore today at school and she had completely run off, and now rumours were spreading._

 _I smiled weakly. He was the only one allowed to call me that. I looked up at him. "I'm good."_

" _Cut the crap, Zona, you're a bad actress."_

" _Well there goes my dream of seeing my name in lights." I replied sarcastically, wiping my eyes. He sighed and sat down on the bed beside me, wrapping a comforting arm around my shoulders._

" _Just tell me."_

" _I can't."_

" _Why not?"_

" _Cause you'll hate me."_

" _I could never hate you, Zona. You know that."_

 _I looked up at him, contemplating his words for a second. "I kissed a girl." I finally admitted and his remained neutral._

" _And?"_

 _I looked at him in bewilderment. How could he just act like this was no big deal? "I kissed A GIRL." I repeated, thinking maybe he didn't hear me right._

"I _I heard you the first time. Was she hot?"_

" _Timothy! You do realise that makes me gay?"_

 _He nodded casually. "Sure I do. So does that mean you're gonna marry a chick?"_

" _I guess so."_

 _He then got this big smiled and hugged me tighter. "I'm gonna dance so hard at your wedding!"_

By the time I finished the flashback I had tears rolling down my face, and I was aware that I was ruining my makeup. I was probably going to be late too, but I just needed to miss my brother for a second. I let myself cry as I remembered all of the moments we'd shared, the times we'd sit in dad's garage, just hiding away from the world. The time he punched the girl who was a bitch to me in the face and very nearly got excluded from school.

I just missed him so much. These days I don't even think I realised how much, but it would just hit me at random times. It dawned on me that there was someone calling my name and I recognised Mark's voice.

"Robbins? Babysitter's here. Sofia's asleep. I look great, by the way. Let's go!" He called and I smiled slightly at his comment. I took a deep breath and collected myself before opening the door and stepping out. "Robbins, you okay?" He asked in concern when he saw my tearstained face. I nodded my head no.

"When I came out to my brother, he asked me if that meant I was going to marry a chick. And when I said yes he had this big, big smile and said 'I'm gonna dance so hard at your wedding!'" I told him, my voice shaking and cracking the whole time. "All my dreams are coming true, dreams I didn't even know I had, but my brother's not here. He's missing it."

"And I know that I'm late, I know, I know…" I trailed off, at least acknowledging the fact that I was gonna be late to my own wedding. "But why do you think that my dad schedules every minute of every day? Every minute is accounted for and there's no time to slow down, and I just… I need a minute to miss my brother." I cried, letting the tears fall freely. Mark slowly walked over and carefully wrapped his arms around me. Although we had issues, we had overcome them and now I happily embraced him and let myself cry into his chest. I cried for Timothy because the hole in my heart was burning.

Five minutes later I'd managed to calm myself down enough to start getting ready. I slipped into my dress, a simple white sleeveless one with some ruffles on the skirt. I dried my hair in record time and let it curl naturally. I applied full coverage foundation to cover the redness on my face. I jammed my shoes onto my feet and before I knew it, I was ready to go.

"You ready?" Mark asked me as I walked out to find my mom crying and my dad looking extremely proud.

"My daughter looks beautiful." He commented, joining my mother in a massive hug for me.

"My baby's getting married!" She cried, embracing me in a bone crushing hug while Mark watched the situation in amusement. I knew my dad had some reservations about him in the beginning but he was definitely coming around, and my mom was also a bit dubious but she ended up loving Mark. I was so happy that they loved Sofia the way they did.

"I'm going to Callie; I'm walking her down the aisle." He revealed, bidding us all goodbye and leaving. I turned to my parents.

"I guess this is it! Let's go!" I exclaimed in a mixture of excitement and nervousness . I leaned down to kiss Sofia who was gurgling away in her rocker. I thanked the babysitter, Sarah, again before we left.

When we reached the venue all I could see were people. I took my mom's hand in mine as we sneakily entered through the back entrance, where we were met by Bailey.

"Took your time." She said sternly, yet jokingly. "Torres was starting to freak out. Let's do this, shall we?" She said, not waiting for my reply before starting to walk towards the altar. My mom gave me a kiss on the cheek before going to her seat in the front row. My dad turned to me just as we were about to walk down the aisle.

"I just want to tell you how proud of you I am, Arizona. I don't think I ever tell you enough. Seeing you grow up and live the life you do, I have never once doubted my decision to name you Arizona. Because you are a good man in a storm, and I am honoured to call you my daughter."

I stood there in shock. My father, who could be known to be so… profound was now telling me this as I was about to get married.

"I love you, dad."

It was safe to say I had tears in my eyes and a smile so big that it hurt my face as I walked down that aisle. I flashed my dimples and gripped my dad's arm as we made our way to the top. I vaguely rmember seeing the happy faces of all my friends as I waited anxiously at the altar for Calliope. I smiled at my dad as he kissed me on the check and let me go.

I waited for Calliope to round the corner with Mark, and when she did, all traces of anxiety left my head, because her beauty just made my mind go fuzzy. She was absolutely glowing as she made her way towards me, and all I could think of was how much I loved this woman. We smiled widely at each other as we took our places and turned to Bailey.

"Okay! Who gives this bride to this bride?" Bailey asked and Mark stepped forward.

"That would be me." He said with a smile.

"Okay, we're gathered here today to celebrate love, and happiness, and loyalty, and well, in my opinion, a little bit of magic." Bailey began perfectly and I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"To bring together these exceptional and beautiful human being, who have chosen to profess their love in front of the people they love…"

Bailey's words were touching and just the right length. Before we knew it Mark was handing the rings forward. It was my turn first. I took the golden band gently in my hand and spoke gently and confidently, although my eyes were welling up.

"I take you, Calliope Torres, to be my wife." I said clearly, the words that I had been waiting to say since the day I kissed her in that dingy bar bathroom.

"I chose you to be the one with whom I spend my life." She replied.

"I love you." I said as I slipped the band onto her ring finger, looking her staright in the eye and communicating my love through a single look

"I love you." She smiled back, placing the band onto my finger where it fitted perfectly and felt natural being there.

"Then I hereby pronounce you wife and wife!" Bailey exclaimed happily with a big smile, and I gently placed my palm on her hand. We both let out a giggle of excitement and happiness as we leaned in to kiss each other. Through the kiss I tried to put as much emotion through as possible, all of my love and admiration and excitement for this woman- all while keeping it PG.

"I love you." I whispered again as we drew back, taking her hand gladly in mine for the first time as her wife and turning to face the crowd. There was a loud round of applause and I smiled brightly at all of them. My mother's arms were the first to be wrapped around me as we were attacked by hugs on the way back down the aisle.

"You're my wife now! You're stuck with me!" I gloated to Callie once we escaped the crowd. She pulled me in for another kiss, this time much more passionate as no one was watching. We remained like this until we needed air.

"And you're my wife." She said proudly, before taking my hand, ready to celebrate the rest of the day as a married couple.

 **A/N:**

 **So I loved writing this chapter! It was nice to back to happy Calzona times. I'm sorry it's a bit late- but 18 pages of a biology assignment later and they should come more regularly.**

 **Thank you so much for continuing to read, and please review!**

 **Happy Existing!**


	26. Chapter 26

Being Arizona chapter twenty five

 **A/N: Hi guys! So we're currently approaching the final rundown to exams over here, so I'm sorry if updates are less frequent (and I know I say this a lot but I am sorry)**

"Mamamama…"

It was a few months after our wedding, and everything was great. Both Mine and Callie's careers were going great, and Sofia was absolutely thriving. Every single small development she made, even the small ones like eating tiny bits of our food we gave her, made me so proud. It made me smile so much to know that there appeared to be nothing holding our baby girl back, despite her premature birth.

I did a double take, immediately setting down the spoon I was using to feed Sofia. Callie, Mark and I were gathered around the table and, as always, Sofia had taken the stage with her adorable babbling and dimpled smile. Just seconds before Callie had passed the spoon to me so that I could feed Sof, and she had turned to me impatiently, holding out her arms and mumbling 'mamama'.

She called me mama. And I knew that is was mindless baby babbling that could be mistaken for everything, but she definitely said 'mama'. And she said it to me. I turned round to Callie and Mark, a look of disbelief on my face.

"Did she just…" Callie trailed off as Mark nodded his head surely.

"Mamamama…" Sofia interjected, clearly getting impatient; I turned to her with a bright smile.

"Chill, Sofia, Mama's got it!" I exclaimed proudly, proceeding to feed her the last of what was in the jar, some weird smelling stuff made of pumpkin. The whole entire time Callie kept shooting me bright smiles and I couldn't keep the grin off of my face. She called me Mama!

The night passed quickly as Mark came and went, and before we knew it, it was Sofia's bed time. We went through the formed routine of a bath, pj's and a bedtime song. Unlike normal babies who would fall asleep for nursery rhymes, Sofia was an avid fan of Queen, so normally I would watch in amazement as Callie sang her to sleep with a different song every night. Then, we would give her multiple kisses goodnight, and so would Mark, if he was there.

"Calliope!" I exclaimed in excitement as I closed the nursery door with a gentle _snap._ I practically jumped into her arms and hugged her tightly. "She called me Mama!"

"I know! You are her mama, after all."

For the rest of the week, every time I heard Sofia say 'mama' my heart swelled with pride. Because I was her mother. I'd hear rumours and gossip and hate around the hospital when she was born- people didn't think I could love her as my own. People didn't think that I wanted her just because Mark was her father. People even went as low as to say that I didn't love her at all, and it was all just an act to make me look like a better person.

But not a single word of that was true. I loved that little girl with every ounce of my being. Losing Sofia would affect me more than if I lost my own life. I would make the world turn all directions, bend and break myself before she would ever be hurt. She was my daughter. Ad for Mark, I had accepted that he was the father and I'd forgiven him. We even got along well, because to go against all prior comments, he was actually a great guy and he was an amazing father to Sofia.

So yeah, over the past few months my life had been great.

There was only one speck of sadness over the past few months- Meredith and Derek had Zola taken away from them. It was going to be a smooth adoption- two happily married surgeons with pretty great wages and a stable home- what wasn't there to love? But them Meredith had tampered with Derek's Alzheimer's trial and the whole thing started spiralling. The trial was shut down and now their marriage was in danger, along with the adoption.

I could totally understand why Meredith did it though. She only swapped the drugs so that there would be a better chance for someone she loved. I would do the same thing.

Teddy and Hendry, after months of obvious flirting and a near move to Germany, had finally admitted their love for each other. When Teddy had told me I literally jumped up and down with happiness. They were great together- I completely shipped it.

"Hello, Miss Sofiaritta!" I cooed as I picked her up from the floor of the day care centre one night as I was leaving work. Callie had a long surgery and my day had been pretty calm. 'Sofiaritta' had been a name quickly adopted for Sofia by just about everybody. "Mi dulce princesa."

Since Callie was Latina and fluent in Spanish, we'd all made the mutual decision that we'd raise Sofia to be bilingual. Neither Mark nor I actually spoke Spanish, but little words and phrases were easy to catch on to. It was easy for now, as Sofia couldn't understand it or speak it too well, but I knew that when she grew up and could speak it fluently, that she and Callie would probably gang up against me many times. Not that I minded, but I was making it my goal to learn more, and I even had an app that let me learn, like, fifteen new rods every day if I wanted.

"Dr Robbins! It's good to see you." The day care supervisor for today, Ashley, greeted me as she walked over with the forms necessary to sign Sofia out. There had been a slight issue in the beginning when it hadn't crossed our minds to put me on the list of people who could pick her up. Callie and Mark were automatically put on, since they were her biological parents, and we'd filed an immediate complaint about this issue. It was easy to fix, but that didn't mean it wasn't upsetting. It was at that moment that I realised that no matter how much I loved Sofia, things like this may always be an issue in the future.

"I'm just here to pick up this lovebug." I smiled, bouncing Sofia in my arms as she giggled adorably. I quickly signed the forms and was just about to exit through the main exit when Teddy confronted me. She held out her arms and I gladly handed Sofia over to her, giving a puzzled look.

"I just needed some cute baby dimple time. Henry and I had an argument." She said simply, and I nodded my head in understanding. It was rue what they said- babies, particularly Sofia, wre the perfect cure for the blues.

"Oooh what about?" I asked, walking over to the waiting area chairs and sitting down. I had been on my feet all day and I could sense that Teddy needed a serious talk through.

"He wants to back to school. Medical school. And I mean, I get it. He's finally in a place where he feels like his illness isn't taking over his life, but it's just a long process. I mean, four years of medical school, plus the year to take MCAT's, then if you even get in which is extremely hard, that's another seven years of residency before you're a fully qualified doctor. I mean, that's like twelve years."

"Yeah, I can totally see where you're coming from. It's quite daunting." I agreed. I had went straight to university after I graduated high school at the age of 18, and at the age of 30 I became a qualified doctor, and now at 33 I was one of the best surgeons in the country (not to brag or anything).

"So please tell me I'm not a horrible person for being kind of against it because I don't want to married to a student for the next twelve years." She said, bouncing Sofia on her knee.

"No, you're not. I mean, he's not being completely ridiculous either, I think it's doable. But he can't expect you not to freak out or have reservations about it." I told her.

"Okay. Phew. I was scared that I was suddenly some inconsiderate bitch." She said, covering Sofia's ears.

"Don't worry, you're anything but. And take it from a famous inconsiderate bitch, it's easy to ignore." I said. Teddy and I took liberty in laughing about all of the nasty rumours that were spread about me, and it made it easier. Now it was easy to laugh when I heard what people were calling me, because I realised that they knew nothing. Only a few people in the hospital knew the exact details of the airport incident and they didn't know my thoughts. Callie had forgiven me and so had the people closest to me, and that's all that mattered, even if I hadn't forgiven myself yet.

"Okay. Well Okay." She kept repeating. "I'm going to talk to him. You can have your kid back now." She laughed, handing me a half-sleeping Sofia back. I waved her off as she exited the hospital.

Sofia barely stirred as I swiped my ID card to check out, and she didn't squirm once as I settled her into the car. On the drive back home I watched her intently through the windshield mirror, and all I could think was how beautiful she was, how glad I was that I was her mother, and how grateful I was that she was my daughter.

 **A/N: Hey guys so I know this is a bit of a filler chapter, but I promise the next few chapters will be late season eight and we'll have the finale soon. For now, I hope you enjoyed the fluff!**

 **Happy Existing!**


	27. Chapter 27

Being Arizona chapter twenty six

"Mama! Paassa!" Sofia exclaimed excitedly, waving her chubby fist full of pasta in the air, obviously very proud of herself and the mess she'd made around her. Her once clean t-shirt was now completely covered in red sauce, and Callie and I glanced at each other with a look as if to say 'never again'.

There were many things you learned when raising a baby. First, sleep when you can and where you can. Second, leave nothing until later. Third, routine was an essential. And perhaps the most important lesson we'd learned just tonight, tomato pasta was a no-no when they were just starting to learn to feed themselves.

"Hm, you like that, huh?" I laughed, my gaze falling to the pile of pasta lying under her high chair, and I doubted if any of it actually went in her mouth. "Would you also like a tubbie?"

"Tubbie! Tubbie!" She repeated excitedly. Ever since she started to talk, her words were mostly just repeats of whatever we said to her. 'Tubbie', the bathtub, was one of her favourite words to say and be.

Just then, my phone started to ring and I turned to Callie. "Can you get her into the tub? I need to take this." I asked her and she nodded, lifting Sofia carefully from the chair and carrying her to the bathroom, Sofia waving over her shoulder the whole time. Sometimes it astonished me at how hyper and happy she was. Sure, like every other kid she cried and refused to eat broccoli, but whenever she wasn't like that she was always smiling at something. Callie told me she got it from me.

"Hello?" I said, picking up the phone before I had the chance to check the caller ID.

"Phoenix!"

"Nick!"

It was Nick, my best friend in this whole world. He was Tim's best friend first, but he soon became mine. He, Tim and I had been like three peas in a pod all throughout childhood. We were like a tag team of trouble makers. We even had a 'wedding' at age ten where our vows had been him promising to stop pulling the streamers off of my bright pink bicycle. We went to kindergarten together, middle school, and we were best friends all through high school. When Tim died he was my rock, he was the only one I felt that understood me because I knew the loss was just as great for him. We only ever lost touch when I moved across here and he to Tibet, and before I knew it, it had been over a year since we'd talked.

"How's life in rainy Seattle? I heard you have a kid now? Don't tell me you forgot about me over there."

I smiled as I heard Sofia's adorable giggle coming from the bathroom as Callie splashed her with water. "I definitely didn't forget you. Having a kid takes up a lot of time. How are you, Nick?"

"You know me, just lying low. Kicking ass in the teaching field. What about you, still saving sick babies?"

"You bet I am. But seriously, how are you? I've not talked to you in nearly a year."

There was a moment of silence before he sighed exasperatedly. "Well, that's what I kinda called about." He said seriously, his voice lowering. I recognised the sadness in his tone and it made my heart sink.

"What's wrong, Nick?" I asked slowly.

"Well, about six months ago I started getting this pain in my hip. I thought it would go away, but it didn't, so I went to see a doctor. They ran some scans and-"

"No." I breathed out, knowing where this was going. I felt the tears begin to collect in my eyes.

"It's cancer, bone cancer. They told me they could help me but I knew you married a bone surgeon, ortho-something, right?

"Orthopaedic, right." I sighed. "I just can't believe this." I let a few tears fall.

"Listen, you can't cry. Because if you cry then I cry and I can't ruin my manly reputation." He said in a stupid voice, making me laugh. Apart from Tim, he was the only one who could ever get me to laugh when I was as upset as this.

"Callie's a rock star with a scalpel. She'll kick the cancer's butt and you won't ever have to worry about it again once she's done." I reassured him. We spent the next ten or so minutes talking about lighter subjects and making plans for when he came here. For a while it just felt like how it was before, us just as best friends. But then I had to go.

"Look, Nick, I have to go. I promised Callie I'd help with Sof's bath time." I told him.

"Yeah, I better go too. You make sure you give that girl a kiss for me. And say hi to Sofia too."

"Hey!" I scolded friskily while laughing.

"You know I'm joking. I'll see you soon, Phoenix."

"See ya, Nick."

I hung up the phone and sat down on one of the stools at the island in the kitchen. I put my head in my hands and let a few silent tears fall from my eyes. The doctor side of me knew that the type of cancer he had was slow growing and he only found out six months ago, meaning he would probably be fine. But the human side of me, the side of me that had already lost a brother and couldn't take anymore loss was breaking.

 _Pull it together,_ I told myself. _He'll be fine._

"You okay?" Callie asked me as I walked into the nursery where she was putting Sof in her pyjamas. Looks like I'd missed out on bath time. She could probably tell I'd been crying from the redness around my eyes.

"Yeah. That was Nick. I'll explain later." I told her, turning and cooing at Sofia who was gurgling away happily.

It was here. Today was the day that I'd finally see my best friend for the first time in two years. I was so excited to see him. Although I loved my life in Seattle and I wouldn't change it for a thing, there were aspects of my life back in Baltimore that I missed a lot, and Nick was a prime example. My parents also. Although I'd been in contact with them a lot more since the wedding, times that were convenient for all of us were hard to come by, and I found myself missing them greatly.

The morning was relatively quiet. Mark had Sofia for a few days this week, and now wherever there wasn't a baby seemed quiet. Callie and I got ready and headed into work routinely, agreeing to meet back up in a few hours to get Nick. I felt horrible about not being able to collect him from the airport, that I was making my sick best friend get a cab, but the tiny humans needed me and there was nothing I could do about that.

"I'll see you later?" Callie asked as we walked into the peds ward. She knew how hard this was on me and she'd been brilliant, whatever mood I was in.

"Yeah. I love you." I told her, giving her a peck on the lips goodbye. I then proceeded to dump my bag in the attending' lounge and quickly change into my scrubs. _Keep your shit together,_ I told myself.

"Jamie?" I asked, approaching the woman who was hovering by the nurse's station gazing at the preemie graduate board. I felt my heart go out to her as her daughter, Molly, was currently lying in the NICU having been born at 26 weeks.

She smiled weakly. "Dr Robbins, hey." She sighed, indicating to the board. "I was just looking. Gives me some hope, ya know?" She asked and I nodded. I remembered when Sofia was in the NICU, just thinking about all of the successful cases against the odds helped. I leaned against the nurse's station beside her and let my eyes skim over the pictures, stopping at the one of Mark, Callie and I with Sofia on the day she was discharged.

"You're on here." She said softly, pointing to the photo that my eyes were trained on. I smiled and nodded. Normally sharing personal details was discouraged in a hospital, but sometimes it was necessary because it helped the parents.

"Yeah, with my daughter, Sofia. She was born at twenty three weeks. She's nearly seven months now." I told her and her eyes went wide.

"Wow."

I nodded. "Yeah. She was one pound, one ounce at birth. We were all surgeons, so we knew the chances. But she fought, and valiantly, too." I stated proudly. Just thinking about my daughter made my heart swell.

"I think Molly will be okay. And I know that's just a thing that all mothers say, and I'm probably too emotional, but I just know. Just little signs, like when I feel hopeless she gains an extra ounce or two, or when I get overly tired she waves her little hand." She said, turning towards me.

"You know what they say; a mother's intuition is the strongest." I replied, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder before walking away quietly.

The hours passed, and with them I felt my anxiety slowly heighten. I was more than excited to see Nick again, but as for the medical side of things, I had no idea how this whole ordeal was going to go. Cancer was unpredictable and merciless- we had no idea what to expect until Nick was open in Callie's OR. The unknown was something you experienced often as a surgeon, but now as it was staring me in the face it terrified me.

I paced back and forth beside the elevator Callie had agreed to meet me at, giving her a look of anticipation as she approached. She took my hand as we rode down three floors, while rambled on the whole time.

"I should've picked him up myself. I mean, what's wrong with me?!" I sighed as the elevator opened with a ding and we walked out.

"Okay, I thought he was your brother's best friend, not yours." Callie said unsurely and I sighed. I'd already explained this to her.

"We were all super close, and he was my rock when Tim died. Oh my God, I let my rock take a cab!" I exclaimed, my guilt growing at the thought.

"So you let him take a cab!" Callie exclaimed as if it was no big deal. She didn't get it. Nick was my best friend in this whole world, my best friend in this whole world who had cancer, and I let him take a cab. I didn't even pick him up after he flew all the way from Tibet.

"And he just flew in from Tibet, and he has _cancer_ , the least I could do was pick him up at the baggage claim-" I ranted and Callie grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me to face her.

"Hey, hey, hey." She said reassuringly. "Look, I know you're worried, but as far as cancers go, his is very slow growing. He told you he found out like, what, six months ago? He'll be fine." She said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. I took a deep breath, put my rational head back on, and nodded.

"Yeah. With you in the OR, I'm not worried. You're gonna love him." I said excitedly. "And he's gonna love you."

"Well, I'm taking his tumour out, it's the least he can do." She joked, making me laugh. Just then I turned my gaze to the sea of people in the waiting room and my eyes immediately fell on the familiar face of my best friend. I took in his appearance carefully- he looked tired, a little ill, but okay otherwise, However, what really concerned me was the walking stick that was standing next to him, but I decided not to comment on it at least until I had greeted him.

"Phoenix!" He greeted, making my smile wider. Ever since we were kids he'd always found it amusing that I had the name of a state so he refused to call me anything other than cities from Arizona.

"Nick!" I exclaimed happily, running forward to embrace him in a tight hug. He hugged me back just as tightly before pulling away while laughing.

"It's so good to see you!" He said as he pulled back and I glanced down at the cane, frowning.

"Wait, what's with the cane?" I asked more seriously, and I also noticed that he refused to make eye contact when I said that.

"Tumour, man, hurts to walk." He said casually, making me stop dead. His cancer was only six months progressed and there was no way it was supposed to be hurting him to walk. I mean, I knew it hurt, but it shouldn't hurt this much already.

"Already? But you were only diagnosed six months ago." I said in confusion.

"Did I say months? I meant years." He said indifferently, and I stopped in my tracks, everything else going blurry. _Six years._ Why the Hell had he waited so long to get help? Would we still be able to help him? I had no doubt in Callie's abilities, but I knew this would be thought. I felt the tears building in my eyes yet again as I struggled to keep it together. I was so _angry_. How could he wait this long when he knew I was married to an orthopaedic surgeon, and was a surgeon myself none the less? I was also heartbroken. Now, I realised, there was a greater chance that I could lose one more person.

I turned to look at Callie as she introduced herself to Nick, and she gave me a small apologetic look. I knew that one of us at least had to remain optimistic, and that certainly wasn't going to be me.

 **A/N: Hey guys, sorry this one is late! I had planned on putting the whole Nick thing in one chapter, but it was already so long. Plus, since there are some scenes from the episode in it, it would mean I'd have to watch the whole episode, which I couldn't really find time to do, as I just got back from New York, like, four hours ago and exams are in one month. I hope you guys understand.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this. If not, feel free to review and give some** _ **constructive**_ **criticism.**

 **Happy existing!**


	28. Chapter 28

**So, I have some explaining to do.**

 **I know I haven't updated in, like, forever, and I hate making you guys wait. I also hate putting pressure on myself to write new chapters. So, I'm going to discontinue this fic. I'm just really not enjoying writing it anymore, and with all of the big stuff coming up like the plane crash and the cheating, I'm just not sure I could do it justice.**

 **However I will keep posting one shots to What Happens, and I'm working one a multi chapter fic that I developed from one of those one-shots. Don't worry, I've starting writing and I'm addicted so there will be many fics to come but I'm just not happy with this one and I feel like I could put my time in to something a lot better. I hope you guys understand!**

 **Happy Existing!**


End file.
